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Alright folks. We’re down to our final four – and this is the week where Arie meets each of their fathers, shakes their hand, and assures them if they make it through this week, he will indeed be making sweet, sweet love to their daughter during their conjugal visit Fantasy Suite Date the following week. It’s a special moment that I cherish each season. Let’s break it down:
Hometown Date with Kendall
This week’s first destination is Los Angeles, the home of Kendall, this season’s quirky (which, if you’re Arie, is pronounced “corky”) stuffed animal carcass enthusiast. Arie and Kendall reunite in a random park, where Kendall immediately runs up and mounts him like Seabiscuit. I’d like to take a moment to reflect on the fact that out of 29 women, the one who unabashedly declared her enthusiasm for stuffed dead animal carcasses is among the last four women standing. Kendall has been the dark horse of the season; it makes me wonder if she has a taxidermy dark horse in her collection of horrors. I have a feeling we will find out soon enough.
It turns out my intuition was correct, because without wasting a single moment Kendall takes Arie to a nondescript building, opens the door, in ushers him in. We are immediately accosted by a sight that will haunt my nightmares for weeks to come. Imagine an episode of Hoarders, except everything is dead animals. They’re on the floor. They’re on the walls. They’re on the shelves. They are everywhere. The death is everywhere.
Kendall delivers a moving speech about how she feels that taxidermy is a way to honor animals; however, I can’t look out from behind the pillow I’m covering my eyes with to see if Arie has started sprinting in the opposite direction yet, or if he’s paralyzed in sheer terror like I would be. When I finally peek out from my safe place, Arie is still standing there, although he has clearly urinated all over himself. You can’t blame him for that one. This entire date is proof that if you’re hot enough, you can do literally anything and people will be willing to fuck you.
Kendall pulls Arie into a deeper circle of hell as they walk through this godforsaken institution. She tells him that she has a fun date activity planned for them and not surprisingly, it turns out that Kendall’s idea of a fun date activity is making taxidermy rats. Jesus, take the wheel, and while you’re at it, drive us off a cliff or something.
Arie and I both choke down vomit as he and Kendall mount their dead rat skins on the Styrofoam molds. Kendall explains that her passion for taxidermy began when she was younger – she would go hiking and bring back “treasures” that she found. She said that when she discovered taxidermy, it was a way to keep those things forever, which means that those “treasures” were almost certainly dead animals. Can anyone confirm or deny that the viral video with the little girl who rubs a dead squirrel all over her face was Kendall?
As they finish up stuffing their rats, Arie asks her, “How do these hides end up being so soft?”
Without looking up from her creation, Kendall replies, “Easy! It puts the lotion on the skin.”
Arie is confused. “What if it doesn’t want the lotion.”
Kendall slams her rat down. “Then it gets the hose again!”
Once Arie and Kendall have both stuffed their rats they dress them in a tuxedo and a wedding gown and make the rat corpses kiss in front of a diorama of Paris. Congratulations ABC, my appetite is officially gone, along with my will to live. I’ve seen a lot of weird shit in my life and on this show, but this has got to be top five “WTF” moments here.
Eventually Kendall allows Arie to escape from her demon hellscape and they have drinks on a patio, like normal goddamn humans. She gives him a rundown of whom he will be meeting at her house later that evening, including her identical twin sister, Kylie. As she says this, America collectively braces itself, because we all know that somewhere out there, this just caused Kris Jenner to have a stroke. Kendall tells Arie that Kylie is a tough nut to crack, and she’ll be playing close attention to the energy that they share. Great, not only are there two of them, but it sounds like the other one is weird as well.
The episode cuts to Arie and Kendall walking into her parents’ house where she excitedly greats her family. Turns out even though they’re identical, Kendall is still the hotter twin. Good for you Kendall. Good for you, Arie.
Everyone sits down for dinner around Kendall’s family’s kitchen island, which is weird. They make small talk and from the daggers Kendall’s dad is staring across the room, he is not pleased. They ask about the development of Arie and Kendall’s relationship and they spend some time discussing their interactions on the season thus far.
“Kendall is… interesting.” Kendall’s own mother says. Nothing like having your own mom throw you under the bus on national television in front of the boyfriend you share with three other women. From there the family breaks off to have more private conversations.
After Kendall tells her mom that Arie said he was falling in love with her, and that she reciprocated those feelings, she offered some sage words of wisdom. “If you’re around someone and your heart opens up, that’s good. If you’re around someone and your heart closes, that’s bad.” Just for reference – if at any time your heart closes for business, that’s bad, not just in Bachelor world.
