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Another week, another triple homicide elimination at the hands of Arie. Yes, we lost the single mom. Yes, we lost the girl that — six weeks into the season — I still get Snapchats from my gal pals asking “who’s this” every time she’s is shown on the screen. But, this week it’s all about Krystal.
Krystal wasn’t the villain we deserved but she was the villain we needed. We wanted her gone weeks ago, yet she was THE most entertaining part of the show, bar none. Watching the other girls openly mock her was gold Jerry gold. Watching her facial expressions was America’s new favorite past time. Listening to and mimicking that stupid stupid stupid voice was getting us through Trump’s presidency.
So, a toast to you, Kendall. See you around, boo.
This look belongs in the Smithsonian #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/5WukPDTZ2S
— Boston Max (@BostonMaxG) February 6, 2018
So, plug in some music. We’re going with “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” today in honor of Krystal. And, as always, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Except for Krystal. Smile because it’s over in her case.
Krystal, 29, super villain fitness coach from Missoula, Montana
The fact that we came together as a nation on Monday night and were unanimously rooting for a wackadoo taxidermy enthusiast to dethrone the super villain was like the whole planet rooting for the Eagles on Sunday night.
The whole world rooting for the taxidermist is like the whole world rooting for fucking Philadelphia last night #thebachelor #SuperBowlLII
— Boston Max (@BostonMaxG) February 6, 2018
But there we were, shouting from our couches as Kendall systematically tore Krystal apart limb from limb at some fancy-shmancy chateau in the French countryside. And how did we get there? Because Krystal might be the most unanimously hated person on this television show in a longggg time. Maybe ever. She embodied the evil empire. She was Steinbrenner. She was Belichick. She had no remorse for human life around her. We roared when Arie didn’t give her a rose. And yet, something tells me she’ll surely be missed because we need the drama. We need someone to hate. We need a foil. Now, collectively, the nation will become divided. The girls will focus their hate on Bekah M, arguing with their boyfriends who are adamantly on Team Bekah (maybe this is just the Bachelor bubble that I live in, but I thinkkkkk that’s the general consensus).
Anyway – Krystal, who Cricky affectionately has dubbed the AntiKryst – might be eight flews over the cuckoos nest, buttttt, she’s a smoke. That body was crafted in marble my MichaelfuckingAngelo. Need the fit tea that she’s guzzling.
Jenna, 28, social media manager from Upland, Indiana
I have nothing to say about Jenna other than “bravo.” Because she’s said like two things, maybe, all season, and she made it to the Top 10. Wow. All I can say is she must be a looker IRL because how she beat out the likes of Caroline, Marikh, Maquel, etc. is one of the great mysteries of 2018.
Chelsea, 29, real estate executive assistant from South Portland, Maine
First impression roses are a fickle beast. Olivia got one, then got marooned on an island Jack Sparrow style and she’s still there to this day. Rachel got Nick’s first impression rose and she went on to the final three and became the bachelorette. And now Chelsea, who came out of the gates wicked strong, everyone thought she might be this season’s villain, and then Krystal quickly took that crown. Chelsea did well, but Arie’s looking for more of a twenty-two-year-old spinster rather than the single mom pushing thirty. Dude’s got priorities. Don’t have to agree with it, but you have to respect it.
Let Chelsea’s Instagram be the proof you need that even though you’re a single mom, you can still get of fire ‘gram after fire ‘gram after fire ‘gram.
Also, let’s go Red Sox.
RIP. .
Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
When you say “Gal pals”, how many of them have you been on “dates” with in the last month?
That moment when the “social media manager” has waaaay less followers than the other two:
All you need to know about Jenna is that she’s always drunk and I can’t wait to see her on paradise.
Chelsea was that last one I thought KINDA made sense with him. Now for the girls’ sakes, I’m hoping he pulls a Brad Womack and doesn’t pick any of them.