======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Like any other red-blooded American girl (with a horrible taste in literature), I devoured Fifty Shades of Grey the moment each installment came out. Between the girl who has an orgasm as she’s losing her virginity, the hot AF rich guy, and the very twisted psychological problems, what wasn’t to love?
Still, back in the day, before having sex was NBD and birth control destroyed any and all semblance of a libido (God bless IUDs), having a quiet night in with your favorite chapters of the arousing cat and mouse dance of Christian and Ana, a bottle of $3 wine, and some fully charged AA batteries was the perfect solo date night.
I know, I know. The books are trash. They don’t accurately depict the BDSM community, they showcase a controlling, abusive relationship, and no average-looking girl is going to land the most sought-after billionaire in the world, especially if she isn’t into the same kinks as he is. That’s just how it goes. Still, even though the plot is 1,000% unrealistic and shoddily written, it didn’t change the fact that intelligent, college-educated women downed this shit like vodka crans before last call. Sure, for me, that was years ago. Back in the days when sleeping until noon and solo sex sessions before rolling into your 1:15 p.m. class with unwashed hands and a dopey look on your face was the norm. But just because I got older and I spent less time wondering if my own kinky rich guy would sweep me off my feet and more time figuring out how to do my taxes, it didn’t change the fact that I had a dirty, hidden love for the series.
Just like Twilight. Just like The Kardashians. It was total hot, embarrassing, shameful garbage that I was absolutely addicted to.
So, naturally, when one of the most hated renowned authors of our generation decided to cash in even more and rewrite the books from the guy’s perspective, I publicly trashed it while immediately adding it to my Prime cart.
And I have to be honest, this time around, Fifty Shades is a little bit different. Maybe it’s because I’m reading about a guy’s growing erection instead of a girl getting turned on. Maybe it’s because he has the emotional range of a teaspoon. Maybe it’s because the dialogue is just a horrendous and the plot doesn’t make sense. Or hell, maybe I’m just older, not as horny, and way less fun than I used to be.
Because the truth is, I’m not even reading it for the sex anymore.
How did I realize I had literally become desensitized to the world of crappy erotic fiction? Because instead of getting hot and bothered by the fact that she orgasms after he plays with her nips for like, two minutes (something that has literally never happened in the history of sex), I was skipping all of those parts to get to the more luxurious moments. Yeah, talking about being handcuffed to a bed and totally degraded seemed hot when I was 19. But now? The fact that Christian sells Ana’s old car for $24,000 AND buys her a new Mac and Audi gets me more turned-on than any of the shower scenes. Or how about the fact that he buys her company and she goes from assistant to Senior Fiction Editor in about a week? Talk about a wet dream come true.
It’s not the red room of pain, the bad boy with the inability to truly love, or the anal beads that get me going anymore. It’s the sheer fact that this girl who worked at a hardware store and graduated college without a job or a plan managed to get $24,000 dropped into her bank account and complains about it. That’s the life I want to live. You can keep your whips and chains, because it turns out the ability to take a lavish vacation, having a solid savings, and a good investment portfolio is what truly excites me.
Fuck, I’m old..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
“ability to take a lavish vacation” @ Will every other week
Don’t hate, Grandex must pay well or Will just really likes debt.
Fun fact: 50 Shades actually started as a Twilight fan fiction that was too racy for fan fic sites and it eventually got reworked into the three books.
Don’t ask me why I know that…
Love the Harry Potter reference thrown in, quality literature vs guilty pleasure trash. But, I too love guilty pleasure trash such as Fifty Shades, Twilight, and the Kardashians. Makes me feel a little better about myself.
You know, getting a sugar daddy is all the rage right now