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I don’t know what to tell you guys. I didn’t see this coming any more than you did. But here we are. On the cusp of another weekend. A few hours until one of the biggest battles of your career. We’re in hell right now, ladies and gentleman. Now either we can stay in tonight or we can fight our way back, to public drunkenness.
That was my sad attempt at recreating Al Pacino’s iconic “Peaces By Inches” speech from Any Given Sunday. I know it wasn’t my best work but let’s keep this blog moving.
Right now, it kind of feels like that moment just before ejaculation, doesn’t it? That moment where time stands still and your member is ready to fire on all cylinders. All that pent up frustration from a week that everyone would choose to forget if they could. I don’t know about you but I’ve been hungover since Monday morning. Labor Day Weekend wrecked me spiritually and physically.
I can tell you right now that I literally smell football in the air. Every time I walk outside I’m reminded of it and tonight is going to be one for the ages. Bud Light. Miller Lite. Busch Light. He-Whose-Name-We-No-Longer-Say on this website. Doesn’t matter right now.
I don’t care what light beer you choose to toss down your disgusting throat tonight. But it’s going to be an eight beer kind of a night. Why eight beers, you ask? Well, I put a little beer governor on myself for nights like this.
This governor that I speak of keeps me in check. Makes sure I’m not going 100 in a 75 mile per hour zone if you know what I mean. It’s reserved for nights where I really just start to itch at my desk thinking about drinking alcohol. Do I have a drinking problem? That’s not really for me to say. Let’s let “scientists” and “doctors” pontificate over whether or not I have a drinking problem. All I know for sure is that I like to have a good time and since when did that mean I have a problem?
I can stop whenever I want (or whenever I vomit). Why do you think I gave myself an eight beer limit? That’s because I know where my threshold is. So whether it’s eight beers, three beers, twenty beers, or something in between just promise me that you’ll make it a domestic light beer night.
I don’t know why it’s a domestic beer night. I don’t know why grass is green or the sky is blue. But I know that the only thing that will quench this insatiable thirst inside of me is a metric fuck ton of shitty American beer. Happy Friday. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
I often hear people talking about how much they enjoy getting a buzz off 2 IPAs and I don’t get it. I much prefer the activity of sitting down somewhere and drinking 17 lite beers.
I can’t comprehend how people just stop after 6-8 beers. My big, dumb brain always just says “eh you’re already on your way, keep going”.
“One is too many. 15 is never enough.” I feel you.
Absolutely. If you’re that far along, your morning will more than likely be ass anyway, so with the damage already done, may as well see how close to the sun you can fly!
I call it my “fuck it” drink. Everyone has one. You hit a point that you don’t even care anymore so you’ll keep drinking, no matter how many times you told yourself on the way over to stop after 3 drinks.
Should have titled it “It’s A Domestic Light Beer Night In America” didn’t mean to exclude anyone that’s on me
TRIGGERED
Wait why can’t we talk about Shmichelob Shmultra anymore?
we need answers here man
hell yeah brother light beer n oysters brother – HH -DJCD
In Chicago for the UGA-Notre Dame game and can confirm your take
Agreed Duda. Time to fire things up and send it!
Oh Michelob Ultra, if you would have just thrown anything at Dude this whole column would have been about you.
PGP, are your tech guys going to fix this this down voting exploit? I need to know whether my comment is a hot take or not. My self confidence depends on it.
And… There goes Bill.
Not going to lie, kinda sad my input isn’t deemed worthy of getting the fuck downvoted out of it.
I feel the same way Mr. Incredible.
Has thevaginator created a PGP world where your worth is actually dictated by how many hundreds of downvotes you get?
Say what you want about him, but he done changed the game.
Don’t give him that validation.
Guys, guys, I know it’s a troll! It was just a lame attempt at a joke. But I appreciate your appreciation.
Anybody who has time to downvote to this extent or build/configure a bot to do so is a real piece of work
I cannot imaging the psychology damage that man has.
I still like you Bill.
It’s a troll, Bill. Don’t worry. Your’e still a valuable member. If it’s happening to so many of us, it has to be something else.
Tonight I’m drinking bourbon.
*thumbs up emoji*
Not you too, 19th Hole! You’re too nice for the downvote army!
I just feel numb now
It’s happened to me too. It happens to the best of us. I just take the Sara Lynn from Bojack approach now.
You and me both. and DC, Nived, Centrum, DietDew. Pretty good company all in all
can’t forget Donald