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When it comes to matters of sex, everyone has their own kinks, preferences, and turnons. Different strokes for different folks, you know? Still, there tends to be some universal loves and hates across the board that most people can agree with. Like, oral. Lots of people are fans of that activity. Or peeing on each other. I’d dare to say that quite a few people out there don’t enjoy partaking in that. See what I’m getting at?
So, it’s fairly easy to say that, for the most part, there are some universal preferences across the board. Obviously, there will be weirdo outliers, but we’re not talking about them. When it comes to the language of love, the language of ~sex,~ here are a few words that you should never utter under the covers in the presence of a lady. Or a woman who looks like a lady. You have been warned.
1. Titty
Let’s just start this off with a bang, shall we? “Titty,” or “tittius” as it’s known in Latin, is easily one of the most cringe-inducing words out there. “Show me yo titties” just sounds like something someone would shout at you when you’re trying to head into Walgreens for some eyelash glue and tampons. Anyone who says “titty” isn’t actually trying to see a titty. They’re just trying to sound dirty. And not in a hot-dirty way, either.
2. Breast
What next, Poindexter? You’re gonna ask if you can hold my hand? Let me copy your bio homework? Take out your retainer before you give me a dry, closed-mouth kiss?
3. Pussy
Now, I’m not going to be obtuse here — I know there are going to be some girls who comment like, “Omg what’s wrong with pussy? I loooooove that word! Lol!” And that’s fine. Those are the same girls who sit there and claim that they love receiving money shots as well. You know, liars. While I’m sure there are some people out there who get hot and bothered by the word, I have never met a female who actually *likes* it, especially not in bed. Tread lightly, my friends.
4. Puss
Nope. This is just a hard, firm, resolute fuuuuuck no.
5. Panties
Again, some girls are going to fight me on this one, but whatever. My list, my rules. Something about “panties” just makes me want to burn down Victoria’s Secret. I mean, sure. I get it. It’s fancier than “underwear,” but the whining, nasally sound of it is just too much for me, and plenty of other girls, to handle. Plus, it just seems like something a pedophile would say, doesn’t it?
6. Moist
Now, most girls (and some guys) will instantly freak out upon seeing this word. “I hate moist,” they’ll say, as they sip on their Starbs, scroll on their iPhones, and hashtags #takemeback on their lame ass pictures from Cancun. They’re unoriginal and unthought provoking in their hatred. The thing is, “moist” is a great word. There’s plenty of things we’d like to be moist. Cake, for instance. You can never turn down a nice, moist piece of cake. Or how about soil? I don’t know much about gardening because, obviously, but I can’t imagine that plants don’t need moist soil. But while cakes and dirt are fine, in bed? “Moist” should be avoided. I’m not a fan of “you’re so wet,” but it’s a hell of a lot better than, “your vagina is moist.” Ya feel?
7. Daddy
Any derivative of “who’s your daddy?” “call me daddy,” or “come to daddy,” is never okay. I mean, have you met this girl’s father? Do you really want to bring him in the picture, right now, at this moment? Sure, eventually she’ll get used to it, maybe, if she doesn’t dump your ass first. But the first time you ask her “who’s your daddy,” she’s immediately going to think of her semi-retired father, which is, truly, the absolute last thing she wants to think about as you’re about to go down on her.
8. Tight
No, I don’t mean in the sense of like, “That sex was tight,” or “It would be tight if we got pizza after this.” You know what I mean. Compliment our hair, not our haven’t-been-used-in-a-while vaginas, okay?
9. Beej
Blowjobs, just like other presents and/or chores, should never be asked about. Nothing makes someone want to buy you a birthday gift or take out the trash less than asking or telling them to. Sure, if you’re in a healthy, respectful relationship based on mutual love and respect then maybe you could kindly ask for some oral. But if you’re not (and honestly, how many of us *are*) asking for her to “suck your dick,” or any other why you decide to phrase it, is a surefire way to ensure that she will not, in fact, S your D.
10. “You like that?”
It doesn’t matter what you’re doing or whether or not the person in question actually did like that. What if she says “no?” What if she’s like, “Actually, I’m totally faking it. This half-hearted thrusting is really not getting the job done, and you should absolutely try something else like, I don’t know, a good 10 years ago?” If you don’t know if she likes it, you’re doing it wrong.
11. *Silence*
Because no matter how terrible the things guys say are, nothing is truly as deafening as being hyperaware of the cars honking outside, the squishing noises from down below, and the sound of the person whose last name you’re still figuring out how to pronounce being absolutely silent..
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
“Daddy’s gotta use the can, don’t have clothes on when I come back”
Sup?
*Scribbles quote on note pad for future use*
Sup
What if you put all these together? Like “You like that? Daddy’s going to get a beej and slay that moist, tight puss of yours. Now drop your panties and show daddy some titties.”
I just choked on my beverage from equal parts laughing and discomfort.
Meat wallet is still allowed? Good know know
*creates a million accounts to Nice Work this into oblivion*
Logged in just so I could “nice work” this
Clam Wallet is my fave
I usually see how many times I can say the pledge of allegiance (2 1/2 times is my record) before I finish and then follow that up with a polite “thank you”
Do you do this out loud or in your head?
Out loud, so she knows I’m focused and in the zone
I usually phonetically sing the guitar solo from free bird
A true national treasure
And that you love America,
Peggy Hill is one lucky lady.
“Did you know that there are multiple mysterious deaths tied to the Clintons”
Girls love it when you talk about the deep state while you’re inside them
“Mmmmm deeeeepstaaaate”
I laughed
Can confirm
did you know bees are dying at an alarming rate?
Him: “You like that?”
My new response: “No, honestly not at all. Can you hurry up and finish so you can leave and I can get myself off”
Look I was just trying to be nice, you didn’t have to be so cold.
Sup
Well then, what SHOULD we be saying in the bedroom? Asking for a friend.
“Sit on my face” usually works
Sup?
Not really words, but I’m all for moans from a guy. They’re such a big turn on to hear but guys seem to be so hesitant to let them out.
“You like that?” is that absolute wooooorst, it’s always said it a slightly skeazy way that instantly makes the girl not like that even if she was previously liking that
What about, “I love you”?
Asking for a friend.
Hey now if it’s good enough for Kirk Cousins it’s good enough for me alright
It’s super hot if she says this though…which just leads to an instant orgasm and her finishing herself off.
“Do you like when daddy makes that pussy moist?”
I just threw up in my mouth a little
“Sup?”
“Am I hurting you?”