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The exhaustion that set in right around Wednesday of last week hit me swiftly, and without warning. I had no defense against it. Five consecutive sub-five hour nights of sleep couple with three separate hangovers had left me in a state of utter confusion and borderline hysterics.
I was tired. Not in the general sense of “boy, I could use a real good night’s sleep.” In the sense of, “If I don’t take a weekend off here in the next couple weeks, I’m a dead man.” Turns out, someone of my age should not spend five hours tailgating for an NFL game.
I swear I am going to take it easy this weekend. There will be no late night Hail Marys to ex-flings, there will be no hazy mornings, there will be no PEDs. I’ll probably have just two or three beers on the golf course and then go furniture shopping.
I’m gonna take it easy this weekend, I swear.
The bartenders around town might start wondering where their favorite regular has gone, as that barstool towards the end of the bar sits empty and cold. Well, guess what? I’m finally finishing season two of Narcos and Priming the shit out of all of Pablo’s sweaters. I can afford a little Amazon spree, it’s fine. I would have spent twice as much out at the bars. I’m saving money because I took it easy this weekend.
Throw the phone towards the other end of the couch. Why? Because I’m taking it easy this weekend. Ignore texts from the bookie. I’m not betting on football this weekend. I will not take Wazzu to cover the spread and hit the over. Gundy isn’t ruining another Saturday for me. I’m gonna take my gambling money and go get a manicure, maybe grab a few Yankee Candles at Target and maybe pick up that walnut cutting board I’ve been eyeing at Williams-Sonoma.
I’m going to wake up before 9 on Saturday morning after getting a solid eight hours and stroll down to Peet’s and grab a cold brew while I catch up on Twitter. I thought I had Michael Moore muted? Who cares, I’ve got 20 ounces of caffeinated freedom in my hand. Man, it feels good to take it easy on the weekend.
I suppose I should work up an appetite with some shopping. Taking it easy on the weekend isn’t exactly strenuous work. I guess I’ll check in with mom. My voice sounds great, I’m not hoarse like I was last Saturday. It pays off to take it easy on the weekend.
Lunch sounds good right now. No fast food for me today, I took it easy last night. Potbelly sounds good. Load up that sammie with veggies and meat. I was good this week, I deserve a treat. VooDoo chips with a Diet Dr. Pepper. Man, that went down without a fight. I can’t believe I’d choose to live any other way. Taking it easy is my path in life.
I’m gonna ignore that “what’s the plan for today” text from my best bud. It’s time to hit a spa, maybe cover my face in mud. It’s a day of relaxation for me. Some retail therapy and maybe a movie later. I hear American Made is good, maybe I’ll see that, but I wouldn’t mind just chilling on the couch the rest of the day to make sure my wallet doesn’t go flat.
Sounds like it’s time for that afternoon movie. I’m gonna draw the shades and fire up Netflix. Put my phone on silent and put on Pulp Fiction. I fell asleep right before the Christopher Walken part. Damnit.
I woke up right as the sun was setting. This day of taking it easy was truly a blessing. Oh no, what’s this? I’ve got 17 texts? Buddy’s in town for the night. Son of a bitch. I guess I’ll run through the shower and go get some cash. He’s already in the Uber coming to swoop my ass.
He’s lining up shots and I’m feeling loose. I have broken my promise to myself. I am huffing down heaters and swiping on Bumble. All I wanted to do this weekend was stay at home, now I’m on a patio with three Parliaments left watching my life crumble.
Oh, shit. Billy is in town and too he’s got some Adderall. This might end up being an okay night, after all. An XR down the hatch and all is well. I might just go ahead and make it out of this hell.
It’s all good, time to go home. I’m gonna have one more cig and then be left alone. Time to sleep, maybe I’ll get six hours.
Now, I’m awake. I have to pee so bad but the bathroom is too far away. I might just pee all over myself. I need a new mattress anyway.
This hangover is now mine to bear. I’m gonna take it easy next weekend, I swear. .
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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the rhyming in this was something to behold.
Next Monday’s column: “I Was Gonna Take It Easy Last Weekend, I Swear”
Pure poetry.
I will not be taking it easy, we’re kid free and have two nights in a hotel to celebrate our wedding anniversary and a bar crawl for a buddy’s birthday. Scaries will hit hard on Sunday.
Did you know you can’t combat the Scaries by purchasing a Sunday Scaries shirt on Manoutfitters.com because Will is smart and increases demand by limiting the supply like Supreme and Yeezy does? Did you know that though? Did you?
Y’all are gonna have a “so totally wicked weekend dude”
I was in Miami all last weekend, and this coming weekend I’ll be at a Nascar tailgate. Send prayers.
The Bookie part hit close to home. The Pac and its west coast games are an absolute mess for my life. I need some MACtion in my life.
That was….That was beautiful!
You lost the moment you said “I’ll just have two or three beers.”
Way too real. If you’re trying to take it easy you go dry or it’s not happening. You may also want to put your phone in airplane mode. But that’s only if you’re serious.
Since this is a Brian column I’ll throw this out there; trying to get a PGP group for happy hour on Thursday in KC. If you wanna join hop over to the sub Reddit and join the KC GroupMe.
Why did you have to bring up my Pokes like that man. Heart (wallet) hasn’t healed since the TCU heartbreaker
Been taking it easy for the past four weeks and may I say, it has been nice. Plus my wallet feels heavier then it used too.