Questions From The Chase: Relationship Limbo

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Much of the midwest and northeast has been struck with bitter cold and large amounts of snow this week. And while it is only people who live in the midwest and northeast that have to deal with this bullshit, this time of the year is one which affects everyone in this country.

I am speaking, of course, about cuffing season. And with temperatures dropping to record lows and people everywhere opining for the comfort of a warm bed rather than a seat at the bar, I am ready to declare it cuffing season in the continental United States.

If you’ve got a casual fling, a bonafide significant other, or anything in between, the internet will tell you that you should do everything in your power to make sure that you keep that person on lockdown for the next few months so that you have someone to watch the new season of Peaky Blinders with.

I don’t know anything about this girl’s situation other than what she has told me in the italicized text below. I also don’t know what sort of drug cocktail she’s taken to think that I was the best person to e-mail about this. But one thing I know for certain is that I can welcome her aboard Johnny D’s Straight Talk Express (see pictures of John McCain’s ‘00 campaign if you don’t understand what I’m talking about) this morning and try my best to help her out of this little predicament.

I don’t know if you still answer random asks or anything but if you do, I’d like your help with this. (I’ve read your blogs for a while now and I always appreciate your blunt male point of view on the hellscape that is dating in your early twenties.) So here’s my issue: This guy and I have been sleeping together for 8 months or so. It’s fun the sex is great, usually some light ribbing at the others expense accompanied by tv at his place and sometimes I make dinner. Since I live far I pretty much always sleep there when he has to leave for work in the morning. It is blissfully easy and uncomplicated (which is exactly what I need after ending a 5 year relationship with my ex before-this year is the first time I’m single since I was like 17. My problem is: how do you turn a fuck buddy into a bonafide friendship if you weren’t friends before you slept together? I want to be able to feel comfortable inviting him to bars and stuff to hangout without it seeming date-y? he’s someone who’s been in my life for a while and who I respect so whenever this fizzles out I still want to be able to be friends with him. I just worry that since we weren’t friends before we started hooking up, we won’t be after. Am I just too in my head about it? SOS

My reading comprehension is far better than most, so unless I’m off base here, this girl is saying that she’s been hooking up with a guy for eight months and she’s expecting it to fizzle out soon. She enjoys spending time with him and the sex is great, but she wants to turn him into “just a friend” if this all goes south so that she can still hang out with him?

Let me start by saying that if you’ve been hooking up with someone for eight months you’re no longer allowed to call that person a fuck buddy. You make dinners for him, watch tv, and sleep together.

In 2017 that is dating and the two of you are in a relationship whether you want to admit it or not. The reason I say that you’re dating is because eight months is a long time to go without defining the thing that the two of you are doing.

If it was three or four months I would allow you to continue calling him a fuck buddy. But at eight months? Eight months?? That’s nearly a year, lady, and I’m sorry to break it to you but that’s modern dating. Relationships are always going to be difficult to define when they start out as a friends with benefits type of thing, but this seems to me like a pretty open and shut case.

The question I’d like to pose to you is this: do you want to be dating this guy? Because from the latter half of your question it sounds like you’ve got one foot out the door already and you’re sort of just waiting for something bad to happen.

This defeatist attitude is bad news and you need to shape up ASAP. Is it realistic to believe that, in this day and age, an eight month whatever-this-is will fizzle out? Yes, and I appreciate the fact that you can look at this situation realistically.

But you said yourself the sex is great and you enjoy spending time with him. From what you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like there is any reason for this thing to fizzle out any time soon. I think what you meant to ask me was something along the lines of “How do I get this guy to go to the bar with me and have fun?”

I think you need to sit down with him and have an honest conversation about what it is that you’re doing and where it’s going. Once you lay the cards out on the table you’re both going to realize that you’ve already been pseudo-dating for a while now.

Incorporating trips to bars and restaurants isn’t rocket science, and I have faith that you can do this. From my limited understanding of the situation, you both enjoy spending time with one another and I think you should focus on making this work rather than worry about how you’re going to remain friends if or when you stop seeing each other.

I had to re-read this submission four times just to make sure I was understanding it correctly. Her description of what is going on and what she wants is, at best, muddled, so there’s a chance I got this one wrong. I can’t be expected to knock every single one out of the park when people are sending me wildly contradictory statements. I hope this eight-month love affair blossoms from here. God speed..

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Johnny D

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