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Sitting at the bar is what I do. It’s my thing. Whether it’s at a podunk bar called Whisky River or at a sit-down restaurant like Fridays, at the bar. Not just in the establishment. At the actual bar. It’s better service, better people watching, and everyone respects someone who can maintain good posture while sitting on a bar stool.
In sitting at the bar, there is a level of tact. If you have a bad waiter or waitress, you can talk shit about them after they walk away. It’s a different story when they’re always within an earshot. This means you’re going to have a relationship with your bartender. They might do some things that make you uneasy, unhappy, or straight up enraged, but you still have to keep your cool because you’re not a barbarian.
These are a few things that I look for to tell if I’m going to have a good relationship with my bartender.
Faux-Sympathy
I don’t want a bartender to actually be sympathetic, but I want them to give the illusion of sympathy. If they are actually sympathetic, then they’re sympathetic to everyone. The last thing I want someone to do is to show compassion to both me and the cracked out dude complaining about chemtrails, pizzagate, and the New World Order.
That’s because my problems are real and simple. Like that one time I got a bad haircut. That was shit and people needed to know.
Grit
Grit is greatly undervalued in our society. Being gritty means you’ve been through the shit. Life has cut you up, chewed you up, and spit you out. This bartending job is the only thing they can do to appease their demons. I love it.
I want to see that grit. If my bartender isn’t gritty I’m going to doubt their ability. Let’s say I just order a Bud on draft — if my bartender looks like an Abercrombie cologne model, I’ll complain about the head. Even if it’s perfect, I’ll think this little twerp is trying to skimp on me. Fuck you, Logan.
I need more grit in my life. I’ve been trying to be more gritty, but that’s hard to do when you don’t skip Katy Perry songs when they come up on Spotify. Goddamn, “Roar” gets me going.
Restraint
I’m not talking about when I should be cut off, I’m talking about not starting a conversation.
I had a dude ask me, “Do you shop online?”
Do I give off the vibe that I don’t?
Not only is that a bad bait question, but yeah, dude. It’s 2018. I’ve got Amazon in every single one of my app folders. It’s actually kind of a problem. Don’t bring it up.
Style
How my bartender dresses him or herself changes what I order and, furthermore, it changes my night.
If I’m looking at a dude who takes great pride in his mustache, I’m not going to order as much from him. My logic there is the same as giving money to homeless people on exit ramps. My hesitation with the homeless is that they spend the money on something that I don’t want them to spend their money on. My hesitation with mustache guy is that he’ll spend his money on mustache oil, some kind of small comb, or like, some weird wax.
Decency
Decency is a delicate one. I need my bartender to have a good understanding of social cues.
Excessive use of foul language is a big no-no in my book. I don’t need to know how your brother-in-law is using your sister as a beard, but if you do have to bring it up, phrase it the way I just did.
Good Taste In Food
A good taste in food is absolutely key.
Another reason I sit at the bar is that I’ve been burned too many times by too many shady waiters and waitresses. If I’m asking for your recommendation for a meal, don’t tell me a salad that you like, don’t tell me the most expensive thing on the menu, and certainly don’t tell me that you just started working there and that you, “Don’t really know the menu yet, but the table over there seemed to really like their fried green beans.” That’s a goddamn appetizer, you mud-brained idiot. I ought to slap your teeth out for assuming I was talking about apps.
That doesn’t happen at the bar. If your bartender is real, they’ll know the menu. If you ask for what they recommend, they’ll ask two or three questions and be able to pinpoint what will satiate your palate with surgical accuracy.
A bad bartender will suggest, “A lot of people have ordered wings tonight.” If I wanted wings, I’ll order wings. That’s an easy crave to identify. But if you do suggest the wings, you better say they will change my life, and they better change my life. Otherwise, I’m going to ask for something that’s difficult to make, like a Kentucky Mule or a Mojito. You don’t have the patience to make that, and quite frankly, I don’t even want it.
Don’t suggest that I order wings. .
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caughtmejerkin
I'm a Stand-Up Comic based out of St. Louis, and one time I was student of the week in middle school.
@ThatBaterGuy
@ThatBaterGuy
ThatBaterGuy
Just put alcohol in front of me and I’ll consider you a damn good bartender.
“Excessive use of foul language is a big no-no in my book”
Username – Caughtmejerkin
I’m a bartender at a brewery, and the only character traits I think make me better at it are: being a sociopath, and being intimately familiar with all the beer we have on tap. I’m a drunk asshole, sure, but I’m good at what I do.
Knowledgeable brewery bartenders are extremely important
Can I print this off and show it to my parents?
Consider it my official letter or rec.
Guy who’s asks if you shop online sounds like he wants some book recommendations for that new e-book store, Amazon.
As long as they don’t talk down to me because I order a DosXX over some piss water microbrew, they’re good in my book
Biggest issue with the majority of breweries in my city is they only sell their beer. I get not wanting to sell your competition, but you could have somewhat of a selection or at minimum liquor.
That could be due to liquor laws unfortunately. I agree though, wine or liquor should be available to some extent.
Which I get, they don’t want to get a full blown liquor license but who is trying to slam overpriced craft beers all night?
I’ve had people spend six hours at my brewery, never without a beer in their hand. You’d be surprised.
I have to assume suburb clientele is slightly different than the Madtree, Rhinegeist or Woodburn crowd.
Columbus is usually pretty good about that if you make it down this way. Yeah a solid 2/3 of products will be theirs but they understand that Yuengling and a smattering of macro brews are also important
That is like saying “man it grinds my gears this local Chinese restaurant doesn’t sell PF Chang’s OR any Mexican food”
Haven’t read yet but A++ user name.
I feel like ‘gritty’ bartenders at TGIFridays are probably hard to come by…
I mean, a bad haircut sucks but you know what sucks worse? Calcifying your Pineal Gland from Fluoridated water and suppressing critical thought and creativity while people in other countries get better pre-college education and then come here and buy all the major real estate with the money from their really well paying jobs here and then they laugh and laugh and laugh at how rich they are and how stupid we are lol
Everyone one of your comments contains at least one word I’ve never heard before.
Real estate is so 2000s, we crypto now
We’re moving to block chained real estate contracts/transactions
As a former barback in a college bar, the only character trait I cared about in a bartender was getting out of the way when I delivered fresh ice. Literally anything else I can handle.
This was an entertaining piece and I enjoyed it. Also you just helped me decide tonight is going to be another Mojito Madness at the Cush household, so thank you for that.