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If you follow me on the Twitter machine, you know that your girl has been suffering with a whopper of a chest cold for the better part of a week. After feeling like a toddler has been standing on my lungs for about five days and facing a cross-country flight this weekend, I finally caved in and made a trip to urgent care. An hour and a chest X-ray later, I departed with a bottle of cough syrup with codeine.
Now, as I lie in my bed floating on a medicated cloud, I find myself thinking some interesting thoughts. Interesting enough that I decided to write them down (or dictate them into my iPhone, same thing) so I could share them with all of you…and also remember them tomorrow.
Thought 1: I’ve given a lot of thought as to who I would want to narrate my life. I’ve narrowed it down to James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s probably a story better told by Gilbert Godfried or Fran Drescher.
Thought 2: I’m 100% making everyone call me Doctor when I’m done with my Ph.D. I’ve fucking earned it. That includes you heathens. Even you, so called “real” doctor Crick Watson MD.
Thought 3: Why is the snooze button 9 minutes? Why isn’t it 10? Also, who had the power to make the 9 minute thing universal? If I had that power, I would have used it for something way cooler than that. Like making it illegal to crowd the gate at the airport.
Thought 4: If my favorite thing on Insta are puppy pictures, I should really delete everyone I follow and just follow dogs. Just cut out the shit and get right to it.
Thought 5: Whoever invited chicken Caesar wraps should be given some kind of award. Ditto the inventor of buffalo chicken. Unsung heroes, those guys.
Thought 6: Why don’t the Girl Scouts sell their cookies year round? Those little entrepreneurs would make bank. I’d probably gain that 90 pounds back but that’s cool if it’s for charity.
Thought 7: Speaking of…can someone explain to me why it’s so much easier to gain weight than lose it? It’s just unfair.
Thought 8: How amazing is it that cruise ships float? It’s a giant hotel with a bunch of restaurants, a casino and sometimes an ice skating rink, and it fucking floats? Also, how is it that we’ve figured out how to make that happen and yet Twitter still hasn’t figured out how to give us an edit button?
Thought 9: I bought peanut butter M&Ms when I picked up my prescription and left them downstairs. That’s a decision I’m regretting right now. Another thing we should have figured out by now? How to move things with our minds, because my legs are way too wobbly to attempt stairs right now.
Thought 10: I’m sure I have a tenth thought but I really can’t form it right now. And since I can’t feel my fingers, it’s probably time to call it a night. Love you, bah-bies..
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Double cup if you’re real.
shoutout to Corinne for completing that music video
If you didn’t go to med school, just settle for adding PhD to your name. If someone with say a PhD in philosophy (not applicable to you since that isn’t what you’re getting) thinks I’m calling them Doctor, they’re kidding themselves. Does that make me a douche? Maybe. But their douchier for wanting to be called doctor.
Gonna come out and agree with your take. Not ashamed
Are we still allowed to quote the Hangover with “paging Dr. Fa——-“ or are we banned from that cuz it’s 2018? I mean I still think it’s funny but I’m not trying to go all Trump either.
Dropping a hot Hangover quote is a great way to establish dominance.
Douchiest move is JDs who didn’t take/ didn’t pass the Bar (don’t get the ‘Esq.’ at the end if you don’t pass the Bar) wanting to be called ‘Doctor”.
Doctors won’t call you Doctor even if you have your doctorate. Source: experience.
I tend to agree with this
As a native Houstonian, I was exposed to “lean” early in high school….while I HIGHLY recommend everyone spend a night with a muddy cup at least once in their life…I also (more) HIGHLY recommend you use caution and don’t let yourself or friends get hooked on this stuff. It is truly so amazing it’s not surprising it can take hold of your life very fast. Remember…deal closers knows how to party but they also understand the dangers of substance abuse. Have a blessed day everyone
Im from Houston as well, can confirm being exposed to Lean in HS lol.
9 minute snooze is Apple reminding us that we’re slaves to their brand and they can do whatever they want. Time to hop on the Pixel train, green texts be damned.
9 minutes is from WAY before apple…way back before cell phones, my alarm clock’s snooze was 9 minutes.
God bless whoever created buffalo chicken
“Purple Stuff! Purrrr-pulll stuff. Purple stuff. Purple stuff”
The 9 minute snooze thing comes from the fact that for some reason clock makers in the 20th century couldn’t make a mechanical 10 minute snooze, so they had to chose a time just above/below. Apple just wanted to respect the status quo.
Physicians will definitely not call you doctor as a ‘fuck you’
ChOPpED aND scREwEd