Ranking the Best Fictional Sports Announcers

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

When baseball season started up last week, I felt compelled to get into the summer feeling by watching a few of my favorite baseball movies: The Sandlot, Major League, and Rookie of the Year. And, although the question of who is the best fictional baseball player has been debated to death (it’s Roy Hobbs from the Natural, by the way), I realized that the announcers in these movies rarely get their due credit. There are a lot of announcers that bring incredible flair and personality to these otherwise rote stories.

It’s not just movies either; TV and video games also often have announcers that elevate their craft far above (or below, depending on your point of view) the professionalism that would normally be expected from a nationally televised broadcast. And so, here are the top 10 fictional announcers across media. A few of these nominees will be actual announcers playing fictionalized versions of themselves, some will be ranked individually, and some will be considered a packaged duo. If you don’t like how I broke it down well, as the NFL Blitz announcer would say, “stop being such a pansy.”

Honorable Mentions: Lou Redwood (Semi-Pro), Jim Carr (Slapshot), Chuck Neidermann (Necessary Roughness), Dan Fouts/Brent Musburger (Waterboy), Pat Sumerall/John Madden (The Replacements), Kerri Hoskins (NBA Jam)

10. Ranch Wilder (Angels in the Outfield)

You know this man, he’s got a contract! He’s Ranch Wilder! The former major leaguer, responsible for ruining George Knox’s career with a viciously dirty slide into his knees, Ranch moved on to unsuccessfully manage the California Angels. Of course, he ran the team into the ground, making way for the hiring of his arch-rival, but for some reason, the team kept him around to bitterly scorn his former club on air. Having said all that, Ranch is a consummate professional (his co-hosts should know better than to leave him hanging on air!) and clearly has a good knowledge of the game. He’s got a few nice quips, but ultimately you’re left wondering why he stayed employed as long as he did.

9. Rod McCaudry (Goon)

McCaudry doesn’t steal the spotlight in Goon, my personal pick for the most underrated sports movie, but he is the perfect embodiment of a hockey radio announcer. He’s got that quick cadence that one needs to track the action in the fast-paced game of hockey, and the folksiness of a good ol’ Canadian boy that all our Canuck neighbors identify with. He has a few great lines, including one of my personal favorites after the only national anthem performance that could possibly rival Fergies.

8. Sunny Day (Backyard Sports Series)

Sunny Day, the only nine-year-old girl that can pull off a blazer without getting mocked endlessly for it. She is persistently playing the “straight woman” opposite her wackier color-men, but her play-by-play is clean as hell. Sunny is not afraid to mix it up and throw in a few jabs and jokes during her commentary, just like any seasoned pro. Her call outs for homers especially are classic. Just a sampling here:

That ball is outta here and there’s nothing left but a vapor trail!
Lick a stamp and slap it on that puppy ‘cause that ball is outta here!
Move over Sputnik, this puppy’s heading for orbit!

Seriously, the girl is a wordsmith only equaled by Yeezy himself. It’s probably all those fancy novels she’s been reading. I’m pretty sure she reads at an eighth-grade level.

7. Cotton McKnight (Dodgeball)

Cotton is the face of the greatest TV network that still doesn’t exist for some reason: ESPN8. Not only does he have an extensive historical knowledge on this sport of kings (of course he doesn’t need to remind us about the Helsinki episode of 1919), but he too can paint beautiful word pictures. Whether it’s paying homage to one of the most famous sports calls of all time with “Down goes Goodman! Down goes Goodman!,” informing us of the origins of S&M gear (first made popular by the lyric poet Sappho from the island of Lesbos), or building hype for the greatest final match of any sport ever: “Average Joe’s gymnasium hopes to drive their vorpal blade snicker-snack deep into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwockythat is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras.” Cotton is that perfect blend of professionalism, knowledge, and tight humor.

6. Tim Kitzrow (NFL Blitz/NBA Jam/NHL Hitz)

Kitzrow was making this list purely off his commentary chops that he showcased in the original NBA Jam. I mean, come on, this is the man who coined “boom-shacka-lacka.” But imagine my surprise when I discovered that he was also the voice of my two favorite ultraviolent sports games growing up: NFL Blitz and NHL Hitz. He has far too many incredible lines to list, beyond what’s featured in the video below, and if you didn’t play these incredible games he was featured on, I truly feel for you. When the retooled XFL is launched, I think the people running it are absolute morons if they don’t hire Kitzrow to be the full-time colorman.