While that conversation is happening, Arie spends some time alone with Kylie. I’m honestly proud of Arie for using his four brain cells to be able to tell the difference between the two twins. Kylie immediately launches into an analysis of Arie’s energy, and I use that opportunity to refill my wine glass. I just can’t force myself to give a shit about this. Arie launches into some generic spiel about feeling connected to Kendall and being challenged by her and how she’s the most interesting woman he’s ever been with. Kylie isn’t buying it. She tells him that she doesn’t think Kendall is ready for an engagement or to settle down; Arie seems taken aback.
“How do you know that?” Arie asks.
“We share the same brain. Don’t you know how being a twin works?” Kylie replies.
Finally the time comes for Kendall and Kylie to talk. They sit down on Kendall’s bed, touch their foreheads together, and begin communicating telepathically. Fortunately for us, ABC sprung for subtitles. Kylie asks Kendall “What’s different about Arie compared to all the other guys you’ve dated?”
“There’s a lot of differences! For one, he’s old as shit. Also, he has a job. That’s definitely something different. Oh, and he doesn’t live with his parents; although, living in the retirement community that is Scottsdale may actually be worse…”
“I know you’re ready to find love but the vibe you’re giving off isn’t that impressive. I don’t think Ari is your lobster,” Kylie informs her. Kylie knows a lot about lobsters too. She once freed an entire tank of them from a grocery store before setting them free in a nearby pond to protest animal cruelty. Unfortunately for the lobsters, Kylie liberated them into a freshwater pond and they all died anyway.
“You’re totally right,” Kendall replies. “Am I ready to be engaged? No. Do I want to be engaged? No. If Arie proposes to me will I say yes? Definitely.”
Everything is stupid.
Eventually Kylie asks Kendall if she’s afraid to lose Arie. Kendall slowly nods her head.
“Then you need to tell him how you feel! If you’re afraid to lose him and you don’t open up then he’s going to slip from between your fingers. And if you’re about to fuck this up, I may just tie you up here and pull a Parent Trap and switch places with you and keep him for myself.”
Kendall rolls her eyes. “Don’t try that shit on me again.”
With the fear of her twin sister catfishing her man, Kendall speaks to Arie alone outside. She tells him that she’s falling in love with him and despite it being a scary feeling, she’s very excited about it. They make out for a little while, and as Kendall runs her fingers through Arie’s hair, he shudders, thinking about the dead rat skin that she’s rubbing all over his perfect gray locks.
Hometown Date with Tia
Once Tia realized she was getting a Hometown Date, she sat down with the producers to discuss the activities she had planned out for the day.
“Alright y’all,” she starts. “Here’s what I’m thinking. Arkansas has a bunch of really pretty outdoor areas – we could do something hiking or something like that in the morning. I’d love to take him to this cute little café I get lunch at almost every day when I’m working and maybe from there swing by the hospital where I work? Let’s finish things out at my family’s house. My mom makes a bitchin’ prime rib, so that’s what I asked her to make for dinner.”
The producers silently look at each other, their concern becoming rapidly apparent, before one finally pipes up.
“Listen Tia,” he says. “That sounds like an amazing date – thank you so much for putting in the time to come up with all of that! Tons of initiative; you’re a real straight shooter with middle management written all over you!”
“Thanks, I guess…” she replies, brushing her hair out of her face. “I mean I literally have nothing to do all day except fantasize about this date. And do my nails. I’ve got to have at least fifteen coats on these bitches right now. Also I have a doctorate level degree, so I think I’ve surpassed middle management too.”
“Great stuff!” he continues, clearly not hearing what Tia is saying. “Here’s the thing. You’re from Arkansas, and that Southern demographic is something we’re really trying to capture. Raven gave us a good start, but with you – we can really bring it home. So we’re going to have you guys do some redneck shit. Lots of hootin’ and hollerin’. Is that what you call it?”
“Not really,” Tia replies flatly.
“Just spitballing,” the producer continues. “How about this. Let’s do some dirt track racing and then have you drink beer while you sit in the back of a pickup truck.”
“I mean, I’d like to actually talk to Arie on this date, and if we’re spending all this time racing each other, how can we have any of the conversations we’re supposed to have? Also I’m gluten free, so like, I don’t drink beer.”
