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Men haven’t traditionally worn perfume. Or, you know, “cologne” as we’ve mansplained it since it gained popularity. But then something phenomenal happened in 1994, and no, I’m not talking about Seal releasing his critically-acclaimed self-titled album, “Seal.”
The term “metrosexual” entered the world by way of a column written in The Independent.
I know, I know, it’s been a while since that beautiful compound word has graced your ears. Prior to the metrosexual trend of the 90s, men were shamed for using lotions or gelling their hair. The term refers to any man who “especially meticulous about his grooming and appearance, typically spending a significant amount of time and money on shopping as part of this.” Yeah, we can probably attribute all of this to Patrick Bateman. But he also murdered people for sport and squandered his relationship with Reese Witherspoon, so I’ll just attribute it to yuppie culture in general.
Adopting traditionally female trends has never been something I’m averse to. Is it a crime for me to want to smell like limes of the Amalfi Coast? Should I be victimized because I want to emphasize my cowlick with some organic pomade? Should I delete my internet history every time I visit Goop? No, and neither should you.
Every Memorial Day, the world is blessed with one of the Wonders of The World. Pale creatures emerge from their apartments sporting the one article of clothing that screams, “Yes, it is summer.” They aren’t a trend like cutoff jean shorts or palazzo pants. No. They’re a staple from generations before us. White pants.
Traditionally a staple in the feminine wardrobe, men have drooled over them on patios spanning the globe while women have done everything in their power to keep red wine stains off of them. And now, we live in a world where white pants have no boundaries. Where white pants can adorn the hairy legs of men. Where white pants know no gender.
“But Frasier Crane wore white shorts in the third episode of Season 11,” you say. And you’re right. But in these instances, white shorts were reserved for the squash court, casual doubles matches at the country club, or Wimbledon. Wearing white shorts outside of the confines of these accepted habitats was simply taboo, if not completely outrageous.
People would look from afar and point. “Why’s that self-respecting dude wearing white below the waist?” they’d ask. But we don’t live in those despicable times anymore. We live in a world of unisex fashion where you’re not sure if Jaden Smith is wearing a huge t-shirt or an actual dress, and that’s okay.
I, a 30-year-old man in mediocre shape (at best), purchased my first pair of white jeans on the 10th day of June in the year 2017 at J. Crew*. Emerging from a dressing room where I had a pile of cashmere-cotton sweaters, I sought out a pair of pants to try them on with. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted them. A beacon of light in an otherwise dark-washed world. “These may be too small,” I thought as I lifted them from the table. “But let’s give them a shot.”
Snug. Tailored. Clean. Crisp. Refreshing. Perfection.
Up until that moment, I lived in a world – nay, a mindset – where a man wasn’t allowed to put on a pair of white jeans without being ostracized. But as I slid my meaty thighs into that pair of 33x30s, it was like watching ——- for the first time. My world would simply never be the same.
I wondered how I’d be accepted. Yes, of course, Dickie Greenleaf could pull them off. But his father was a rich American businessman who allowed him to summer and sail all through Italy. Would I, a modest Michigander, be lumped in the same category? I wasn’t sure if I was ready to find out.
I was initially asked, “Why do you own white jeans?” I was called a “commercial painter.” I was told that it wasn’t the summer of white jeans even though I was positive that it was.
But then the tides turned.
People began embracing them.
I became – dare I say – a hero.
And I had the attitude that came with it. Cocky. Arrogant. Bold. Indian food in white jeans? More tikka masala, please. Croquet on freshly mowed grass? I was reading my shots from the push-up position. Coupling it with a white linen shirt? That porch had never looked so goddamn bright.
I’m not an influencer. That’s what people with 30,000+ Instagram followers call themselves. I’m just a boy, standing in a pair of white pants, asking the world to love me. And I must say, it’s working. .
*I’m not getting paid to tell you this, but you can buy this same pair online for 30% off using the promo code YESPLEASE. “Yes, please,” indeed.
Image via YouTube
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
I don’t shit myself often but if I wore white pants I’m sure I would that day.
How often is not often?
A man who enjoys Mexican cuisine as I do is going to lose the occasional game of “Do I trust this fart?” Just life, man.
You truly are Mr. Incredible
1) I never know what to do with the second pant leg
2) Denim and oceans mix like oil and water
3) I still like to hold on to the illusion that jeans are used for manual labor at least some of the time
You’re my favorite account on this whole website.
Ah, you think white pants are your ally? You merely adopted the pants. I was born in them, molded by them. I didn’t see the colored pants until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but bland.
-dairy farmers in their show outfits.
Nice
Nice. But Angus all the way
Don’t get me wrong the Angus breed is solid, but when it comes to beef cattle I’m a big fan of cross breeding to maximize heterosis. Angus cows crossed with a nice Simmental or Maine-Anjou bull will produce some outstanding offspring that should combine excellent growth and quality cuts of beef.
Fashion advice from a beta male? Hard pass.
Two comments about me being a “beta” from you today and it’s not even lunch. Huge commenting day from you.
Well originality isn’t everyone’s strong suit.
Just characterizing by the basis of the majority of his articles. His character or lack thereof is also what gives us TGDAG and CoT, which may not be enough for me to truly like deFries, but it is enough to tolerate him. #youdoyoudeFries
Better watch what you say, Willy. That’s the OkayestAccountant you’re talking to.
V Alpha response, Will.
thx
Alpha’s don’t say “thank you”, Will.
Wearing normal colored clothing
Since white is technically all colors combined, it is in reality to most normal colored. Science.
You mixed up black and white.
According to my google search: “The sum of all colors of light add up to white. This is additive color theory.” I don’t know exactly what that is but I’m gonna roll with it.
You’re confusing light with color palette. If you mix all colors while painting, you will get black. If you mix all light, you get white colored light.
Nerd!
Your first comment you claimed to know science…
Honestly read about half of this and gave us. Too hot in the south to wear pants anyway. There’s nothing attractive about wearing pants and sweating to death no matter what color they are.
I have pictures of my grandpa dating back to 1964 that would argue that white pants never went out of style. White pants, red Hawaiian, all class.
Usually I’m a fan of being bold but white pants on guys is a bad look
White golf pants to the office has been a go-to for summer months for several years. Seersucker paired with a golf polo for extra hot days does wonders, plus it allows for wearing white bucs, which is truly the only shoe for seersucker.
White pants have been a summer staple for years, never knew there was anything wrong with it. Guess I’m just trendy. Or I wear uncool things until they’re cool again, who knows.