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There’s been a lot of shower talk on this website. Sit down showers, shower beers and showering after working out have all been covered ad nauseam. You may have shower fatigue, and if that’s the case, might I suggest taking a long shower to relax? Don’t get me wrong, like most rational and hygienic human beings I love showering. I just prefer to shower alone.
Originally, I thought about directing this at females exclusively, but I realized men are just as guilty of this particular crime. The offending party usually begins by innocently uttering the phrase, “Hey babe, wanna come join me?”
No babe, I don’t. First off, this isn’t a two person shower. It’s not even big enough for one person because this building was built in the late 1800s when nobody was over 5’9. Second, I was actually planning on washing my legs today. I can’t do that with your soapy ass in my stomach. Ten out of every ten times we “shower together” I end up standing at the end of the bathtub with my teeth chattering like a cartoon character while you hog all the hot water because you “have to wash your face” for 13 minutes before going to bed without brushing your teeth.
My daily shower is my last bastion as a man. I use those ten to fifteen minutes of steamy solitude to let my mind wander, work out new stand up bits out loud like a lunatic, and not spend any time with anybody else. This isn’t even directed at the Capital F Fiancee. This is directed to each and every person who thinks showering with their significant other or recent hookup is in any way fun or intimate. It’s not.
Don’t you dare try to join my shower either if you “can’t get your hair wet today.” I have a big head that refracts streams of water like a damaged sprinkler. It gets everything wet: the ceiling, the mirror above the sink and the plants on our bathroom windowsill. You wouldn’t go to an Indian restaurant if you “can’t get diarrhea today” would you? As a guy, I’m lucky that I can dry my hair quicker than a woman and never need to avoid getting it wet. That doesn’t mean I should be punished by your dry hair agenda.
The obvious solution here is two shower heads. I’ll take it one step further and suggest two separate showers. In two separate bathrooms in two separate apartments in two different parts of town because I don’t care how late you are for work, go home and shower there. And if the Capital F Fiancee is reading this (she isn’t), I hung the hose over a tree branch in the backyard. Go nuts..
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Laughed out loud at the Indian restaurant comment
Bewbs, lady slippers/lady butts, and the person they are connected to are def cool to hang out with but in the shower, it feels like having sex with a bottle of moisturizer in a frictionless space shuttle with no cool view out the window. Butttttt, when I’m like 85 and need a hot nurse to bathe me, now we’re getting somewhere
JR, my man. Couldn’t agree more. When I moved in with the old ball and chain we actually had an argument about why I lock the door and turn up my music when I shower…it really is a man’s 10 minutes of complete solitude throughout the day and it should be respected and cherished.
Locking the door is aggressive, but I respect the call.
I completely agree that if you’re actually trying to shower, it should be done alone because it never ends well. But hooking up in the shower is a great time
Shower sex is about a step above hot tub sex and a step below pool vacay sex that you hope has enough chlorine to kill whatever you’re contracting.
I can’t really do shower sex because I’m 5 foot flat so the height difference makes it a real issue, but shower foreplay is a fantastic time
No, you’re 5′ 11″. Stay in character.
Sup?
Maybe not on a random Tuesday, but if I’m getting a little shower hanky panky on a Friday after work I’m not complaining.
I don’t know if this applies all members of the fairer sex, but every girl I have showered with needs the water temp to be slightly above SCALDING levels in order to be comfortable. Now that I think about it, they were probably giving me a sign that they would rather me not be in there with them. I’m an idiot.
My wife takes steaming hot showers in the summer. Then complains about being hot after. We live in Houston.
My wife does the same. Do women run colder than men?
my BF complains about how hot I like the shower, too. It probably correlates to the fact that women are always colder than men…
Real life confession. I have never tried shower sex. I enjoy showering alone too much.
Try swimming together sometime! the ocean’s big enough for the two (or 3 or 41) of you
I’m taller than my wife by a few inches, but her legs are way longer than mine. Shower sex is impractical at best. Let’s do it in a bed or back of a car or on a beach like civilized people, thanks.
Fully agree. Stay the hell out of my shower.