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As a hipster doofus who’s about to get married and lives in one of the most progressive (albeit obnoxious) cities in the United States, it’s safe to say that my daily routine now includes some deviations from what might be considered normal.
People have been asking me recently, “JR, what’s your secret? Lately your incredible hair has a little extra incredibility and you seem so well rested. Please tell me what it is you’re doing. I’m serious I could use the help, my wife is leaving me for an associate partner at her firm. For the love of God I need this. PLEASE JR!”
Hm, what’s my secret? Since you asked so nicely, Hypothetical Man Getting Cheated On, I’ll tell you.
Is it the fact that once a week I stand in a tank of nitrogen gas being blasted with temperatures around -200 degrees to help my muscles recover quicker and thus work out more frequently?
Maybe.
Or could it be that throughout my travels around the country, I make sure to always bring a portable humidifier with me so my skin doesn’t dry and my complexion maintains its boyish charisma?
What do you mean you don’t bring your own humidifier with you to Vegas?
Amateur pic.twitter.com/XmtbqloCUy
— JR Hickey (@JRwilldoit) March 20, 2018
That definitely couldn’t hurt.
But alas, it’s neither of these things that’s brought me to the near Zen-like level of tranquility and youthfulness that I currently experience. It’s a simple addition I’ve made to the most important part of life: sleep. I’m talking of course about the Internet’s best-kept secret, the weighted blanket.
Originally conceived for psychiatric care use, a weighed blanket for years was a powerful tool for helping calm people down who were on the verge of losing control. They employ a technique called deep pressure touch stimulation and are used in therapy sessions for kids with ADD/ADHD, Autism and Asperger’s. They are becoming much more popular as of late, and it’s easy to see why.
Some much more common symptoms they help treat are:
anxiety
insomnia
panic disorders
Restless Leg Syndrome
stress
aka the Sunday Scaries.
Using the same mechanics as swaddling a baby, the weight of the blanket is evenly distributed across your body and makes it feel like you’re sleeping in a giant hug. They come in various sizes – obviously the bigger you are the more weight you’ll need. Most websites say a good rule of thumb is to get a blanket that’s around 10% of your body weight. I use a 15 pound blanket on my half of the bed and it does the trick beautifully, but I happen to be built like Ghandi.
The biggest concern to me initially was temperature. I usually run hot but learned most quality weighted blankets are made of 100% breathable cotton. So even in the hotter months, I sleep with just a sheet and the blanket on top. I’m now sleeping longer, deeper and I no longer have to engage in a tug of war with the Capital F Fiancee for blanket coverage as it moves much less and keeps me in my place.
Don’t take it from me (see below) and give it a try yourself. A good weighted blanket runs about $100. Don’t skimp on what equates to a third of your life and spend the money.
Thus concludes the first iteration of The Finer Things in Life: Weighted Blankets Edition by JR Hickey. Let me know in the comments below if you’re interested in hearing about the other weird things I have up my sleeve..
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Bought one a couple months ago. They are a little pricey but ABSOLUTELY worth it. It feels like someone is constantly cuddling you. God I am so single.
Sup?
Thank you for your service, JR.
A very interesting take, I had no idea these blankets existed
You’re about to get married but y’all don’t have a headboard?
All headboards do is make noise when you’re bumping uglies. I could live without one honestly
Congrats on the sex
Weighted blankets give you the best naps of your life
Any suggestions on brand? I’ve seen a bunch of different sellers online.
Also, I can you think of a west coast city that isn’t “progressive (albeit obnoxious)”?
The “Left” Coast
Orange County tends to be pretty conservative.
San Diego
YnM brand on Amazon is what works for me, get one with the quilted pockets per the photo above
Any city in Oregon besides Portland.
Someone needs to combine the two best blankets, a heated blanket & a weighted blanket, to create the ultimate blanket for the perfect snooze.
That is my literal and figurative nightmare.
So you’re saying getting a weight blanket will make it feel like someone loves me. I think that’s what you’re saying… right
I used to work with kids with ASD, and we had weighted blankets at our clinic. worked wonders.
Got a legit duvet this past Christmas that is considerably heavier than the cheap ass comforter I had on there. The added weight has helped me sleep better and less tossing and turning. I didn’t know about weighted blankets before this though; gonna have to check them out.