5 Made Up Sex Moves I Really Want To Try

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

Researching sex in middle and early high school was some of the most fun times I’ve ever had. I realize how absurd that sounds but just stick with me for a second. Even though back then, you had either just been kissed or were still wondering what the fuss was all about, you knew ~something~ was happening to your body. Attractive people started making you feel different, sex scenes in the movies suddenly sparked your interest, and don’t even get me started on the allure of pool jets.

Sex was on our minds, whether we knew it or not. And as time went on, we’d spend more and more hours with our friends huddled over our computers and reading all about what happens when the birds fuck the bees. Since those days, most of us have managed to make a fantasy or two come to life. Still, while I’ve had my fair share of adventures (earmuffs, mom!), there are a few sex moves on my bucket list that I’d like to check off before the cobwebs start to form.

The Buffet

I’m not the biggest fan of incorporating food into lovemaking. Call me old-fashioned, but the idea of getting chocolate sauce all over my sheets, as well as the resulting stickiness, is enough to make my vagina close like a clamshell. Still, I can’t deny that the thought of getting off while shoving my face with my favorite foods sounds kind of ideal. Pizza, cookies, ice cream, buffalo wings — you name it, it’s at the sexual buffet. But, in addition to all of your favorite food being served, they also don’t mess up the bed/couch/wherever it is you’re getting off. Now, if the food just had zero calories and the orgasms came without any strings attached, we’d be in business.

The Frequent Foreplay

Remember how in your younger years, foreplay was e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g? You could literally make out for hours and the second a hand touched a boob, the whole turned scandalous? That shit was the best. I’m not sure what the situation would be where all of the parties would be cool with walking away without getting any, but honestly? It sounds like a pretty wild time. It was the build that made it so damn exhilarating. I don’t know how, exactly, this would work, but I’d love to bottle up that feeling we’d get when we were 16 and parked in the back of our neighborhoods, groping each other for every last second left before curfew, and douse myself in it every damn day.

The Fun House Mirror

You know those mirrors that distort your bodies? You’d walk into a “fun house” at the fair (which was never even really that fun. Like, you seriously wasted your tickets on that?), look at your reflection and like magic, the person looking back at you wasn’t exactly you. I mean it was. But he/she looked different. Shorter or taller, fatter or leaner. Your body was warped and modified and altered in a way that made you stare at your limbs like “what the actual fuck?” We take one of those, but instead of altering your height or weight, it just makes you hotter. Like, way, way hotter. And it makes the person you’re having sex with way hotter as well. It makes them so hot, in fact, that they actually look like your dream mate. Margot Robbie? Mila Kunis? Ryan Reynolds? Whoever it is, their reflection is now staring back at you in wonder.

The Celebrity Shot

You know that celebrity from the last move? Yeah, it’s about to get a whole lot better. Instead of just their reflection gazing back at you, now the rest of them is there as well. I’m not sure if you won a “have sex with your dream celebrity and your SO won’t even get pissed off at you” contest or what, but for some reason, that person you embarrassingly dream about when too many sex-less nights have gone by is there in the flesh. And better yet, they’re touching your flesh. Which doesn’t sound all that hot because I used the word “flesh,” but trust me, this shit is hot. Now, whether or not you end up together is up to you, but worse case, you have bragging rights for the rest of your life.

The Sexy Starfish

Picture a starfish. Got it? Okay, that’s the position we’re working with. Limbs are spread out and it just lays there, not moving while the motion of the ocean takes it. I’m not saying I want to lay in the bed like a sexy starfish as someone else does all of the work. Actually, wait. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. No, it’s not a new move, or made up, or something most of us don’t try to do when we’re hungover and just want to lay there and take it, but boy, it sure is the best..

12

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com

• @rachelvarina
• @rachelvarina