======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
The following are Eric’s thoughts as he downloads Bumble for the first time.
All right, here we go. I know I told myself I wouldn’t need dating apps, but that could not have been more wrong. After spending the last few weekends getting too drunk and acting a fool at the bars, it’s clear my game has taken a serious hit. Shit, last weekend I spent, like, $80 on drinks for girls that clearly weren’t interested in me. It’s time to get some training wheels and go back to the minor leagues.
Plus, everyone and their mothers are on dating apps nowadays. Like, literally, their mothers. Jack actually matched with the mom of a kid he went to high school with last time he was home for Thanksgiving. That kid did not appreciate hearing about that. Not gonna lie though, it’s good to see Jack with a black eye every once in a while. Maybe he’ll learn to stop talking shit.
Aaand, we’re in. Just gotta pick some photos and make a bio. Should be easy enough, I’m pretty funny.
*30 minutes of cropping, screenshotting, and typing later*
Okay, I’m definitely not as funny as I thought I was. Or as good looking. And why are all my pictures blurry? Oh yeah, that’s because my only hobby is drinking. Wait, should I write that in my bio? Is that funny or sad? Probably sad. Whatever, as if anyone has real hobbies and shit. Are dudes out here just, like, woodworking in their spare time? Buncha nerds. That’s fine, my bio is solid.
“Bar dance floor champ 2013-2017. Looking for someone that doesn’t get embarrassed easily.”
That’s gold. A little self-deprecating humor plus a little bragging equals a lot of game. I’m funny and charming. Let’s start swiping.
*swipes right on 18 consecutive girls*
Damn, I should have been on this Bumble train to begin with. There are more dimes in here than a 1950s gumball machine. Heh, that’s pretty funny. Gotta remember to use that line with the boys. Now we’re getting down to the meat of this app. First picture is a group shot? Swipe left. No doubt in my mind she was the fat one in the middle. And with unlimited girls at my fingertips, why even take a few seconds to search the other photos?
Bikini pic with giant sunglasses covering her face? Yes, please. Even if the face isn’t great, her body is still solid. The last few weeks have taken a toll on my confidence and libido, and I’m fine with a slump buster. Let’s move on to the speed round.
Blonde hair and a dog? Swipe right.
Picture of her and her grandpa? Swipe left. She’s probably looking for a serious relationship.
Picture of her on a boat? Swipe left. That’s probably her ex’s boat, and I don’t need to compete with some finance bro making $110K at 26.
Picture of her volunteering with an African child? That’s a shameless self-promo, but I respect it. Right swipe.
Hmmm. Brunette. Not hot. But not not hot. She’s got a drink in her hand in 3/5ths of her photos, so I know we share a hobby. Fuck it, I’ll swipe right. Daddy needs to get laiiii— Oh nice. We matched.
Now I just have to wait for her to send an opener, and ya boy is in. I’ve already got it all planned out. I’m thinking 2-3 days of flirty messaging, then I ask her out for drinks. Nothing fancy. Can’t be dropping all my bread on a girl that’s not a total smoke. We’ll get nice and toasty off some tastings at a wine bar, then back to my place to close it out. Maybe I’ll keep her on the roster, maybe not. Hell, by that time I’ll probably have dates set up for every night of the-
*The ding of the phone snaps him out of his daydream. He eagerly looks at the message and reads it to himself*
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to match with you. You seem great, though! Good luck.”
What the fuck is that supposed to… did… did she just unmatch me? Wow, that’s a real knife in the heart. If I can’t pull a chick I don’t even think is that cute, how am I ever going to meet anyone? Maybe I should just resign myself to a life of loneliness. Clearly, my best days are behind me and now I’ve got to set my bar way lower in an attempt not to become a born-again virgin.
