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I am a dog person, there’s no other way to put it. Nothing on this Earth makes me turn into a puddle of mush like seeing a dog, literally any dog, existing in the world. Babies? No. Children? Fuuuuuck no. An elderly person sitting alone on a bench looking sad? Move over, gramps! (Kidding, that last one made my heart hurt a little).
The point is, it doesn’t matter what else is happening in my life. If a dog of any age or breed comes around the corner unexpectantly, I’m going to proclaim that it is “the cutest puppy in the world” and beg its owner to let me rub my face all over its face.
Sure, that’s how I’ve gotten pink eye, mites, and fleas (nah, it was from all the strippers), but it doesn’t matter. I love pups so damn much.
And I sincerely think almost all breeds are fucking adorable. No, I’d never go out of my way to adopt a pug, and I’m not going to pay a $500 pet deposit on a tiny little toy dog. But, I’m never one to deny any good boy or girl a head pat when our paths cross. Just because I think they’re all cute and wonderful and adorable, however, there’s one thing that sets a dog’s cuteness above the rest.
The cone of shame.
You know what I’m talking about. The giant, plastic cone your pet has to wear when he/she get surgery/allergies/can’t stop licking a spot raw like a weirdo. Sure, the moment you put that oversized collar on them, they panic. We know it looks stupid. They know it looks stupid. No one *wants* to bring it out and put it on.
But, and here’s the important but, once the cone is securely in place and your pup gets over the shock of having giant pieces of plastic blocking his/her peripherals, he slowly sinks into a point of dejected acceptance. Eventually, after passive-aggressively sighing for a while, he just accepts his new fate.
And right around then is when shit starts getting cute. I’m not sure if it’s the helpless look they give you when you subject them to such torture. Maybe it’s the fact that they can’t help but bump into anything and everything as their giant cone makes them a menace in your home. Maybe it’s just how cumbersome, awkward, and dorky they are — which are some of the qualities we love about pups in the first place. And if we’re being truly honest, when it’s time to slip that bad boy on, we almost always giggle out of excitement and feel just a little thrill as we humiliate our puts. It’s the same reason parents like making their kids wear dumb outfits or teachers like tormenting the bad student in class by reading his text messages aloud.
It just feels good.
And at this point, whatever it is that makes our eyes gleam mischievously when the Middle Ages-style puppy torture device comes out, the cone of shame has officially become anything but. I’m not saying I get overly excited when my dog is forced to wear one after having yet another food-related allergy attack. But I’m also not not saying that, you know?
So, the next time you see a poor pupper walking along with a cone of shame, I double dog dare you not to pout, crouch down, and ask what is wrong with the poor fella. Actually, make that a triple dog-with-a-cone-of-shame dare. Betcha can’t help yourself..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Was this supposed to be on TSM?