Without pausing for a breath, he replies, “Well we already got the product placement check for the beer, so tough titties. Also, call your mom and cancel that prime rib…actually on second thought if she wants to make it, that’s cool. But you’re from Weiner, so you’re going to eat wieners.”
“Excuse me?” Tia asks incredulously.
“Cocktail wieners! You’re going to eat cocktail wieners for dinner. Maybe some pigs in a blanket too. It’ll be funny. The audience will love it.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right now,” Tia seethes.
“Oh darling,” the producer smiles as he throws her a wink. “I assure you we are not.”
And that’s exactly how the date went down. Arie slung his ass around in a beat up car on a dirt track, while Tia took the inside lane and drove approximately 5 MPH because she obviously didn’t want to mess up her hair. They slugged some brews in a pickup truck before heading back to Queen Wiener’s palace where they did indeed enjoy some cocktail wieners. Her family even did a toast where they gently touched the tips of their wieners together. It was magical. Just kidding. It was fake as fuck.
As the evening progressed, Tia talked to her parents, telling them she professed her love to Arie on their first date. “But don’t worry,” she assured them. “I ain’t given him none of my cookies yet. Not till next week.” Her parents beam with pride that they’ve raised a good Christian girl who not only beat teen pregnancy, but also hasn’t fucked a near-stranger on a nationally televised reality show.
Meanwhile, Arie has an interesting conversation with Tia’s brother. Immediately before the segment, her brother approached one of the producers with a few questions.
“Hey man,” he starts. “Are we just supposed to have a normal conversation? Am I supposed to grill him? My sister seems really happy, and if she’s happy, this dude can’t be so bad.”
The producer was having none of this sappy bullshit. “Here,” he says. “Why don’t you shove this horseshoe of Copenhagen in immediately before you talk to Arie – but make sure it’s not super noticeable; this is a family show, after all. Can’t have school kids dipping. I know – throw it in your upper lip! No one will suspect a thing, except maybe that you don’t have any top teeth.”
Her brother goes along with the plan, immediately sitting down as the wave of nicotine, and the subsequent bubble guts, hits him full force. He pulls out a list of questions he had prepared for Arie and begins to ask them, contorting his face as he clenches his asshole shut.
“Srrrrrr wdddya thnkrrr maaaa ssszzztrrrrrrrr?” he manages to vocalize.
“I’m not exactly sure what you’re saying, but I think Tia is great!” Arie responds, slightly caught off guard.
“Wdddddabbtt ottdddrr grlllzzzz?” Brother Wiener groans.
“Sure, there are three other women left, but Tia is really special to me,” Arie replies, looking off camera at the producer who is rolling on the ground, cackling like a real asshole.
“Hrrrddddd yaaa fckkddddd bncha bttzzchzssss, ya know?”
“I don’t know. I literally have no idea what you’re saying.” Arie tells him.
As Tia’s brother excuses himself to simultaneously unpack his lip, vomit, and evacuate his bowels, Tia joins Arie on the front porch.
“I love you,” she tells him.
“I know,” he replies, before kissing her and getting the fuck out of Arkansas.
Hometown Date with Becca
If Tia’s date was a caricature of rural America, then Becca’s date was a testament to basic white girls everywhere. As they reunite in Becca’s hometown of Minneapolis, she greets Arie excitedly.
“Sorry it’s so cold!” she says, since that is the state greeting of Minnesota.
“It’s good to see you!” he says as they embrace. “I wish I could see my penis, though; apparently this wind chill has prompted him to climb completely inside my body. If this week were Fantasy Suites, you’d think I was a Ken doll.”
Becca nods, unsure of how to respond.
“Enough about my junk,” Arie says. “What are we doing today?”
“WE’RE DOING FALL SHIT!” Becca screeches, powered by legions of girls in their Han Solo boots and vest outfits.
“Great,” Arie replies. “Fall shit…”
Like every dude that has ever survived October in a relationship, Arie pretends to have fun apple picking and acting like he and Becca aren’t going to let the two bushels of apples they pick sit on their kitchen counters until they rot.
The fucked up thing about this date is that it’s totally normal – and because it’s totally normal, we hate to watch it. This is the kind of shit that real couples do for fun, or so people in relationships tell me. I watch The Bachelor, take naps, and get drunk, usually alone. We’re so used to tears, drama, and people making poor decision that will probably haunt them for the rest of their lives as GIFS that when we see these kind of experiences on the show, we’re bored out of our goddamn skulls. I don’t want to watch a happy couple enjoy an afternoon at an orchard; I want to be entertained!
