A Guide To Being A Normal Person: Simple Etiquette

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

“The norm” no longer exists for you. Etiquette changes as you get older, therefore, you must adapt to certain social standards or be treated as an outcast. The transition is difficult at all stages of life, but none may seem more difficult than the transition from college to the real world. “Look at all these fucks I give” is no longer a valid excuse for being a non-adult.

Tipping

The old adage goes, “If you can’t afford the tip, then don’t fucking go to Chili’s.” At least that’s what I’ve told myself. When you’re at a bar or restaurant, you tip. I don’t care how shitty your service was, how much of a bitch your waitress was, or how much of an idiot you thought the bartender was. It’s 20%. Even if you’re in Vegas where the average busboy hauls in $65k a year, tip 20%. If you can’t afford 20% of your tab as a tip, then I must quote the mid-2000s pop mega-hit, Fergalicious: “If you ain’t got no money, take your broke ass home.”

Dollar per drink tip at the bar. Also, never, ever, ever leave a tip of less than a dollar on the bar. If your drink cost $3.25, tip $1.75. Nothing more embarrassing than the clanging of change on a bar without the soft mattress of a Washington. Tip well.

Weddings

If you got invited to a wedding, it’s your duty to reciprocate the gesture of free prime rib and top shelf booze with a household appliance or better. A nice card and handwritten note with a crisp $20 bill in it at least shows you tried. Also, don’t pull the dick move of buying a gift for the couple that the couple themselves could not afford. That’s a move reserved for family only. It’s not only unnecessary, it’s just flat out rude.

Did you get a plus-one? If the answer is no, then you don’t bring a date. Did you get a plus-one? Did you RSVP for two? Then you sure as hell better bring a date, even if it’s your mom. A lot of time, money and planning goes into a wedding, especially the reception.

Conducting Yourself In A Social Business Environment

The dreaded email hits your inbox. Company-wide happy hour this week. You can’t not go. If you skip this, you’ll look like you don’t care about your job. You may actually not care about your job, but looking and acting like you care about your job is almost as important as having one in the first place.

So you’re out at a bar with some coworkers and it’s time to order a drink. Stick with a beer or a nice mixed drink. Drinking straight liquor will raise some eyebrows and ordering shots will make everyone uncomfortable. However, there are some extenuating circumstances that may allow for you to get shitfaced with coworkers:

1. You are with coworkers that are of the same age as you and do not possess the ability to fire you.
2. Your boss already left.

You also never know who’s going to be a tattletale and report you to HR for hitting on a coworker. My advice to you is to play it cool and save the raging for when you’re amongst friends who you trust.

48

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

• @BrianMcGannon
• @brianmcgannon
• brianmcgannon