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Every few months I get an email about someone’s birthday party, a big tailgate or some sort of “just because I felt like it” invite to make an appearance on a party bus. $75 later, I’m finding myself stuck on a refurbished school bus with strobe lights and crusty leather seats that’s gonna haul me and my friends’ happy asses all over town while we descend into an absolutely chaotic afternoon/evening that inevitably will end in me questioning if my feet are resting in old beer or human urine.
No matter the occasion, the roster of a party bus is almost always the same. The same lineup of characters that get cast in this gong show, time after time.
The DJ
The straw that stirs the drink. Get them on the aux cord, make a few requests and let the good times roll. A cascading spectrum of hits, starting off with “Return of the Mack” mixed in with a little Seger, Billy Ocean and rounding it out with Spice Girls. Your life’s soundtrack is in their hands. Just don’t play any Ed Sheeran.
The Asshole With the Enormous Bottle of Fireball
Absolute wild man and degenerate. Their goal is total chaos. Also, they are a borderline alcoholic and want to drag everyone down into the mud with them. Please get this bottle out of my face. It’s not even 2 o’clock yet. They won’t stop until someone forcibly grabs the comically large handle of Fireball from their hand and properly stows it in the cooler. Believe it or not, everyone on this bus isn’t an alcoholic and does not want to join you while you puke in a Costco parking lot before 6 p.m.
The Couple That Doesn’t Really Know Anybody
What a mystery these two are. They probably work with someone or just moved to town, because you’ve never met them before. They’re just there. They’re impossible to start a conversation with. Any question will be met with a polite smile and vague, short, generic answer. Are they feds? Debt collectors? Why are they even here? They’ll probably get off the bus after a couple hours and go back home. Maybe they’re not big drinkers, or they just straight up hate you and your friends. Their loss.
The Navigator
This dude is a total control freak. He’s got Waze pulled up on his phone and ready to assist the driver should he need it, as if the driver does not already know exactly where he’s going. “Yeah you’re gonna wanna hang right here up on Market St., then bang a Louie once you get to this next intersection. Yeah, right here right here right here right here.” This guy can’t drink too much, no sir. Gotta make sure the party bus driver can get us safely and effectively to the next bar stop.
The Pisser
Everyone on the bus is in the groove, crushing beers, passing the bottle, making the driver laugh (absolute key in a party bus. Poor bastard), all the sudden someone squeals out “Can we stop at QuikTrip? I have to pee SOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!” The party comes to a screeching halt just an hour in because the pisser has a tiny bladder unfit for a situation as this. However, this presents an opportunity for the group to load up on some taquitos, Pirate’s Booty and their tobacco of choice. Win-win, maybe?
Someone’s Mom
How she got on the bus, I have zero idea. Common phrases include “Oh, let me get a picture!” and “Are you dating anybody?” Sippin’ on white wine in a Tervis Tumbler, classy as a handjob on prom night. She’s prim and proper but you can tell she used to was down for the get down, pre-kids. She’ll reluctantly take some pulls from the bottle and peace out right as the shit crescendo rises and all the shit birds on the bus kick it into shit show mode.
The Emerging Couple
Oh, what a story this will be during the rehearsal dinner. The sexual tension between these two has reached a boiling point and who knew that a romantic carriage ride in a Ford F-550 would be the spark that lit the powder keg. She told him to “come sit over here” and next thing you know, they’re making out in the back of the bus and you’re buying them bath towels from Crate & Barrel 18 months later. I’ve seen it a thousand times.
The Person Who Refuses to Sit Down
Please, please sit down. I’m begging you. No, I don’t want to go to the casino. Nobody wants to go to the casino. It’s fucking three in the afternoon. We are a hard right turn away from you crashing into the other side of the bus, spilling an entire 80 percent vodka-20 percent tonic on the left side of the bus. What you’re doing doesn’t even look like fun. What are you trying to accomplish? Can someone rein them in? Sit down. You’re making us all nervous. Just sit down until we get to the next bar. Cut ‘em off. Jesus. .
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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My friend did a party bus (that he and his wife paid for) for his birthday. Best part? His wife made pretzel necklaces. Strings with all type of pretzels you could wear and eat all night. Sounds weird, was amazing.
Na, sounds amazing.
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We do this for every beer festival we go to. It’s fantastic.
This is common attire at Beer and Cheese festivals in Wisconsin
I am 100% refuse to sit down. The pole in the back of the bus isnt there for decoration.
Cautious sup while hoping you aren’t a dude?
See, I was going to go the opposite there..
Every friend group would greatly benefit if they could get rid of the fireball guy (or gal). That’s a trash drink for trash people
Quick PGP poll: Which is better to torture people with, fireball shots or icing someone?
If you wanna make them miserable, fireball. If you just wanna joke around and have friends that don’t hate you, ice em
Correct ^
Total wine sells a generic version of fireball called “catch fire” because FINALLY there’s a worse version of fireball!!
There’s this stronger version of Fireball out there called Cinerator. It sends you into a blackout quicker than Fireball ever could. My friend was a real asshole with it and is no longer my friend.
My stomach cringed at the thought of a worse version of fireball.
I dunno, I find it hard to stay friends with someone who seems trapped in a lame “game” from 2010. The fireball is quick and less likely to give me a sugar-induced hangover the next day compared to Smirnoff Ice.
Tag urself I’m the pisser
Same. Was on a party bus a few years ago and not everyone knew the next stop was 45 min away – the panic on the faces of the Pissers can not be unseen.
this isn’t just restricted to the party bus scenario, is it
“Classy as a handjob on prom night” is going into my vocabulary
Every few months?! Who are your friends? We do this less than once a year.
Fireball has made far too many appearances in my post grad life and its all due to a single friend who fits the description of Mr. Asshole to a T
I always tend to fall into a subset of The Emerging Couple that fizzles out after two months. Real life just can’t live up to the romance of a party bus.
Closet stripper. You forgot about the person that suddenly starts dancing on that pole like they’re having Benjamins thrown at them.
Just came here to say that QuikTrip is, hands down, the best gas station around
You’ve obviously never seen a Sheetz or WaWa, have you?
I moved to the South, the gas station game is piss poor. Sheetz, Wawa, GetGo would wipe the floor of anything down here.
*Extremely Texan voice* I guess you’ve never been to a Buc-ee’s then
I am from and live in SC but the Buc-ees outside of Dallas off of I-20 is the most incredible thing I have seen in my life.