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Going home for the holidays is just one of many hidden tortures we have to deal with as sort-of-adults. I’m not saying that it’s not great. I mean, sure. It is, in theory. You see the people you love. You get to drink all of the beer in your dad’s fridge. Your mom makes all of your favorite foods, and your grandma slips you a $20 “just because.”
But, of course, the price you pay for avoiding picking up the tab at dinner for a week and having your parents grant your every wish is, of course, the nagging. The probing questions. The awkward small talk with relatives you can’t stand. So, to make things a little easier this year, here are a few ways to mentally, physically, and emotionally prepare yourself to get through the next month a little richer, a little fatter, and without having a holiday-induced anxiety attack.
Get A Haircut
It doesn’t matter when your last pruning was. Honestly, it could have been last week. Your mom/grandma/aunt is still going to say something along the lines of, “you look like a scraggly piece of shit.” No matter your gender, no matter the last time you got it done, your hair will never be clean enough, healthy enough, or styled enough.
Get it fixed up the day before and when they start pestering you, just say you’re due for another cut soon, but that prices are so high in (insert city name here). Not only will they feel bad, but you might get a little extra money slipped into your card for a visit to the salon that you most definitely won’t take.
Decide How Work Is Going
One of the first questions each and every person you come in contact with is going to ask is, “how’s work going?” They don’t even necessarily have to know what you do for a living. They just have nothing else to talk about and the alcohol hasn’t quite kicked in yet. Instead of blubbering along, talking about how you thought your job was going to be better but that your boss is an idiot who is way overpaid and you’d really like to just quit and hopefully become Youtube famous, take a second to really think about it.
Being fully honest and bearing your soul to your ancient Aunt Aubrey isn’t going to get you out of the conversation anytime soon. Have an easy, “I really enjoy it! It might not be forever, but for right now, it’s a great position and I’m really lucky,” bullshit answer that will get you a relieved smile in a return and the opportunity to slip away to the bar ASAP.
Determine If You Like Where You Live
Going hand-in-hand with liking your job, liking where you live is the second time-filling question each and every person will ask. It’s dull. It’s a cop-out. But yes, it’s going to happen. Whether you moved across the country or down the street, all of your relatives will want to know how you’re liking being on your own, as well as make a comment about how they visited your area in 1994.
Give them a quick, “It’s nice! I’m really starting to settle in,” answer then let them ramble on about their neighbor’s cousin who visited a town two hours from you last year until someone asks them about their cats and you can disappear to the bathroom to scroll Instagram for a while.
Figure Out Your Relationship Status
Whether you’ve never been in a relationship or been dating the same person since high school, everyone is going to want to know how things are going. Which basically means, “when the fuck are you getting married.” Whether or not it’s on the horizon, giving a vague answer here is the only way to go.
Hint even slightly that things are getting serious, and you’ll never hear the end of it. Play it too cool and act like you’re fine being single and deal with lectures about how wonderful it is to settle down and find someone to love. While you’re at it, maybe have a gameplan answer of when you’ll want children, too Just keep it at the general and noncommittal 3-5+ years and you’ll be fine.
Have A Reason For Your Weight
Whether you’ve lost weight due to your unhealthy habit of eating lettuce and chicken during the week and throwing up vodka every weekend, or you’ve gone on an all-carb diet for the past 10 months and packed on some winter weight, have an excuse for why you look the way you look.
Trimmed down? Say you’ve been moving more, and not just to the bathroom at 3 a.m. when the Taco Bell and Svedka start churning in your stomach. Packed on the pounds? Claim you’ve been really busy at work, suffered a minor injury that prevented you from working out, or started a new medication that fucked with your metabolism. Sure, they’ll realize you’re lying when you reach for your fourth helping of pie, but since when were people honest during the holidays?
Think Of Some Non-Drinking Hobbies
Realizing you have no real hobbies is unsettling when you’re alone and decided to get high for the first time since you were 19. Realizing you have no real hobbies while a circle of family members bombards you with questions is even more unsettling. Sure, you spend your free time downing mimosas at brunch and Pinot while watching 10 consecutive hours of Netflix on Friday night. But, oddly, real ass adults don’t really view those activities as hobbies.
Pick a few book titles and research their basic plotlines. Snap some pictures of your friend’s garden and act like you’ve gotten really into harvesting things. Talk about that one time you went camping and just omit the part where you got so drunk you feel into the fire and left at 5 a.m. because your tent was moist and you kept hearing weird noises outside.
Have A Story That Doesn’t Involve Sex, Alcohol, or Television
As noted above, a decent amount of your free time might be spent on the couch or in an alcohol-induced haze. Instead of telling your family how you watched all of Game of Thrones in the course of a month, how hungover you were the day after your birthday, or how you dated someone for a month but “never left the bedroom,” find a different feat to brag about when people start telling stories.
Did you go hiking once 9 months ago? Great! Did you visit the dog shelter and consider getting a pooch? There ya go! Did you try to cook dinner instead of getting Chipotle again? That’s something. Whatever you have, cling to it and exploit it for all it’s worth.
Get A Xanny Prescription
I’m not saying drugging yourself up is the key to a happy holiday. But I’m also not not saying that either..
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Im headed to the wife’s home base for Christmas. The in laws take it to another level. They have 3 full days of “traditions” we have to partake in from morning to night and it’s quite the experience. At least the free golf is worth sharing her childhood double bed for a week.
How are the feats of strengths and airing of grievances?
My MIL’s are awesome.
Living at home year round. PGP
Taking a Xanax before hanging out with the family. What could go wrong?
Step 1: drink
Step 2: See step 1
Luckily I got out of seeing my extended family this year. I cannot tell you how pumped I am.
These posts about preparing to go home for the holidays really make me appreciate how sane and understanding my family is. At no point does talking to a relative seem like a chore and I don’t feel the need to sensor myself.
I agree. I also don’t get the hatred of small talk, would you guys prefer to just sit there in silence and have nobody talk to you?
yes
I’m not a postgrad yet so maybe this doesn’t apply to me but I really enjoy going home for the holidays.
Technically the entire site shouldn’t apply to you.
Your name has too much potential to lay an egg in the comments section like this