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It’s big-ass tv buying season, y’all. Let these hot deals wash over you like a Turkish bath. Black Friday and Cyber Monday are ready to unsheath their throbbing deals and penetrate your EOY budgetary surplus, ever so tenderly.
There is nothing more satisfying than walking into a Best Buy, a Fry’s Home Electronics, a Target or any other big box retailer store with a fat stack of bills/debit card with a healthy balance, ready to stuff a 60-inch 120hz 4K smart TV into a shopping cart that can barely hold it. Stroll up to the cashier looking like a Big Baller™ and be the envy of the entire store. That’s center stage. Nice wi-fi extender you got there, sir. Do you mind making some room so I can get this behemoth of a Samsung to the next register? Thanks.
Ain’t nothing better than swiping the card on a hot TV deal. I don’t care that I’m more than likely gonna lose this unnecessarily small master remote in less than 90 days. It’s big ass tv buying season.
Sidebar: What happened to gigantic remotes? I can guarantee you that your parents still have at least one old remote from that 300-pound Toshiba tube TV back in the day. Those remotes were built like brick shit houses and you couldn’t lose that thing in a hurricane during midnight blindfolded. Thanks a lot, Tim Cook. Stupid dick. Billion dollar idea, Tim. Make a goddamn remote that doesn’t get lost underneath a Wheat Thin. Did I just blow your mind?
I’m always gonna be an in-store purchaser of TVs. No way will I ever buy a television online. That’s my promise to you. First off, that shit’s getting stolen right off your front steps while you’re at work or it’s gonna get absolutely shattered in the back of some UPS truck during the holidays. Let’s keep brick and mortar alive for as long as we can.
Walking into a TV section at a store is how I felt the first time I walked into a casino. Just completely overwhelmed and hyperstimulated, ready to set all of my money on fire. You’re getting hit from all sides. Total ambush. What’s this? QLED? Didn’t even realize we went straight from OLED to QLED. Guess P just doesn’t even matter anymore in the hierarchy of resolution. Do I need a $400 Bose high soundbar to go along with this thing? You’re goddamn right I do. Did you hear how awesome Charlie Puth sounded when I hit the little demo button? This thing goes!
Oh God, there’s blood in the water. What else do I want along with this big ass TV? XBox One, Apple TV? Why not. Fuck me up.
Bringing the brand new big ass TV home is probably about as close as you can get to bringing home your first born baby. I’m going to take such good care of you. Don’t worry. It’s just us now, buddy. I’m going 10 MPH under the speed limit all the way home. Nothing is going to hurt my baby. Yeah, I’m talking about the big ass TV, not an actual baby.
I swear they put some sort of stimulant inside these TV packing boxes too. Opening a fresh TV stuffed into a box full of Styrofoam and that super soft covering material is like prancing into a field full of daisies. Pure ecstasy. Delicious. Give me more.
The true climax of this blessed event is when that bad boy is mounted on a sturdy wall stud or perched atop a TV stand, the updates are running and you start to peel off the tape around the screen. Oh…my…GOD. Straight up tantric sex. Val Venis Titantron. My goodness. What a special moment.
I am a consumer piece of trash, and I am damn proud of it. Go buy a TV this holiday season. Doesn’t even have to be all that big. Go buy a kitchen TV. Pick up a nice 28-incher for the bathroom. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. .
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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When I was a smart ass high school freshman my dad took me with him to Best Buy and proudly pointed at a 50″ he was about to buy. Because I revel in chaos, I asked him why mom wouldn’t let him by a man size tv. He told me to shut the hell up, bought a 65″ and then had to explain to my mom that I more or less bullied him into it.
My dad called me in line when he bought his 75″ tv. He was so giddy, he kept rambling on about how great football was going to be on it.
Mount it or don’t even bother at all
That’s what she said.
What are we saying qualifies as a big ass tv? I’ve got a 60″ ultra hd one and I love it but does that meet the minimum qualifications? Need to know in case I have to upgrade.
Bathroom/Kitchen: 30+ inches
Bedroom: 43+ inches
Living Room: 60+ inches
Basement: 70+ inches
Well I live in a one bedroom apartment by myself so I’m only concerned about living room. I’ve never been a fan of a tv in the bedroom; that’s reserved for sleeping and sex. I could get down with a tv in the bathroom though.
If you live in a one bedroom apartment why would you limit the sex to just the bedroom?
This comment really makes me miss living alone.
Sup I’ve got a 1 bedroom apartment
I don’t. What I am limiting is the tv watching to the living room.
I just got my first bedroom tv of my life and it’s awesome. Never had one as a kid or in college. I’m in love with throwing on a hockey game or weekday MACtion and setting the sleep timer to 30 minutes.
I concur with Brian. 70+ inches or get the fuck out (GTFO).
I got in on the crazy pre-Black Friday Samsung deal last year and snagged an almost top-of-the-line 55 incher for like $550. Since it was being delivered, I probably refreshed that delivery page at least 120 times while at work. That night, I got home, set it up and fired a 4K Blu-ray I had already purchased. My eyes cried tears of joy from how beautiful the picture quality was.
I’m literally On my way to go buy a bigger TV cuz I’m sick of my roommate’s 40” in the living room and there are some great CFB games this week
Wait why? Black Friday is around the corner. You’re probably going to overspend.
Best Buy has Black Friday deals right now i found out so I’m beating the rush
Dude you’re gonna want to hold out today and wait in line over night on Black Friday because it’s not about the deal, it’s about being there first and taking side deals to have people cut you in line for money and then it’s all about absolutely trampling those same people you just took money from in order to buy a $12 90” TV and smash ppl out of the way with the box so you can be the first at checkout. Side tip: if you walk out with the box without paying, once you get past the sidewalk with the pillars in front of the store, they cannot chase you by law. They can only call the cops/mall security. So park far away so they don’t take your plates and run for your life with your free big ass TV. It’s capitalism!
I went with the projector route, because for the same price as a 65″ TV, I’ve got 100″ of movie theater glory and a 7.1 surround sound system.
I am buying one very soon and this just got me so jacked up.
Also, the entire sidebar paragraph is pure gold
Not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate
My wife promised me a 70” but only got me a 65”. Safe to say things aren’t looking good.
I️ promised my wife 7” but didn’t even come through with that. Heeeyyyyoooo!!!!