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Adult Halloween. Hate it or love it, it’s one of the sloppiest/fun nights of the year. You have the chance to become someone entirely different and literally hide behind a mask. If you’re going all out for Halloween this year, your costume cannot be thrown together at the last minute. You need a full breakdown. Pros and cons. Analysis, if you will.
Corporate America has taught me many things, one of the most important is the ever-overused “S.W.O.T.” analysis. Strength, Weaknesses, Opportunity, Threats. Cut and dry. What’s good, what’s bad? Let’s break it down.
For The Fellas
Ken Bone
Strength: Always hilarious. Nostalgic humor. Great practical, cheap prop opportunity with the disposable camera.
Weakness: This was memed to death swiftly and furiously by the internet and is now viewed as “lame.”
Opportunity: Finally get one last use out of your Christmas mass outfit from 2006.
Threats: Insensitive political humor. Everything is so serious these days. Bound to trigger someone. Sad.
Pirate or Dracula or Something Else Lame
Strength: Everyone looks cool in a cape.
Weaknesses: Stage makeup probably necessary, makes it look like you put in too much effort.
Opportunity: Sexual fantasies to be fulfilled.
Threats: You will be labeled as unoriginal for half-assing a costume idea. Worst case scenario, you overdo it with the makeup and end up looking like Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Athlete
Strength: Finally get to wear a jersey again. It’s been so long.
Weaknesses: You do not have the body to pull this off.
Opportunity: Excuse to talk sports with your bros and recreate your favorite memories.
Threats: Jager stains. You paid $149.99 for an authentic jersey. Also, you are 100% going to injure yourself trying to do something athletic.
Donald Trump
Strengths: Will be a big hit with the MAGA crowd, may not have to pay for a drink all night.
Weaknesses: I shouldn’t have to tell you.
Opportunity: Bust out that C+ Trump impression you’ve been overusing all year in an appropriate setting.
Threats: All of them. Death threats. Threats of physical violence. Getting doxxed by someone who is mad on Twitter.
For The Ladies
Barb from Stranger Things
Strengths: Relevant! Season two premieres this weekend and this costume says you see yourself as a real quirky underdog!
Weaknesses: Let’s be honest, Barb wasn’t winning any beauty contests.
Opportunity: You can really get into this character. She’s got sass and edge.
Threats: Barb truthers who will lash out at you with claims about Barb being a prude and mother hen.
Mean Girls Clique
Strengths: Playing the hits. Everyone loves Mean Girls.
Weaknesses: This costume screams “I went to high school in the mid-2000s.”
Opportunity: You won’t have to ever carry a conversation because you’ll be speaking exclusively in movie quotes all night.
Threats: Other groups of women wearing the same costume. “They’ve gone wild! The girls have gone wild!”
Kellyanne Conway
Strengths: Easy to pull off. Cake on the makeup, speak with a lazy drawl, blonde wig, wear your work clothes.
Weaknesses: People might just mistake you for the Cryptkeeper.
Opportunities: Couples costume possibilities out the ass.
Threats: Again, all of them. People are mad these days.
Full Skank
Strengths: You will get laid.
Weaknesses: Horny, drunk dudes will smell the desperation from a mile away.
Opportunities: Fantastic “meet-cute” potential.
Threats: Frantic rush for Plan B while still wearing last night’s costume. .
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
I have a buddy who lost both legs in Afghanistan and he goes as Lt. Dan every year. Guy hasn’t paid for a drink in a loooooonnnnggg time (very much deserved).
I just got paid $6784 working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $9k her first month. It feels so good making so much money CV when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do… Onlinecareer10.com
As a black guy, Im going as Chubs for Happy Gilmore. Just need to find myself a (brown) wood hand.
Best bet might be a black rubber hand from an adult themed store.
I’m actually going as Lt. Dangle this year, so I appreciate your name. I’ll be new boot goofin all night.
From*
I think going as Bojack Horseman is the best thing I could possibly dress up as since I’m basically him minus the horse stuff and the child celebrity money
Going as Baymax from Big Hero 6.
Post Grad Parent move
Being forced to go as Forest Gump and Jenny this year. Sadly I’ve gone as Forest 4-5 times in my life so I want to fight it but I know I’ll be met with the “you already act like an idiot so just wear the costume to match” argument. Just going to take the loss and show up as Blackout Forest Gump.
If your gf/wife calls you out for being too drunk, just yell at her for giving you AIDS. In character, and she probably won’t bring it up again.
Does Specs do a create your own six pack? If so, get three or four of those, fill a case, play “life is like a box of beer” all night, and wake up with the worst hangover of your life.
Going as a shrimp this year
Going with Inspector Gadget this year, should be good
I went as Inspector Gadget when I was about 5 and so far it’s been the best costume I’ve ever worn.
Patrick Bateman this year
Is Dick in a Box not cool anymore? Asking for a friend.
I see no problem with that. Planning to do that myself this year.
It’s a great excuse to buy a large black dildo.
Same costume four years running: low budget South Park Canadian. Just throw on my Lindros jersey from the Olympics and draw a line across my face in magic marker. Works beautifully.