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110 Oak Street, Apartment 11B
7:35 p.m.
The sound of the newspaper slapping their granite countertop had essentially become an alarm clock letting Caroline know that John was home from work.
“Why do you insist on getting a physical newspaper every day?” she asked while paging through Real Simple on their couch. “Do you even read them, honestly?”
John picked it up from the counter and unfolded it while walking over to the couch where she sat. He plopped down on the couch, almost as if to intentionally inconvenience her with the might and force he used.
“You know,” he began with a cocky tone, “As long as work pays for ’em, I’m going to keep getting ’em.”
She rolled her eyes.
“And,” he continued, “From all the appearances they’ve made with your coffee in your Instagram stories, I don’t think you actually want them canceled.” He slapped her on the knee with the newspaper and sprung up from the seat he’d just taken. “Now what’s on the docket for dinner?”
She smiled at him. “I hate you,” she joked while glancing over his dinner question.
As John untucked his button down shirt from his dress pants, he surveyed their living area looking for the remote. “I could do Thai food,” he started while still gazing across the room, “or maybe some sushi,” he continued, “or, I don’t know, we could Postmates some pizza from that new brick oven place on 35th.”
“Pizza” got Caroline’s attention. She picked up her phone while telling him, “Ohhhh, that sounds good – let me see if I have a promo code. Actually, wait, have you talked to Todd today? We could just see if they want to go to the place.”
John grunted and turned the right side of his lip up to show disgust with the idea of meeting another couple out for dinner. “Do we have to?”
“What’s with that look?” she clarified with him. “Does a double date sound that bad to you?”
“I just…” John hesitated, “I just don’t feel like dealing with anything tonight. Going on a *date* just makes it a *thing*, and before we know it, we’re out $120 all because we didn’t feel like having a quiet night at home.”
Caroline shrugged, “Well, fine by me – you can be out $40 once you order us a Napoletana and a Prosciutto Pie.” She mispronounced the words, but John knew exactly what she meant.
“Fiiiiiine,” he labored. “Toss me my phone.”
“You sure you don’t want to just go with them?” she asked one final time. “It could be fun!”
“Babe, it’s not going to be fun,” he explained. “We’re going to get there and one of us is going to be late, thus pissing off the other couple. Next thing we know, we breeze through one bottle of wine and have to order another. Then, we do the same thing and order a third. Next thing we know, we’re waking up tomorrow hungover before work regretting everything.”
“Okaaaaaaaay,” Caroline mocked. “I get it.”
“Besides,” John continued, “I think Todd’s parents get into town tonight – they’re probably meeting up with them.”
Caroline, pretending to be upset they weren’t going on a date, began flipping through Real Simple again but couldn’t help but piece together what John had just said to her. Without looking up – enforcing how little she cared – she quietly brought up something she’d wanted to ask all week.
With an intentionally slow delivery, she asked, “Say, John, Todd isn’t going to… you know… this weekend, is he?”
“The pizzas going to be here in 45 minutes,” he answered.
“Ughhhhhhh, 45 minutes?!”
“If we went out to dinner with them,” he told her while fake looking at his watch, “we wouldn’t eat for another hour and a half.”
“Okay, whatever,” she dismissed. “But what about Todd? Is he proposing this weekend with his parents in town?”
John smiled, but she couldn’t tell why.
“Todd?” he laughed off. “Proposing?”
“He is!” she exclaimed. “Isn’t he?!”
John kept laughing, half-messing with Caroline and half because of what he was about to tell her.
“Caroline, I’m going to tell you this and I want you to take what I say to heart.”
She repositioned herself on the couch and slapped the top of the magazine like a frustrated puppy begging for a treat. “John! Come on!”
He couldn’t wipe the shit-eating grin off his face. “Caroline, no,” he laughed out. “Todd isn’t proposing this weekend.”
“Goddammit, John!” She threw the magazine onto the coffee table. “Then why are you smiling like that?!”
Despite feeling bad for misleading her with his initial reaction, John couldn’t help but smile at what was unfolding in front of him.
“You know she’s literally going to fucking kill him if he doesn’t propose soon, right?” she asked. “Like, she might actually kill him.”
“I know, I know,” John confirmed. “Trust me, I’ve told him all of this. Todd’s not an idiot. He knows.”
Caroline put her hand in the air, palm up, as if to ask, “So why the fuck hasn’t he done it yet?”
John looked down at his phone. “Frank accepted our order, I’ll text him to see if he can get it here in 44 minutes instead of 45 for you.”
She squinted at him playfully, knowing that John knew exactly what he was doing by messing with her. “Seriously, John, just tell me. Does Todd talk to you about this stuff?”
He walked back over to the couch and set his phone on top of the Real Simple she’d just thrown. Kicking his feet up onto the coffee table and putting his hand on her thigh, he was intentionally drawing out the conversation despite having no real knowledge of when Todd was actually planning on doing it.
“Babe, you know I’ll tell you anything,” he stated, “But I have absolutely no fucking clue when Todd’s going to propose to her.”
Her head tilted back in frustration while letting a groan.
“How? How is this even possible that you just don’t know? Has he talked about it?”
