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Apathetic would be the best way to describe anyone who has just inadvertently run into an acquaintance otherwise known as a fringe friend. Enthusiastic is the most accurate description of the person now engaging you in conversation.
You probably met each other at a mutual friend’s birthday party and for whatever reason you really made an impression. From that point on, whenever you’d see them at a social gathering you’d give them a friendly hello, which in turn would open the floodgates for unwanted conversation about God only knows what.
Topics include but are not necessarily limited to: how “things” at work are going, the number of drinks they consumed last Friday night and why you weren’t there with them, and their personal theory on extraterrestrial life.
There’s nothing wrong with this person, per se. They’re nice enough. There’s also nothing that great about them, though. You don’t like them all that much, but you have no real reason why. Maybe you’re just getting a little too old and you’re not in the market for any new friends.
But more than likely they just don’t bring anything to the table. You look for a way to leave any and all interactions with them in the fastest way possible but on this day they have you cornered.
I don’t know where you run into people like the one I’m describing. For me, it usually happens on a hungover Sunday afternoon at the grocery store when the very last thing you want to do is small talk with someone whom you don’t like all that much. It’s happened to me more times than I can count at my local grocer, and each time it happens I curse myself for leaving the friendly confines of my comfortable bedroom.
I’ve seen it happen at bars when one person is clearly occupied with something else, and I’ve seen it happen on the subway where there is literally no escaping the conversation. Wherever it may be, the conversation must be had.
But many people stumble over their sentences and can’t come up with a good excuse as to why they can’t hang out. These types of people always seem to catch you when you’re off guard and you have no choice but to agree to a rendezvous with them.
Getting away from a person like this doesn’t have to be hard because you’re reading an article from one of the best liars out there. No longer do you have to worry about coming up with a good excuse because I’ve got my top three right here for you.
“My parents are coming into town this weekend.”
This is a sure fire way to get someone off of your back about hanging out with them. I’m going to go so far as to say this is my number one excuse when I get asked to grab drinks with some bro I only faintly know who really wants to hang out.
I don’t care who your parents are or how much they love seeing your buddies, there’s no way in hell your friends are going to intrude on family time if they know you only get to see your mom and dad once every few months.
This fringe friend will be beside himself with apologetic grief when you pull this excuse out of your back pocket. They’ll never see it coming. Any Instagram photos you take with your real friends during this fictional parents weekend should be captioned with a throwback hashtag to avoid any suspicion that you are not actually with your parents.
“My sibling/cousin/high school friend is coming into town”
This one is a little risky. It works, just not as well as the previous excuse because it leaves the door open to still having to hang out with the Unchosen One. You’ve shut the door on a surefire hangout, but you haven’t deadbolted it. Tread carefully with this one, because there’s a good chance that this leech is going to say something along the lines of “Oh, nice. Well I’m assuming you guys will be getting fucked up this weekend. I’ll definitely call you still, maybe I’ll just stop by with a case later on in the night and Saturday and we can go from there.”
Stay off of Snapchat maps so they don’t know where you are and blame not texting back on a dead phone.
“No thanks. I don’t want to hang out with you.”
Wouldn’t it be nice, folks? Wouldn’t it be the absolute best if we could use this one? I’m not saying you can’t use this one. It is, after all, the only option which will guarantee that this person never asks you to hang out again. And as much as I’d like to think that I would have the balls to say this to some schmuck who has been badgering me to chill with them, I know in my heart that I never could.
I’m a monster but even I’m drawing the line with this. The bluntness of this is too real. Too mean spirited. If any one of you reading this uses this line please get it on videotape because I would love to see the confusion and despair that takes over the recipient’s face.
Next time you’re in a jam with one of your fringe friends and you’ve got no way out, just remember these three easy phrases. I wish you the best of luck, but in all reality you’re probably going to end up committing to something you didn’t want to commit to in the first place because you won’t be able to think of an excuse in time..
Image via Netflix
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Not knowing enough people to ever turn down a invite to get drinks. PGP
Maybe I’m just too nice, but I’d grab a couple beers with just about anyone. Or maybe I’m just desperate for companionship. Unclear.
Sup?
Not from you.
No thanks.
That’s fair.
It must be desperation for me, since I am certainly not too nice.
“Sounds great!”
Non-committal, puts it on them to reach out again, gives you enough time to come up with better plans instead.
“That sounds like fun, but I think I’m going to go take my clothes off and drink half a bottle of Malbec on my sofa. Thanks though, maybe next time!”
Sounds like heaven
We can split the bottle if you’d like.
Shooters shoot
You seem to be missing the underlying thinking of this thought.
My girlfriend won’t let me go out/ gotta do some stupid shit with her/ hang with her friends, more or less anything involving your girlfriend and her nagging you to do something is always a sure thing
What happens if you are aggressively single?
Can you write one called “top three ways to get people from your high school to stop calling to sell you life insurance” or is that too specific
We all have deals to close.
Or buy into their vacation club pyramid schemes.
The “I don’t want to hang out with you” line is such a Larry David move
Slowly shaped my image over the years as the non-committal guy who rarely checks his phone. Feels like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I never feel bad about icing people’s plans but when I do go out, everyone is excited for their one chance to see ya boi. Supply and demand Duda.
“Ahhh, you know what man? I think I have a full plate for the weekend…working a lot lately. You know how it is…I’ll get in touch with you when I have some time.” Proceed to never get in touch. Works every time.
My face hurts from re-imagining the fake smile I had stretched over my face during a conversation with a fringe friend in line at the grocery store the other day.
As someone who lives far from all family members but close enough that it’s not unreasonable to use, dropping the “family visiting” card is my go-to for avoiding peripheral acquaintances. My close friends are in the loop too, and always circle back with other, actually enjoyable plans once the acquaintance-danger has passed.