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The leaves are changing, days are getting shorter, and (hopefully) the temperature will be cooling down. It’s fall – arguably the best season – which means it’s my season. That’s right, it’s back. to. school. time to settle the hell back down into a routine, you hooligans.
This year for me it’s a brand new school, new grade, and of course a new crop of the brightest stars in the galaxy. The only thing that hasn’t changed is the absolutely ludicrous things that fly out of the students’ mouths every minute. I took note of the some of the best things that the kids said to me during the first month of school, so pack your lunchbox, sharpen your pencils and tie your damn shoes. Welcome to Miss Mackay’s (new) classroom.
First day of school, being greeted with hugs, and high fives. One little girl looked me up and down.
Laurie: “Miss Mackay, your hair looks smooth like a dog.”
Thank you…?
On creating classroom rules:
Me: “Boys and girls, what are some ideas that we have to make our classroom the best that it can be?”
Timmy: “No farting on the carpet.” Many students giggle, but almost all of them nod their heads in agreement.
Me: “Oh, okay. Let’s think about the things we can do or say to be a good friend. This will help us decide some rules for our classroom.”
Several students raise their hands, but one student is waving his hand around like it’s a parade. “Yes, Billy?”
Billy: “You can make friends happy when they feel fat.”
So, to recap, the classroom rules include no farting on the carpet and don’t fat shame people. We have a few more, like leave your pets at home, don’t steal the teacher’s stuff, and always tell the truth. Any questions? No, good, I don’t think I can handle anymore.
Me, reading a book aloud to the whole quiet class. One student comes back in, stands on the carpet and loudly announces:
Richard: “Sorry I was in the bathroom for so long, I was taking a poop.”
Some kids say “ew,” but most just shrug it off, except for Kevin, who yelled back:
Kevin: “I did that before too, it’s okay.”
The amazing thing was no one really laughed. No, that’s a lie, I did behind the book. But here are these kids finding common ground and building friendships over bodily functions. Some days are just gold star days. And then, there are others…
Me: “Alright, it’s been a great day! We are going to get ready for dismissal, to ride the bus home. Yes, Sammi?”
Sammi: “My brother told me that the bus makes his wiener bounce up and down… I don’t have a wiener, but I don’t want to ride the bus anymore. Will you call my mom?”
Oh, Sammi, my girl, I’m going to have to call your mom no matter what now.
On discussing the types of neighborhoods and communities:
Me: “What could you find in a rural community? Kevin?”
Kevin: very confidently: “Ants.”
Me: “That’s interesting, what makes you think of ants?”
Kevin: “In the movies, a man and a woman always have picnics on a lot of grass and then – ”
Me: “OKAY! What could you find in a suburban community? Yes, Wally?”
Wally: “Annoying neighbors!”
Me: “Yes, you certainly have more neighbors in a suburb… and what’s something you could find in a city? Sarah?”
Sarah: “Hobos.”
I mean… we have street smarts, there is no denying that.
In the middle of the math lesson, Louis raises his hand. I am so naive that I call on him:
Louis: “Why do you wear glasses?”
Me: “So I can see.”
Louis: “Can you see me do this?” Makes a silly face
Me: “Yes, I can. That’s a silly face!”
Louis: “Can you see me do this?” Wiggles and waves around like a wacky waving inflatable tube man.
Me: “Yup I can see that too. One more test.”
Louis: “Can you see this?” Louis lays down and begins to dry hump one of the reading bean bags behind him.
Me: “Yes, yes. Okay. That’s enough. Yep saw it. Okay, stop. Please stop. No – no. Enough.”
Louis: out of breath “Wow. Those glasses must really work. My parents never see me do that!”
Either they never see it, or they always see it, Louis. And you’re getting the dry cleaning bill.
Me: “Remember, next week is picture day! Bring your best smiles!
Wally: “I don’t like smiling.”
That’s good, Wally, because usually people don’t smile in mugshots… and since you ripped the legs off of a spider at recess last week, I would say you have at least one mugshot in your future.
Me: “Okay, please turn in any of the forms from the office! We are looking for the blue, pink, and yellow papers!”
Bobby: “Miss Mackay, my mom couldn’t sign my forms last night. She was on a date and my babysitter had to put me to bed. Her door was shut this morning, so I just left them under her door.”
I was speechless, so I just gave him thumbs up and told him to have his mom sign the forms when she was not so tired. I can’t wait to meet this woman.
At the morning meeting, when we greet each other and have some show and tell time. One student raises her hand:
Me: “Yes, Laurie?”
Laurie: “Miss Mackay, why aren’t you a Mrs?”
Have you been talking to my mother? .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
@_mmmk8
Hey Bobby’s mom… Congrats on the sex.
Louis too.
“Sorry I was in the bathroom for so long, I was taking a poop.”
Entering my next meeting 10 minutes late and leading with this.
Please make this a weekly thing.
“Kid can’t even read…”
I’m so glad this is back
My sister-in-law received a death threat her first year teaching kindergarten.
Please elaborate
I taught high school for a few years right after finishing college and a student set up a fake myspace page on my behalf. Didn’t know about it until some friends of mine stumbled across it, and never figured out who did it.
Married coworker had her 5th grade students sign her up for match.com…
This wins hands down.
when i taught high school a few boys edited tim tebow’s wikipedia to say that he was dating me. (this was at the height of tim tebow’s popularity lol)
We get it, your kids liked you
no, one of them asked me if i was pregnant.
i was definitely not pregnant. 🙁
Did you tell them your name was Phil Kessel, he most definitely may be pregnant
Had to have a conference with my 4th grade student and his parents because he was using a school computer to look up blowjobs. Never a dull day.
That last one hits so close to home though…
My wife had a 2nd grader poop on the floor her first year. So at least that kid went to the bathroom…