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The below email was submitted to me for the weekly Mailbag but it deserves its own column, because pitting animals against each other in hypothetical fights to the death is one of my favorite things to do and it always makes for a lively discussion. We’re talking polar bear versus gorilla today. Cage match. Only one comes out alive.
Dillon,
Slow week at work so I decided to go back and read some of the mailbag posts you have made in the past. I came across the one about you v. a cheetah in an octagon which reminded me of a very heated bar debate my friends and I had recently. A little background into this debate: We live in Cincinnati, so Harambe still gets brought up from time to time. This led to gorilla v. polar bear. The conversation was actually 4 against 1 in favor of polar bear. However, the 1 guy on the other side is an asshole so I need some outside perspective on the matter.
Thanks,
Mark
Four to one in favor of the polar bear seems right to me. There’s a similar ratio in favor of the polar bear in the office right now, too. Dan, the Grandex antagonist, thinks the gorilla wins fairly easily. My initial instinct tells me to take the polar bear based on sheer size and never look back, but let’s break this fight down.
The gorilla profile:
Height: 5’6″ – 6’0″
Weight: 350 lbs.
The silverback gorilla is a ground-dwelling herbivore that lives in the forests of central Africa. Gorillas don’t often fight, but when they do, they can be lethal adversaries due to their sharp canine teeth and great strength. When male gorillas fight, it is often to the death. They are stocky with a low center of gravity and have very long arms. I’d like to reiterate that these animals are stronger than a motherfucker. I’ve seen estimates that gorillas are anywhere from six to 25 times stronger than an adult man. They can pretty easily pluck your limbs from your torso and beat you to death with them. Scary!
The polar bear profile:
Height: 8’0″ – 10’0″
Weight: 800 – 1500 lbs.
Whoa, the polar bear is massive — the biggest of all bear species, in fact. They are carnivores that live in the Arctic Circle. They feed mainly on ringed seals and bearded seals, but will also take down a walrus or beluga whale if they’re in the mood for a more hearty meal. They’re proficient swimmers, too. Polar bears are among the most powerful mammals on earth, but what makes them particularly dangerous is their natural propensity to destroy. They are extremely aggressive hunters and defenders of their own kind. I just read that a polar bear can decapitate a human with a single swipe of their paw. They are also the only animals known to actively hunt humans. Terrifying!
One of these animals was born to kill. The most natural thing a polar bear does is kill its prey and eat it, and they are really, really good at it. The western gorilla, on the other hand, eats plants and fruit. They’re vegetarians. This point isn’t so much about the gorilla lacking a protein-laden diet and thus being less physically developed than its opponent. It’s more about these animals being wired differently. The gorilla gets thrown into a ring with a huge white bear and he’s thinking, Oh fuck, I’m about to throw hands with this huge motherfucker. But the polar gets in a ring for a fight to the death and it’s like he’s clocking in for another day at his nine-to-five. It’s just another Tuesday in the Arctic for him. See animal. Kill animal. Eat animal.
The gorilla has the reach factor, which can’t be overlooked. I like him holding his own for a while if this fight goes to the mat. Strong ground game, I’m thinking. And if he’s able to somehow latch onto the bear with his sharp teeth and crushing jaws, the bear could be in a lot of trouble. Agility, too. Gorillas are agile little bastards, whereas a bear is sluggish in relation.
You know what else has deadly teeth and a powerful jaw, though? A polar bear. The gorilla is equally as fucked if his jugular meets the business end of the polar bear. And with its height advantage, being three times as heavy, and being a natural born killer, I don’t think this is much of a contest.
Winner: polar bear..
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
Manbearpig would beat both of them at the same time
Are you serial???
C. None of the above. The true winner would be whatever company decides to air this fight live on PPV.
Discovery Channel would get their hands on this, hype it as the “fight of the century,” for months, only for it to end as a cardboard polar bear vs an inflatable gorilla.
And it would still be a better fight than Mayweather vs. McGregor.
I’m to the point where I wont even watch these Discovery weeks, because I know they will disappoint me somehow.
Polar bear and it’s not. even. close.
Really hope this becomes a recurring column
Agreed. Nothing like a mindless debate to ease you into the week.
It has to come down to claws, teeth, and fighting style. Polar bear kills to live and has the tools. Silverbacks are extremely strong and will likely break some bones, but it does not have the puncture or laceration moves needed for a death match. Polar bear wins, but has CTE.
But the gorilla has the strength to rip polar bears arms off. Hard to puncture when your paw is laying on the ground
I think you are over estimating of the Gorilla on several levels. It could easily rip a human limb from limb. However, I don’t imagine them being able to get close enough, have enough time, nor even enough brute force to tear a limb from a polar bear without the polar bear completely overwhelming the Gorilla. 0/1 credits. Please insert more coins.
Polar bear won’t just sit back though. It will be on it’s hind legs swinging paws. Gorilla may get some body shots, but the polar bear needs one bite to hold while polar bear uses its claws to slice and dice.
I was JUST in a debate with some friends at the bar last weekend about who would win in a fight if it were between a hippo vs. a gorilla. But we started this debate because of Cincinnati’s own Lil’ Sebastian, Fiona. I also live in Cincinnati so like, sup @ Mark? I feel like I need to be part of you lively bar debates
Wow, meant to say your*. I promise that what I lack in spelling I more than make up for in making up facts / opinions and stating them with enough conviction that no one doubts me.
@IWishIWasSober Most recent debate was whether a hot dog can be classified as a sandwich. Had to involve the servers at Holy Grail. Got pretty heated.
You’re insane if you don’t think a hippo would come out on top vs. literally anything.
I once watched a gorilla pick up a tree at the zoo that was bigger around than me and throw it around like I would a baseball bat. Plus the gorilla is a lot smarter than the bear. Gorilla gets it 10 times out of 10
King Kong could take down 100 polar bears, by himself. Gorilla > Polar Bears.
Keep in mind polar bears eat walruses. Don’t get me wrong walruses are lovers not fighters but at the end of the day if you can chase a pissed off 2200 lb creature that A) normally rolls in a squad sized element B) can dive to 300 feet, and C) has tusks the size of West Texas and live to tell the tale you are not gonna have trouble dealing with a gorilla. Hence why I avoid land when the WalrusCycle gangs have their annual conventions.
Polar bears are literally made for murder. Get out of here with that nonsense.
The only way the gorilla beats polar bear is if the gorilla is Harambe reincarnated and the polar bear picked is one portrayed in Coca Cola commercials around Xmas.
Excited this got an entire column. “In my defense, at the time of the argument I thought the polar bears were small bears similar to why Eskimos are small people.” -Asshole from the email
Polar Bears all day.
Declaw the bear and get the gorilla hyped up on PCP and I would give it even money.