How To Ensure You’ll Get Laid This Weekend

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I don’t think I really need to preface this with much. As we’re winding down the workday (which is basically immediately after lunch on Friday), there’s one thing and one thing only on all of our disgusting minds: “What/who am I going to get into this weekend?” It doesn’t matter if you’re newly single, hopelessly alone, or have already done the waltz down the aisle. Getting laid, no matter your situation, isn’t always the easiest. Still, with two glorious days ahead of us filled with few responsibilities and lots of mind-altering substances, I have a feeling we can make magic happen.

And so, I give you, my horny friends, this handy guide to potentially getting more than a handy this weekend. Because even if you’re in a relationship, we can still use all the help we can get.

Lay The Foundation

If you haven’t already laid down the foundation, you’re way behind. A text on Thursday setting up something for the weekend is ideal, but it’s not too late. I mean, it is. But I’m here to help. First, you need to have someone in mind. If not, you’re SOL. Sorry. Get back to swiping. If you do, however, have someone in your life with whom you can practice babymaking with, you need to get things moving. Text him/her before the end of the workday with something along the lines of “I realize it’s last minute, I realize you’re popular and cool and probably have plans, but if you’re free or feel like canceling on those other jabronis, let’s do something fucking wild. My treat. You in?”

Invite Along The Flirty Friend

If you don’t have someone you’re currently hooking up with (sad!), but still want to make magic happen, you do have one other option. Well, one other legal option: the flirty friend. You know, the person with whom you have unspoken sexual chemistry with? Maybe you’ve had a drunken DFMO or just relentlessly play cat and mouse whenever you’re in the same vicinity. Whatever the sitch, if you’re lucky you have one of these special people in your life. And if you haven’t matched with anyone promising recently, it doesn’t hurt to call in this trusty companion.

Pick A Trendy Yet Non-Threatening Locale

After he/or she agrees to hang out (hopefully), you need to actually pick something fun to do. Sure, it’s easy to hit up the same bar area you always go to, but that doesn’t guarantee getting laid. That guarantees a drunken makeout and passing out after buying her Taco Bell. You’re better than that. If you’re too much of a little bitch to pick something actually cool (like an escape room, laser tag, or anything involving puppies), it’s fine to settle for something that’s just slightly off of the beaten path. Hit up a game bar, go to a little hole in the wall, or just go someplace with good lighting and ‘gram-worthy drinks (*cough* pussy *cough*). As long as it’s different than the usual, they’ll understand that this isn’t just a normal night.

Grab The Perfect Group

If you’re planning on making this a group outing (thus making it a little less formal), be sure to collect the right people. Invite those friends who are easy to get along with, in relationships, and/or respect that you’ve laid claim to this human and are overall slightly less attractive than you (unless they’re so absurdly attractive to the point that no one can get with them). You need a loveable loser, a fun couple, and either a funny guy or party person, and that’s it. No more than 6 people total is the secret to a solid time. Sure, it’s disappointing not being able to invite all of your asshole friends who steal everyone else’s dates, but so is going home alone.

Give Off Effortless Peacock Vibes

When it comes to dressing for the big event, you need to try but not too hard. You need to look good but not too good. Fuckable but not too unapproachable. I’m a sucker for well-fitted jeans and a blazer. It’s hot, it’s trendy, and it’s just put together enough that you know what you’re doing, but you’re not too into yourself. Plus, as soon as you see the object of your carnal desires and utter a simple “wow, you look fantastic,” it will go a hell of a lot further if you’re wearing something decent than if you looked like a POS.

Get Your Shit In Order

First and foremost, you need to get yourself in order. Shit, shower, shave. Get things nice and trim. Hell, put an air freshener down there. Whatever it takes to look and smell your best. After all of your parts are in working order, get your place looking decent. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but clean and comfortable is the vibe. Take out the trash, wipe down the counters, and make sure there aren’t any weird smells coming from under the bed. After that’s all checked off, finish with a few clean and cozy touches like making the bed, filling up the Brita, and wiping up your pubes out of the sink. It truly is the little things that impress us the most.

Stock Up On Essentials

Mid-shelf wine (and some bottles of bottom-shelf for when you’re both too drunk to care), hummus, condoms, candles, and weed if you’re into that sort of thing. Make sure you have passwords to every streaming service and some fresh towels in the bathroom and you should be set. That’s honestly all you need for a solid evening. Have a pizza place on speed dial (is that still a thing people say? Speed dial?) for when she inevitably wants some carbs and you’ll be in the clear.

Stop Once You Get Funny-Drunk

The goal here isn’t to blackout. The goal here isn’t even to brown out. The goal here is to have enough drinks to where your crippling social anxiety and awkwardness are stifled by the lovely influence of alcohol. You need to stop before your words start slurring, your dick stops responding, and your lunch starts coming up. Keep it under 5 drinks if possible but know that 7 is the absolute tops depending on your tolerance. Sure, it’s lame. But not as lame as waking up alone the next morning covered in vomit, shame, and the realization that you’ll most likely die alone.

Pull Out All Of Your Best Moves

You open doors. You pay for drinks. You offer to buy the table mozzarella sticks and then do it anyway once everyone insists that they don’t need them. You do all of the dorky dance moves. You do one shot to show you’re here to party, but stop before you get sloppy. YOU ARE THE FUCKING LIZARD KING, AND YOU MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS IT.

Make Sure You’re Not Out Of Lotion

Now, this seems like a foolproof plan, doesn’t it? I mean, how hard will it be to get home after work, clean your place up, get presentable, find a fun place to go, manage to purchase rounds for everyone despite your ever-growing credit card debt, be charming, stop before you get too drunk, bring your date back home, and manage to not vomit in the Uber on the way home before sealing the deal?

Yeah. Odds are, after this week from hell, that shit’s not gonna fly. My real advice? Make sure you’re stocked up on lotion, get blackout, and chalk it up to a night of self-love, if you know what I mean.* It might not be ideal, but it’s a hell of a lot less effort and emotional cleanup than getting romantically involved with someone. Besides, there’s always next weekend..

*Masturbation. I mean masturbation.

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Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com

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