5. Don Taylor/Jim Hughson (NHL 2002/2003)

This might be a little of my own personal bias leaking here, but for my money, these two were the greatest broadcasting duo of all time. I spent hours playing the NHL series in my formidable years, laughing with glee as I lined up bone-crushing hits on Jagr and Lemieux with my boy Scott Stevens. Although NHL Hitz is my all-time favorite sports game (largely due to the greatest intro video set to my all-time favorite guilty pleasure song: Limp Bizkit’s Rollin’), I stuck with the NHL series for this broadcast duo. Although I could only find a sampling of their all-time great quotes, two have always stuck with me that didn’t make an appearance: “that was a ripper that’d make Jack proud,” and “there’s a signpost up ahead, next stop: the highlight zone.”

I think I speak for all hockey fans when I say: please replace Doc and Eddie with these two. Or really just anyone. Just please get Mike Milbury and Pierre off my goddamn screen for the playoffs.

4. Vinnie the Gooch (Backyard Baseball)

Is it weird that I consider this nine-year-old (likely) child of beatniks to be my idol? I mean, Vinnie the Gooch is cooler than cool. He’s the guy who told Andre 3000 that he was ice cold. And while simpletons like his broadcast partner Sunny might greet the “viewers” (were there actually people watching kids play baseball in an alley?) with a hearty “hi-ho,” the Gooch makes it clear that he wouldn’t stoop to that level. He just says “yo.” Some other amazing VtG quotes:

“Sweet as candy I tell ya! I love candy! Everybody loves candy! That’s why Halloween is such a popular holiday!”
“I wouldn’t want to meet this kid in a dark alley. I wouldn’t want to meet ‘em in a light alley neither. Alleys are scary!”
“This kid has stolen so many bases, he makes Al Capone look like an angel!”

Don’t be fooled by his suave personality, though. Vinnie had an impeccable knowledge of the sport of baseball. Hell, I largely credit him with starting the sabermetric movement with his sage advice “can’t win a game if you don’t get on base.” Plus, his nickname is “the Gooch” and I feel like no one in his life ever made fun of him for it. As damn well they shouldn’t.

3. Cliff Murdoch (Rookie of the Year)

God, RIP John Candy. There are so many actors that I perpetually mourn having not gotten to see more of, and Mr. Candy is one of them. While Murdoch didn’t steal the show in the way some of these other, lower-ranked characters did, this was one of the great performances of over-the-top wackiness in broadcasting that still had a hint of believability. I mean, his opening day broadcast perfectly encapsulates this character “Opening Day at Wrigley, and oh what a sight! The diamond, the decorations, and the dread of yet another losing season.” I guess that was funnier in the days when the Cubs were the league’s perpetual sad-sack. But regardless, Cliff Murdoch was fantastic in this movie and left us with one of my favorite expressions of all time: “Sweet meat pies! Rowengartner’s going to bat!”

2. Pepper Brooks (Dodgeball)

In terms of realism and game knowledge, Pepper is clearly not on the same level as the others on this list. Hell, I’m not sure if this man ever did a broadcast without the influence of some flavor of narcotic. But you cannot deny that this character was comedy gold. I mean, his signature quote has become a meme that’s lasted the test of time. And that might not even be his funniest line of the movie.

I mean, there’s “I sure do love pumpkins, Cotton,” “Ouchtown, population you, bro!,” and “I feel like I’m watching a Cher video” after Average Joes comes out in S&M gear. But my all-time favorite exchange, and top 10 lines in comedy history after Peter LaFleur blindfolds himself: “yeah he will not be able to see very well Cotton.” It’s dumb and simple, but goddamn it if I don’t crack up every time.

1. Harry Doyle (Major League & Major League II)

You had to know it. There really is no other question on this one. Bob Uecker is the greatest fictional announcer of all time. Not only does he have some of the greatest one-liners of all-time (“So, Hiroshi “Kamikaze” Tanaka, recently of the Tokyo Giants, knocks himself cold for the second time this week. Maybe in Japan, that’s actually better than catching the ball. Personally, I think he’s just trying to get out of the lineup”), but he also exemplifies the great dichotomy of professionalism on air versus actual knowledge off air (“Well, you can close the book on Kellner. [covers microphone with hand and turns to Monty] Thank God!”). I mean, sure he’s a bit of a homer (“Ball four…ball eight…and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on 12 consecutive pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close??”), but it’s all forgiven. He makes the top spot for two reasons.

First, his ever famous cadence that has been often imitated but never replicated (“Juuuuuust a bit outside”). And second, his amazing descent into being a drunk degenerate on the air during Major League II. I mean, his commentary during the team’s bench-clearing brawl shows that he can be sharp as hell with any BAC level. So good news Cleveland fans, you may have inherited the Cubs’s status of league sad-sack, but you have the greatest announcer in movie history. .

33

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Josh T.

Don't call me a liar, but you don't have to call me a truther.

• @joshetyler
• @joshetyler