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Today we’ve got a question that has plagued both men and women alike. Oftentimes after a breakup, there is a sense amongst at least one of the parties involved that they are owed something. Maybe its an explanation for why they were broken up with. Perhaps it’s an in-person meeting to see if they can salvage what once was.
This question that I’m about to present to you is an interesting one, and I think it elicits another question: does this girl owe her ex-boyfriend anything? The anonymous message is in quotes below. Let’s ride.
Another question from girl hoping to get a guy’s take… I broke up with someone a few months ago and it ended pretty amicably. I always had a huge crush on one of his friends, but we didn’t know each other super well. They weren’t best friends, but did hang out once every few months. Is he totally off limits? I don’t want him to think it’s just a fuck you to my ex, because I legit think we’d be good together. What’s the guy code here?
The thing I’d like to get out of the way right up front is that a breakup hardly ever ends amicably. There is always one person that doesn’t really want to start over again.
There is evidence of amicable breakups, but I just can’t really believe anyone that tells me that. When I moved to Texas, I had to part ways with a girl that I was pretty happy with. That was a breakup where both her and I understood that there really was no other alternative.
I can’t pretend to know what went down with your ex-boyfriend, but I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that there’s no way this was a mutually agreed upon breakup. Maybe the two of you were extremely mature and said, “You know what? I think this is best for both of us,” but I doubt it. You e-mailed me, after all.
What you’re proposing in this message you have sent me is going to start a bit of a shitstorm. I don’t know if you’re ex fucked you over or vice-versa, but just know that if you decide to go through with this, you’re probably going to catch some flak for it from your ex-beau.
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t do this. No one is off limits following a breakup and I’m of the belief that trying to forget about an ex requires having weird sex with strangers or people you’ve had your eye on.
I think if you were to go around and ask guys in public if they would have sex with one of their friend’s ex-girlfriends, they would definitively say no because that’s how they know they should be answering the question.
No one wants to be made out to look like a scumbag and no one wants to be portrayed as a bad friend. But behind closed doors, this theory that there is some worldwide “guy code” is complete and utter bullshit.
Few people will be willing to admit, if given an opportunity to do so and the other party was willing (of course), that they would hook up with a friend’s ex. But you and I both know this isn’t the case. I can sit here and pretend like I wouldn’t do this to an acquaintance but I honestly can’t say that definitively.
Sex is all-powerful, and turning it down is very, very difficult to do. If a girl shows interest in hooking up with a guy, that guy is more than likely going to seize that opportunity.
If you want to hook up with your ex-boyfriend’s friend, by all means, go for it. You don’t owe your ex-boyfriend anything anymore. If he finds out about it, he will more than likely hate your fucking guts (and his friend) for the rest of time. I doubt he’ll ever be able to reconcile with that and remain friends with the guy you hooked up with.
What I’m trying to tell you is that your ex’s friend will more than likely be down to hook up with you. And you can keep the fact that the two of you are hooking up a secret from your ex fairly easily. What will be impossible is keeping the fact that you’re dating this guy a secret from the ex-boyfriend.
Hook up with this guy. Hook up with as many guys as you want. You’re no longer shackled to the confines of a monogamous relationship. You’re not doing anything wrong by thinking that you’d be good with this guy. Just be prepared for some angry backlash should you actually end up dating your ex’s buddy. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
You’re free to do what you want, but other people are also free to hate you for it.
If this dude hooks up with this girl, the two guys just weren’t that good of friends to begin with.
I would say they were never really friends at all
There’s definitely a big difference between what a person has the freedom to do and what they ought to do. Idk if your advice to this girl necessarily falls into the latter part of that.
Shoot your shot, shooter. Its on the guy’s friend to not pursue if he feels it would be a bro code violation.
I dated my ex’s friend for three years and my ex (dated for a summer, I was crazy about him but he broke up with me to play the field) did not take it well, his ego suffered a lot. It kind of created a rift in their friend group that no one talked about but it was very clear that their friend group resented me and blamed me which only caused more tension. Another weird side effect is that when I did hang out w them and we were all drinking there were multiple occasions where one of them, despite making it clear that they did not like me, would be privately flirty or inappropriate as if they assumed I would just dick hop their friend group. It was all very weird and confusing and a constant pain point in an otherwise lovely relationship. Can’t say I fully understand the dynamics between male friends but I don’t think I’d encourage dating ex’s friends unless you’re willing to just never hang out with his friend group.
I remember a girl who did this to two of my friends while the one went away to study abroad. They had a huge falling out that theyre just now getting over. And this girl did dick hop within the friend group while with the second guy.
No one respects/respected her. Proceed with caution.
Being able to hang out with your SO’s friends is essential in a relationship, otherwise there always seems to be resentment when someone has to give up that (hugely important) part of their life
Also, I can’t say I’ve ever heard the phrase “dick hop” so that’s fun
Wait, you dated the ex for a SUMMER, HE broke up with YOU, you dated his friend for three YEARS and the ex is salty? Sounds like he’s a little bitch to me and you’re not in the wrong
Sounds like you weren’t digging your ex anyway if you are eye fucking his friends
Get in where you fit in
Take her inside and show her a REALLY big house
Definitely eventually married my ex’s friend after starting to date about 6 months post breakup.