That being said, being able to establish a sense of normalcy in an experience like this is probably an indicator that Becca and Arie would have a shot at staying together if he picks her. Let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be a great shot, but it’s a shot nonetheless. Shooters shoot.
When Arie meets Becca’s family it’s also pretty normal. They are the epitome of Midwestern, so everyone is incredibly polite, despite the fact Becca tells the camera that everyone thinks that she’s insane for going on The Bachelor in the first place. We’re reminded that her father passed away of brain cancer when she was 19, so her Uncle Gary has been a sort of father figure for her since then. He’s also a pastor, so he spends some time grilling Arie about religion and shit.
“Tell me about your relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,” Uncle Gary asks, brandishing his cane like a weapon.
Arie looks at the producer behind the camera and whispers, “You guys told me Chris Harrison was my Lord and Savior…”
The producer motions for him to make something up.
“Yeah like religion, uh church, God, not banging 22 year olds anymore, I’m cool with all that.”
Uncle Gary looks pensive for a moment, then smiles. “Well,” he says. “If us Evangelical folks can look past some of the shit Trump has done, I think we can get on board with you, son.”
Meanwhile, Becca spends some time talking to her mom.
“Well, are you ready to come back to Minnesnowta and forget this whole misadventure?” Mama K asks.
“Mom, we’ve been through this…” Becca starts, before being interrupted.
“I’m telling you, I think there are still a lot of avenues you didn’t explore on Christian Mingle and Farmer’s Only!” Mama K interjects.
“I love him!” Becca blurts out.
“Oh.” Mama K says. “Well if you love him then we totally support you.” You guys, it’s the same shit every season. Every damn season.
Becca and Arie talk about how perfect everything was as she walks him out to his Uber Black and they make out and I switch from wine to whiskey.
This week’s final date takes place in Lauren Boring’s hometown of Virginia Beach. I think you guys know that by this point, I just can’t get on the Lauren train. Everything she does irritates me, and the fact that Arie is clearly so fucking into her drives me batshit insane. She’s like a cat – she wants attention, but she wants it on her terms. You can’t get too close to her or she’ll claw your face off, but if you ignore her, she’ll shit in your shoes out of spite.
They begin their date by riding horses along the beach, because nothing says romance like riding horses on the Atlantic coast in November.
“Damn it,” Arie whispers as he mounts his steed. “My balls just dropped from Minnesota, and now this…”
After their horseback ride, they climb to the top of a lighthouse and then eat some crab legs. I don’t really see Lauren as a crab leg kinda gal, but here we are. Fortunately, we are quickly transported to Lauren’s parents’ house, where the majority of this segment is focused.
All of the teasers leading up to this make it seem like this date will be a total fiasco. For once, I think that the producers may not be trying to pull one over on us, because as Arie sits down with Lauren’s family, we learn they are about as verbose as her.
We are treated to seven minutes of total silence before Lauren’s dad asks to speak to Arie privately. Papa B told a camera earlier in the night that he wasn’t impressed by Arie and tried to big dick Arie a bit by asking if he knew anyone in the military, since apparently Papa B is a serviceman. Arie didn’t, probably because he’s from Holland.
Once Papa B has Arie alone, he starts to grill him. Arie casually mentions that when he was a race car driver, he spent some time overseas with the military on a USO tour, or something to that effect. This totally changes Papa B’s tune, and he nearly immediately offers his daughter and her dowry to Arie.
“We trust our baby,” Papa B says. “If she chooses you, we’ll be happy.” The jokes on Arie, Daddy knows his little girl is not that into this dipshit.
Meanwhile, Lauren talks to her mom. They look strikingly similar, except Mama B has a sad looking chin. Their conversation consists of them not speaking to one another, only making fleeting eye contact, until Lauren whispers “I love him and he loves me.” Her mother responds by gently patting the top of Lauren’s hand. It’s a tender moment. Just kidding. It’s stupid.
Arie, if you pick Lauren, have fun man. This family seems like a real party.
Rose Ceremony
In a real dick move, ABC makes all of the women fly back to LA to the Bachelor Mansion for this week’s Rose Ceremony. Becca, Tia, Kendall, and Lauren all file into the mansion, and Tia looks particularly banging in some white cutout number. As they nervously stare at the three remaining roses, Arie enters.
“This is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life,” he lies to them.
