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Usually the decision to order a lunch beer is one that comes after heavy internal deliberation. Are the people you’re dining with going to frown upon it? Are you confident that everyone will fall in line after you order one due to peer pressure? What if they just stick with an iced tea and then you’re the only asshole at the table with a frosty beer mug in front of you?
Usually these are all valid questions that, uncomfortable as they might be, need to be answered before you decide that lunch beers are happening. But we’re not in “usual” territory right now.
Lunch beers around this time of year just taste better because the tough questions you see directly above this paragraph are more easily answered. There isn’t even a sliver of productivity happening in offices around this country. For a majority of us, there aren’t any higher ups breathing down our necks asking us to produce something of value for the company.
It starts as a playful joke right when you get in. Something in passing that you say to Dave as you’re waiting for the Keurig to finish spitting brown water into your coffee cup.
“Man I’m thinking I might need a beer by lunchtime today. This coffee ain’t gonna get the job done… You know what I’m saying, Dave? Haha catch ya later.”
Dave wearily shrugs off your comment. “Yeah, see you around.” He’s tired and in no mood for any kind of joke, be it about beers or anything else.
Around 8:00 a.m., a “joke” about drinking beers at lunch is nothing more than that. Innocuous, innocent, and altogether ridiculous. But it becomes something a little more serious three hours later. It’s now 11:00 a.m., and you’re pacing around the cube farm looking for something to break the monotony.
The clock seems to have stopped ticking. Every cubicle wall you peer over is either uninhabited or occupied by a person scrolling Instagram, laughing at memes to fill the existential void that this job has created in their life.
It’s three days until Christmas Eve for Christ’s sake. Nothing is going on, and maybe you decide to sidle up to Dave’s cube and see what he thinks about taking a trip to the Hooters a few miles away from the office. Dave’s a good guy. You’ve hit the bar circuit with him before so you know he parties, and as you playfully knock on his cube, you’re praying that he’s in a better mood then the one you found him in this morning.
“So Dave. About those lunch beers….you game?”
A wry smile comes across Dave’s face. “Let me finish up this game of Solitaire. You driving?”
“Can do, buddy.”
And just like that a joke has now become your reality. But what is the threshold here for lunch beers? Is it two? Three? Are you sticking with classic domestic lights or are you going to opt for something more exotic like an IPA?
For the purposes of this argument, and seeing as it is the holiday season AND your boss has been gone since last Wednesday, I think you keep the maximum number of beers at three.
Let’s not muddy the waters with silly IPAs and seasonal drafts today. You’re hitting a Hooters or a bar and grill with similar price points, so let’s just keep it in the domestic family. I’m not advocating for you and your metaphorical buddy Dave to get sloshed here.
I’m just thinking that if you’re reading this to begin with you’re probably not getting a whole lot done at work today. Get a schooner full of beer and some hot wings from a waitress named Savannah or Chastity and tip her 25%. Just make sure Dave doesn’t get past that three beer threshold. That guys a wildcard..
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
As a cartographer for an energy company with a zero alcohol tolerance, this article makes me question where I went wrong. Should I quit while shot gunning a beer in my manager’s office? Should I go on a bender during lunch and come back blacked out? Should I do cocaine in the office bathroom? These are all questions that run through my head everyday when I hear about other people going out for lunch beers.
What’s the deal with all these cartographers in the PGP community? I’m a cartographer too
Had no idea cartographers still exist. Considering a career change
Didn’t know so many of us worked for pirates.
You can get a beer with me tomorrow since I’m WFH and am able to get a decent buzz going.
My level of self control is slim to none (i.e. one beer will become five (5) beers and three (3) shots of tequila), so if you are driving, then I am in, papí.
Why would I drive when you can take the bus like the garbage you are?
I paid YOUR bus fare last week, hoebag. And, yeah, I am garbage, what of it? I am living my best life and would appreciate a little less judgement from someone who can’t afford their own bus fare.
Please. Just. Bang. Already.
Agreed, this dance has gone on long enough.
Username checks out
my vote goes to all three
name does not check out
Bitch, please. Imagine me living up to any expectations that anyone has ever had of me.
If you fall asleep at your desk, that’s too many. Other than that, you’re golden.
Some would say falling asleep at work is a power move.
It’s respected in Japan. It means you’re working too hard.
If Mean Girls taught me anything it’s that the limit does not exist
Many have called me an expert in this field of study. I implore you, please stick to one, perhaps two, lunch beers.
Definitely agree
Our office Christmas lunch is at a local Mexican restaurant (not even El Tiempo, sorry 19th) and we were specifically told no margaritas. PGP
They said no margaritas. No mention about no shots. I say line em up and let it rip. See how it goes.
….margaritas plural……order the biggest one they serve there.
As long as your eyes aren’t glossy, you’re good.
I’d like to think co-worker “Dave” is finishing up a Runescape quest instead of solitaire.
lol wut?
Does RuneScape still exist? Apparently it does since my iPhone corrected it to a proper noun
WOW I am fucking salivating for a beer right now.
I go home for lunch now and a couple of Miller Lattes have now become a lunchtime staple.
A solid two is a happy median but no more than 3, especially if you’re prone to the beer burps. I’m more a lunch marg guy(no beer burps) so i keep myself to 2 margaritas when i eat at Papasitos.