“Yes,” John told her. “Of course, he’s talked about it.”
“Then how can you just not know?”
“I don’t know, Caroline, he plays his cards close.”
She again repositioned herself, preparing to say something with more intent than the rest of the conversation had. “John,” she began to lecture, “You need to talk to him. I’m serious. The last thing we need right now for this relationship to erupt and leave both of them single.”
Excitement wiped over John’s face. “Ohhhhh,” he busted out, “but Single Todd is the best Todd!”
“Seriously, John,” she said while standing from the couch, “that’s not even funny.”
“I know, I know,” he repeated.
“But I’m serious. If you don’t talk to him, I will. They’ve been dating for, like, two years and I’m pretty sure she’s expecting it at every turn.”
“Ya think?” John mocked, knowing that she’s been expecting a ring since the second they matched on Hinge, or whatever dating app they conveniently met on.
“Okay,” he told her. “I’ll talk to him and see where his head’s at. Okay?”
“Okay,” she responded approvingly. “But I want to know every bit of information you get out of him. Are you texting him now?”
John looked up from his phone with the same smile on his face.
“Nope, texting with Frank – said he’d be here in 43 minutes. The things I do for you.” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
John, who is a spectacular guy – very polished, can’t even sit down and relax after work and enjoy a dinner without getting bombarded with proposal questions from the very annoying Caroline. Reminds me of how #FraudNewsCNN claimed that my political dinner arranged for top 20 leaders in Germany somehow looks sinister. There was no collusion! The Fake News Media is becoming more and more dishonest! At some point they will be forced to discuss our great jobs numbers, strong economy, success with ISIS, the border & so much more!…Now Caroline claims that Girl may leave or kill Todd if she does not receive the ring she thinks she deserves! Her threats are as empty as the Senate Republican hold outs on the healthcare bill. Or all the crazy celebrities that all said they would move to Canada if I was elected. – LIES! They all come around eventually.
John actually stands up for himself, while low energy Todd crumples at the first sign of conflict.
I just got paid $6784 working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $9k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do <>
Go this web and start your work.. Good luck…
These comments are so well done!
I know
That’s the real Donald Trump of course they are well done
I’m wondering if the decision to skip the oxford comma after “border” was a typo or a subtle sign of RDT’s increasingly sophisticated writing abilities.
John’s the type of guy who can shoot in the mid 70s on Saturday morning, go to the pool all afternoon without getting sunburnt and then hang at the bars all night. Living legend.
At the end of the day, that’s all any of us want to be.
Johns character seems to be loosely based off of vacation Will.
Sounds a lot like Dylan now that he’s In The Cut
I want to hate John, but mostly I just want his blessed life.
John is the only male role model in this series.
Saying “single Todd is the best Todd” is the embodiment of this
He knows something we don’t know
Todd’s dad
Role model is a subjective term.
Motion to just have a John and Caroline series.
Do we call it “Things Girl Should Have Done After Graduation”?
Second
For real though, this was a nice change of pace.
Second.
Second
Third
It was refreshing to read of a slightly more normal couple this week. Girl’s mannerisms make my head explode every Wednesday.
I’m honestly just impressed that they were able to dance around saying Girl’s name without it sounding so obvious. The finale of this series (hopefully never) has to be the reveal of Girl’s name.
The proposal should tell us.
Not necessarily. Midfight proposal? It would even mean denying her a nice one
its Ashley
Would love to hear the occasional perspective from everyone in the group. Adds so much more depth and gives us a break from wanting to just straight up murder girl.
John getting the paper delivered means he’s officially the best character. Also, he actually puts his foot down! Todd should take notes.
I don’t know why Caroline is in such a rush for this proposal… She should know Girl is going to be the Bridezilla from Hell
for the grams
She’s probably also tired of Girl bitching about it to her…and also bc weddings..
some people just want to watch the world burn
Please give us single Todd for a while
He gave us “on a break” Todd, which is honestly what we would get from single Todd. First few weeks he’d turn down the opportunities because he missed the protagonist. Then we’d get a bunch of the same shit. Him going on dates, him striking out at the bars, him doing guys weekends where the guys end up texting their wives, him going to NOLA only to black out and drunkenly text the protagonist. As much as we want it, it’s the idea of it that’s better than the actual thing. Plus we already have a dysfunctional male equivalent that, once he settles down some, will just become what single Todd will be like, but more entertaining.
*until single Todd bumps into recently single Claire at the Derby next year
The Claire ship has sailed. Let it go man
Skipped the article and went straight to the comments. Can’t wait to see what @realDonaldTrump has to say about all this “collusion”
Update: He did not disappoint
Good – don’t want other things giving you the satisfaction TGDAG never does.
Whoa Will being the saltiest today
This was actually a very nice change. Thank you.
Hahaha the record I willingly (and excitingly) come here each Wednesday to be hateful and agitated. I’m just saying Taylor throws her protagonist under the bus and that provides satisfaction.
“And,” he continued, “From all the appearances they’ve made with your coffee in your Instagram stories, I don’t think you actually want them canceled.”
ABSOLUTELY FLAMED HER
priceless