He picks up the first rose. Four sphincters tighten. Arie takes a deep breath, and opens his mouth, but pauses. Four sphincters close completely, possibly forever. Looking bewildered, Arie sets the rose back down.
“Kendall, can I speak with you for a minute?” he asks.
Kendall nods silently and they head to a bench outside.
“Quick question,” Arie begins.” So, like, how ready are you to get married?”
“I don’t want to lose you, Arie!” she tells him.
“But like, on a scale of a 0 being not that into me, like potentially kind where Lauren is at emotionally at this point, a 3 being down to blow me in the Fantasy Suite but then not put out, and 10 being totally ready to marry me now, where are those feelgoods ballparking tonight?”
“I don’t want to lose you, Arie!” she tells him, stuck on repeat, eyes wide open like a taxidermied deer in headlights.
He waits for an actual response.
“How about a 6?”
Arie ponders for a moment before extending his hand to Kendall and walking her back to the firing squad Rose Ceremony lineup. Again, he picks up a rose.
“Becca,” he says. “Will you accept this rose?” Spoiler alert: she does.
As Becca returns to the rest of the women, Arie picks up the next rose.
“Lauren, will you accept this rose?” he asks. Silently, she nods and takes the flower. Meanwhile, Becca is now so bored she falls asleep standing up.
Arie picks up the final rose. Tia casts a nervous glance to Kendall, who has already picked up her purse, knowing what is about to happen.
“Kendall,” Arie says. “Will you accept this rose?”
Time freezes. No one moves. No one breathes. After what seems like an eternity, or 15 seconds, Kendall steps forward, shaking slightly. She takes the rose and returns to the line.
“Sorry,” Tia responds, shaking her head. “I think I blacked out there for a second.”
“Tia,” Chris Harrison says, magically appearing in a puff of rose petals out of nowhere. “Take a moment and say your goodbyes.”
“Oh fuck,” she whispers to herself. “That shit wasn’t a dream.”
Once the reality of her elimination hit her, the waterworks start. I’m not gonna lie, it isn’t cute. Tia is not a cute crier. As Arie walks her out of the mansion, she asks the question everyone asks when they get dumped, seemingly out of the blue.
“What did I do wrong?” she stammers.
Arie pauses to think, the gears in his brain turning much, much slower than those in her car’s. While he ponders, Chris Harrison wrangles up a posse of unpaid interns to stand at the bottom of the driveway of the mansion, collecting Tia’s crocodile tears as they cascade down the pavement.
“Make sure you get them all,” he whispers. “We’ll use them to hose down the driveway on Night One next season when she’s the Bachelorette. It’ll remind her that even though she thinks she’s in charge, really she’s just wallowing in her own sadness. I’m actually in charge.”
Eventually Arie tells her that she didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that his type is young, emotionally unavailable blondes, and there wasn’t anything she could do to change that. He tells her how wonderful she is and how lucky thirty eligible men any man would be to be with her. Arie continues to shower her with compliments, which is cruel in this situation but will make for good sound bytes during the first thirty minutes of The Bachelorette premiere.
As she gets in the limo, she continues to sob as sad music plays in the background. We’ll see her again shortly, I’m sure. I just hope ABC pays to get that goddamn owl tattoo lasered off her arm first.
Well folks- we’ve got our final three concubines ladies. We’ve got two episodes next week – Women Tell All on Sunday followed by Fantasy Suite Dates on Monday night. Thanks for playing Hometown Bingo – keep your eyes peeled for Fantasy Suite Bingo too. See you then..
Respond
@CrickWatsonMD
The accuracy every week is uncanny. I laughed out loud several times reading this
The Tia/producer dialogue was excellent
ABC needs to get CMV to plan some of these dates
I didn’t realize it until last night but tia lowkey thicc
The lobster part was gold! Also, I think arie is scared of boobs… just saying
This is Bachelor adjacent:
Winter Games. I thought my hatred of Rachel had cooled…nope. Hot take, Rachel is worse than Krystal. I stand by that.
Potentially unpopular opinion: Tia sucks.
Seinne or anyone but Tia for Bachelorette
Love what you did with the defense in that undefeated season, coach, but this has to be the worst take since my “boneless wings or GTFO” take a few hours ago
I took a benched running back and made him an integral part of a shut down defense and you’re going to question my personnel decisions?
I agree, there’s something about Tia that bugs me.
Plus, she is more of a paradise contender than a bachlorette. Hopefully ABC sees the potential feuds between her and Krystal on a beach in Mexico. We need some drama after this snoozefest of a season.