What Drink To Pair With Every Conversation You’ll Have Over The Holidays

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The holidays are a magical time. A time for laughter, cheer, and family. But most importantly, it’s a time for ingesting copious amounts of food and drink and having the same uncomfortable, awkward conversations that you do every year. The conversations may be the worst, but there’s at least one thing you can do to make them better: drink. As an expert in being an embarrassment to my family, I’ve created an easy pairings list for you to know which beverage you should have in your hand while being forced into the following discussions.

“How’s the job hunt going?”

God help those poor souls who aren’t gainfully employed over the holidays. Just a year ago, I was in your shoes, and I remember how awful those shoes were. No matter how many times your relatives hear your slew of catch phrases such as “It’s going,” “got something that looks promising coming up,” and “the market is tough right now,” they’re still going to force this conversation on you, because they derive sexual pleasure from your discomfort. Or they care. I can’t tell. Either way, you’re going to be hearing stories about their coworker’s daughter who just got a job, tips on how to boost your app (call the CEO of the company!), and generic platitudes about how it’ll make you stronger. I would recommend double fisting Miller Lites for this encounter. After all, it’s not like they can think any less of you, and hopefully seeing you slam cheap beer in their face will scare them off.

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Ahh, the old classic. I would pair this delightful conversation with an unnecessarily large glass of Merlot and an eye-roll. Your mom knows you’re not seeing anyone, or at least anyone worth bringing home, and this is just her way of telling you to get your shit together and attract someone so she can have grandchildren. Wine will keep you happy (or at least sane) enough to power through this conversation with minimum self-pity.

“How’s (insert name of your college ex)?”

Goddamn it, Dad. We broke up six years ago. I know that might not seem like a long time in your ancient decrepit body, but that’s like a fifth of my entire life. You may as well ask me what my kindergarten teacher is up to lately! Is what you’ll say in your head. Out loud, you’ll give the most generic answers you can, gleaned from what you’ve seen on social media in a desperate effort to get through this discussion as fast as possible. Pair this with a glass of eggnog. Your dad won’t know how much rum is in it, and it gives you an excuse to go hide in the bathroom for twenty minutes crying about “the one that got away.” Everyone will just assume you’re destroying the toilet, because eggnog is a fucking bowel nightmare.

“So, what exactly is it you do at work?”

Oh, grandma. Poor, sweet, grandma. There is no way in a million years you’re going to understand what a Back-End Web Developer is. Last Thanksgiving, I tried to explain to my elderly aunt what my advertising job entailed, and she asked me if I “went door-to-door or used the computer.” I would recommend a small vodka-soda for this conversation. It goes down smooth, and you can finish it quickly and leave under the pretense of getting a refill. Your grandma is just going to think you “play around on the computer all day instead of working” anyway. Just accept it.

“How about those (sports team)?”

Whew. One of the few conversations you can have where you’re not actively uncomfortable and sweating through your sweater. All you have to do is listen to your uncle regurgitate whatever he heard on Sirius XM sports radio, and occasionally agree that Carson Wentz is “turning into a real talent.” You may have to deal with some unintentional racism about the Steelers touchdown celebrations “making a mockery of the NFL,” but it’s a small price to pay to not be judged for, like, twenty minutes. Enjoy a delicious craft beer and treat this conversations like a mini-vacation. You’ve earned it.

“Let’s all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for!”

I want to hate on this, but it’s just such a classic mom move I can’t. Your mother loves you, goddamn it, and she wants to hear about all the good things in your life. We all know having her kids home for the holidays is like a sweet heroin high for your mom, so just indulge her and be thankful for something. Pair this awkward tradition with a glass of your dad’s nice scotch. You two can drink it and make meaningful eye contact with each other as you judge everyone’s giving of thanks.

“Yo, you trying to get high before this meal?”

Where would you be without your shithead cousins? Sure, they never left your small town and you’re pretty sure one of them got his license suspended after his third DUI last year, but they are an oasis in the desert of family. They are pillars of, if not sanity, then at least the right type of insanity to keep you going through the extended weekend with your family. Go grab some tallboys of cheap beer and meet them out in the woods in ten minutes. You’ll learn in several years that your parents always knew how high you were, but they didn’t care as long as you were home for the holidays..

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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