My Harrowing Experience With Online Shoe Shopping And Why Armie Hammer Is To Blame

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

All I wanted was a pair of shoes similar to the joints worn by Armie Hammer in Call Me By Your Name. When I first saw the movie and laid my eyes upon the outfit Hammer’s character was wearing, I knew instantly that I was going to mimic his look as soon as the temperatures got up above 50 degrees. You see that outfit in the above photo? Each scene he’s in gets better and better style-wise.

The movie is a tour de force of 80s fashion, featuring Armie Hammer and Timothee Chalamet in effortlessly laid-back summer clothing from Lacoste, Polo, Levi’s, and Converse. But the shoes in question – the ones that really struck a chord with me were a pair of white leather high top Converse. He wears them with long white tube socks, oversized polos, and khakis and looks damn good doing it.

Here’s a screenshot of them from a scene where Armie is dancing with a woman at an outdoor bar in Northern Italy. It’s almost bringing me back to my vacation last summer, where, lest we forget, I spent two and half weeks up and down the coast sipping fine Italian wine and trying to figure out a way to stay there forever. But that is neither here nor there.

As soon as the movie ended I was on Nike’s website ordering a similar pair of shoes. Here they are for reference.

Pretty close, right? I was ecstatic. These shoes would bring my Call Me By Your Name aesthetic to life, and I was sure that in five to seven business days I would have my high top converse and I’d be ready for the spring. Boy was I wrong. Instead of the black and white pair like I had ordered, I was sent a red and white pair.

But at this point I wasn’t that angry. I understand that accidents happen and this was probably just a clumsy error. No big deal.

As I’m sure you’re all aware, no one in their right mind orders a red and white colorway of a sneaker. Just an abomination of a color scheme if there ever was one. So I sent them back, and Nike even DM’d me on Twitter to tell me that they’d give me a 20% off promo code on the next pair of shoes that I ordered.

Naturally, I went right back and ordered the same pair – in black and white again, thinking all the while that there was no way they could mess this order up twice. The 10.5 was sold out by this time, plus I don’t mind bumping up a half size in the shoe department, and then I waited. Soon I’d be the proud owner of a size 11, high top Converse shoe that would have me styling and profiling.

When the same exact red and white colorway showed up on my doorstep just one week after I had ordered the first pair, I wasn’t even mad anymore. They had sent me the wrong color shoe not once, but twice now, and in that moment all I could really do was laugh. Once again, I returned the shoes and started to look elsewhere for a similar pair to the ones that had been featured in the movie. After just ten minutes of looking on Amazon, I came across my dream shoe. Fifty dollars cheaper than the Converse I had originally ordered and from an Italian company this time in Diadora. Look at how fire these are.

I ordered a size 10.5 and I waited. One excruciating week later they showed up on my doorstep. I opened the box, and the first thing I noticed was that they were the correct color. However, instead of getting a size 10.5, I was sent a size 13. I laughed when I put the sneakers. I might have even done a mixture of crying and laughing when I looked at my feet in the mirror. These were not shoes, these were boats my friends, and I found myself at my wit’s end.

Amazon has sent me a 25 dollar discount code for my troubles, but I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It seems like my journey to get a pair of shoes similar to Armie’s started a century ago. All I wanted was a pair of old-school high top Converse. What has transpired in the past few weeks is nothing short of lunacy. Either one of you works for both Nike and Amazon and is trolling me to an extent that has never before been seen, or I am just the unluckiest sucker in the entire world.

I may never order a pair of shoes online again. This has been the most demoralizing shopping experience of my adult life, and I’m afraid I may switch entirely to in-person shopping because of it. Is Armie Hammer partially to blame for this? Absolutely. He absolutely crushed in that movie and now I have to emulate him at all costs. But let’s not forget about how awful Amazon and Nike have been during this whole ordeal. They’re on my shitlist for the foreseeable future or until one of them decides to take a flyer on me and pays me to rep their products.

None of this will stop me from completing my Armie Hammer cosplay this coming Spring and Summer. I am determined to dress exactly like him for the next few months, and if you get nothing else out of this blog, make sure that you go watch Call Me By Your Name. It’s an excellent movie with an excellent cast. Thanks for listening..

Image via Youtube

31

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Johnny D

fashion icon

• jduda@grandex.co