Fuck it, I’m downloading Tinder and just trawling the seedy underbelly of society for a girl that will settle for me. She’ll probably have a kid and tattoos that “her friend gave her in his garage,” and those back-dimple studs. That’s where I stack up now. Those are the kind of girls I can pull now. Why did I think this breakup is a good idea? I should—
Oh, nice another match! And it’s that hot blonde with the dog. Your boy’s still got it. Never doubted myself for a second. Dating apps are awesome. I can’t believe I was missing out on all this sweet action when I was in a relationship. Can’t wait to see what she messages me. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
When I got out of a relationship and downloaded Bumble, it went something like this:
– Wow, there are a lot of hot chicks out there.
– Damn, looks like I swiped through all the hot chicks already.
I’ll just increase my radius by 5 miles…. Oh look a match, three states over! We can make this work.
I’m (luckily) out of the game but for all you in the struggle, my brother just got engaged to his bumble girlfriend so there is hope for everyone. Have a blessed day y’all
Does your brother work in finance and got engaged in Paris? Because I think I recently heard something about that…
You work for bumble, don’t you
I hate how accurate this is
Serious question for the women on these apps: how on earth are we supposed to come up with a non cliched ice breaker when your bio reads “I like drinking wine, watching Netflix, and travelling”?!?!
If they put zero effort into their bio then it’s totally justified to put zero effort into your opener.
Or just ask her if she also likes to live, laugh, and love.
“Do you happen to think everything happens for a reason? Me too!”
When is Amazon going to create a dating app that links you up based on your purchase history? Prime Now a date to your house in 2 hours with a bottle of wine and food from Amazon Restaurants would be clutch.
This also for netflix
“Makes the bed every morning. Drinks wine every night. Might as well join in.”
If you’re sending more than 5each back and fourths on the app you’re doing it wrong. Make them laugh, propose drinks, offer number, plan night. Don’t text a ton in between that.
Pretty sure the apps are broken these days guys, I definitely haven’t been shown to anyone in ages. Someone should write a letter to Tinder
Right there with you. All of my matches disappear when I message them, they can’t be happy they aren’t able to respond.
Serious question – is Bumble the go-to app these days? A recently single friend asking me for suggestions on what apps to us and I told him to use Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel and Hinge. When I was using apps, I never had success with Bumble and neither has another perpetually single friend, but it seems like lots of people on here use it.
I have better luck on tinder then I do on bumble. But honestly for 80% of guys dating apps aren’t the move , not that you shouldn’t be on them just don’t expect good shit from them.
Why do you think that?
I’ve always been under the impression that as long as you’re at least a decent looking guy with a good personality, you’ll have at least some luck.
Not bragging at all but I’ve noticed that my personality comes off way better in person than on an app where jokes easily can be misconstrued. Also, I’m very average looking so it’s easy to overlook me.
Isn’t that why you want to limit your conversations on a dating app to some banter and then set up a date? No point wasting time messaging someone who you may or may not meet and may or may not have chemistry with.
This comment hits home but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with the exact same problem. Keep on keepin’ on my man
There is a really long answer here but I’ll give you the short version. It’s hard to show personality on an app, which means for the most part the decisions to swipe or not are being made completely based off of looks. Women are much more selective on a looks scale about who is hot then men are, which is fine because women give less of a shit about looks then they do about other things (personality, humor, kindness… etc). But if you can’t show women those other aspects of you then you going to find alot less women who want to hangout with you in comparison to what you would get in a normal interaction. Look I’m not saying your friend won’t get matches on there, I’m just saying he’ll probably be more excited about the women he meet through normal life means like clubs/groups and other shit.
Very fair point and I think it’s why the type of pictures you put in your bio is key. He’s not much of a club/pick a girl up at a bar kinda guy though, so aside from friend groups, it looks like apps might be his best bet.
I wouldn’t suggest clubs or bar either. When I said clubs before I didn’t mean dance clubs I meant like Meetup groups. If the guy likes animals I would tell him to volunteer at the shelter, he should be joining a bunch of coed groups (beer league sports, postgrad networking groups…etc.). Once again there is a long explanation here but this is what works best for most guys.
Me and several of my friends met our SOs on Coffee Meets Bagel, for what it’s worth. It seems like that app has the highest rate of people that actually want to meet, not just match and chat forever.
My city is so small that I’ve swiped through everyone. Until I redownload the apps and match with the same people 6 months later