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When I’m hungover, I don’t crave any food. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It’s not in my DNA to roll out of bed and crave a juicy cheeseburger in an effort to undo every torturous thing I did to my body all weekend. The grease, the calories, the price — all of it just sounds out of the question when I’m already on the brink of death.
If I absolutely have to, though, I’ll *accept* a bagel with cream cheese on it. Nothing special. Maybe I’ll go with an Everything Bagel with regular cream cheese, or maybe Postmate a Sea Salt Bagel with chive cream cheese. I don’t really discriminate as long as that layer of cream cheese is damn near as close in thiccness as the bagel itself. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request.
It wasn’t until I moved to Texas that I would begin getting killed for this. Shouts from the cheap seats about how bagels are an inferior breakfast food rained down on me. “Breakfast tacos are soooooo much better, y’all,” they’d say with their drawn-out, Coach-Taylor-y accents.
Truthfully, I didn’t even know breakfast tacos were a thing until I moved to Austin. Breakfast burritos? Sure, I knew they existed but they were never anything I’d order unless it was completely necessary. Like, dying-of-starvation necessary. While ordering a breakfast burrito, you might as well make a reservation for the bathroom ten minutes following the consumption. The only thing they’re good for is clearing the system. Breakfast tacos, though? Not even on my radar.
But if there’s one thing about Texans, it’s that they’re fucking relentless. I mean, I’m pretty sure Texans legitimately don’t believe other states are real states. They just sit in the middle of their giant-ass state and talk about how tight cowboy boots and football are. It takes about 10+ hours to drive from Beaumont, Texas to Amarillo, Texas, and a real Texan could talk to you the entire ride about how superior Tex-Mex is compared to any other food ever created without you ever opening your mouth to get a word. It’s really something and I actually respect the pride they have for their state.
With all that being said, the second I said that I preferred a bagel over breakfast tacos, I was hated by Austinites almost as much as Nick Saban was when he chose Alabama over The University of Texas. “It’s just bread,” they said. “Breakfast tacos are so much better that you can’t even compare the two.”
False, false, and more false — allow me to explain the pros and cons of both, and we’ll settle this in the comment section.
Please Note: Even if the comment section comes back in favor of breakfast tacos, I will not relent. I, for one, know that a vast majority of our readers are Texans which means there will be a vocal majority.
Bagels
Pros: Cream cheese is dope. They’re easy to eat on-the-go. They’re dirt cheap. They serve as a vehicle for both BEC (bacon, egg, and cheese) and lox-style. They taste better than breakfast tacos.
Cons: I legitimately can’t think of one bad thing to say about bagels other than that they have a hole in them, which means I get to eat less bagel. Maybe one downside is that all the bagels in Texas suck? I honestly don’t even know because they’re all so obsessed with breakfast tacos.
Breakfast Tacos
Pros: They’re cheap, I guess. You can easily toss salsa on them (if you like salsa in the morning, psycho). You can easily make them from leftovers if eating the same meal twice in a row is your thing. They’re available in Texas.
Cons: The tortillas always break. The eggs are always dry. Everything falls out the back. They don’t taste as good as bagels.
See, I just can’t fathom an argument in favor of breakfast tacos which are clearly inferior to bagels. Sure, you can make the case that the two foods are so different that you can’t even compare them, but that’s not why we’re here. I want you to sound off and convince me that my entire bagel-filled life has been a lie.
And listen to Episode 163 of Touching Base on iTunes and SoundCloud while you’re at it. The part at 21:48 when we actually discuss this. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Can you not hold a breakfast taco in your dainty little hands, cuckboi?
This comment is not productive, Fake It Til You Make It. Not fair to bring my hands into this.
Broken tortillas? lmbo. When has this ever happened? We’ve eaten breakfast tacos together at least a dozen times.
I don’t keep a captain’s log for the breakfast tacos I eat.
If broken tortillas are a pain point, then I’m guessing you remember the instances where that’s happened. Just saying.
Normally I would side against Will because of his frail and pathetic voice, but I could not agree more with him here. Breakfast tacos are just eggs and bacon in a tortilla. Literally nothing special about them.
I don’t want your support.
The official ranking of voices on TB goes Micah, Will, Dave, Dillon.
Sort of a “The enemy (Will & his sad larynx) of my enemy (Bfast tacos) is my friend” situation if you will
#TeamBagels
Why choose when you can have both
Double fisting breakfast foods, I like your style
Sup
We’ve found the correct answer, lady’s and gentlemen.
Edit: Ladies* (because I can’t spell)
Oysters clams and cockles
On your bagel sea dweller?
Life uh, finds a way
Didn’t even finish reading. Bagels are bae-goals. Yep, terrible pun and all, they’re better.
beat me to it
Biscuits
…and chicken.
Bojangles
A bojangles country ham biscuit is what I need every day.
Go to hangover cure – Cajun Filet biscuit, add egg and cheese. It’s heaven
I’m sitting here trying to think of an insult and I can’t think of any because I’m sitting here salivating thinking of breakfast tacos
In NJ breakfast tacos are barely part of the lexicon. That said, bagels are clearly superior, especially if they are from a local NJ/NY spot. For a real thrill replace that bacon or sausage with some pork roll. You can thank me later.
People don’t know the magic that is pork roll unless they’ve been here or know someone from here that can send the Costco sized log of PR to them
Taylor Ham****
Taylor Ham is brand…. all Taylor Ham is pork roll but not all pork roll is Taylor Ham. Guessing CarolinaB is from North Jersey where they also call all tissues “Kleenex”
you don’t see anyone out here asking for “adhesive bandages” when they get a paper cut, just “Band-Aids” which is a brand also
But I do say tissue. My mom always shopped off brand for those♀️
I doubt either of you believe in central jersey so I’m gonna gracefully bow out here.
And there it is! no Taylor ham vs. pork roll argument has truly gone full circle until central jersey’s existence is debated (spoiler alert: it does)
If I’m going out brunch I’m heading straight to the lunch menu. I can toast a bagel and fill a tortilla with eggs, why would I drain 15 bucks (not including alcohol) for something I can make myself?
But bagels, because they hold their structure and don’t end up a soggy mess after 5 min