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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Dillon,
Need your impeccable wisdom, man. I’m at a bit of a crossroads in life right now. To make it as short as possible, I just graduated in May and I have an internship which lasts until August, and after August I have no idea what to do with my life. The most pressing reason being I just broke up with girlfriend of a little over a year. She just got a great job in a city about 9.5 hrs away from where I live, but we had been doing a long distance relationship for the entire time we were dating, and had planned on moving to the same city after I graduated. 9.5 hrs is just not realistic, and the relationship had been kinda rocky for a few months now. If I found a job in the same city as her we might get back together and would likely be happy, but I don’t want to take a job in her city unless I find a great opportunity which is probably not that likely, and she has told me the city she’s moving to kinda sucks. She is an amazing woman, though, and I still really want to be with her. That being said, I have lived in Nebraska for my whole life (23 years), never traveled, never done anything that cool. I also have always wanted to live in Colorado to be close to mountains, skiing, all that shit. So pretty much my question is…if you were in my shoes, would you try to find a job close to the woman of your dreams and hope things work out with her, say fuck it and save up some money for a couple months and just travel around Europe or somewhere by yourself for a month or 2, or just pick a city like Denver, FoCo, Boulder, and try to find a job you might enjoy out there. Any insight you can give me would be really appreciated, dude.
Sincerely,
Confused AF
Do people really call Fort Collins “FoCo”? I now hate Fort Collins and I previously felt totally indifferent about it. “SoLa” is a name given to my new neighborhood since it’s on South Lamar Blvd., but I’ve yet to hear someone use it in real life. I’ll hate whoever does, though.
First of all, this girl is not the “woman of your dreams” or you wouldn’t be asking me all this. You don’t consider options B and C if option A is being with the “woman of your dreams.” You’re 23, man. You have so many girls to meet in your life still. I’m not saying she’s not awesome — I’m sure she is — but the simple fact that you’re considering living far away from her by choice means you can potentially foresee life without her by your side. Very telling.
Move to Denver. Move. To. Denver. A trip to Europe would be sick (your option B) but then it’s over and you’re poor and back at square one once you return. Go be independent in an awesome city where you can find a good job and go skiing and hit the bars and do outdoorsy shit and fire up the Bumble machine. Fuck that sounds awesome.
You have GOT to get out of Nebraska.
Dill Pickles,
How old is too old to go on a “family” vacation? I’m married. Been off the family payroll for 8 years now. My mom is headed to Hawaii for Christmas though. Is it weird if the wife and I go? Are we too old to bum off our parents for vacations?
Gracias Senor
Never. Never. NEVER.
You are never too old to let your folks pick up the tab on a lavish vacay. If they’re offering, you’re going. It’s just dinner on a bigger scale. You let your old man grab the check after dinner, don’t you? Parents love spoiling their kids, so as long as they have the means to do so, let them. There is no shame in it whatsoever. You’re going to Hawaii for Christmas.
Hey Dillon,
Long-time reader, first-time emailer. I have been dating seriously *the* most awesome guy for about 4 years now. His mom passed away when he was very young (like kindergarten young). Since then, dad has remarried and all is well. Obviously, I never met his mom, but just based on how great I think her son is, she must have been really wonderful. We’ve talked about getting engaged, but I know for certain he hasn’t bought a ring yet. I’ve wanted the same ring (cut, setting, band material, etc.) for as long as I can remember. Maybe I’m superficial, but I’ve dreamed about this ring. It’s THE ring. The amount of pins I have of it on Pinterest is embarrassing.
Well, he recently told me that he is strongly considering proposing with his mom’s engagement ring. He would get it re-set to make it more modern (read: not 70s/80s), but the diamond is basically the last shape I would want. And if we’re being honest, I’ve been pretty vocal in the past with my girlfriends about my feelings about this particular diamond cut. Of course, this was before I knew about mom’s ring. He does well at his job, and has said that money isn’t an issue when it comes to the ring, so it’s not a question of budget. For him, it’s the sentimental value.
So, my question is, how big of an asshole am I if make it clear that that’s not the ring I want? I feel it would be different if I had met his mom at any point, but I didn’t. She passed away 20+ years before I ever even met my boyfriend. This is something I will wear every day for the rest of my life, and I want to love it — I don’t want to have to learn to love it. I started to gently share my feelings at one point with him, but he shut the conversation down pretty quickly. Am I a terrible person?
– Ringless and Clueless
This is a tough one. Full disclosure: I’m typically of the school of thought that women make way too big a deal about engagement rings than they should. I understand you start mentally designing these things at an early age and your expectations are sky high, but it’s a symbolic offering from someone who plans to commit their life to you, and it sets them back THOUSANDS of dollars. That’s heavy shit. Maybe put things into perspective before complaining that your 1.2 carat princess cut isn’t 1.5, or that your band isn’t also lined with stones, or that it’s missing any of the other unreasonable features you’ve been hoping for since you were 12.
I’m going to side with you here, though. This isn’t some poor schmuck scraping up the last of his life savings just to drop to a knee with a respectable ring. This thing sounds outdated and unattractive. At least that’s how I see it in my head. And, like you said, this thing stays with you for life. I don’t know the best way to broach the subject, but you should consider letting him know how you feel again. Do it delicately, of course.
Try this. Maybe propose to him possibly repurposing the stone from his mom’s ring and turning it into an alternate piece of jewelry that you’ll wear forever and appreciate just as much. Like as part of a pendant that hangs from a necklace. Use some corny line about how it would be closer to your heart or some other cringeworthy shit like that.
Hey Dillon, how’s it going? I’m reaching out to the mailbag because dating is killing me and I need some outside advice. Background: I’m 23, a working registered nurse, have my own apartment, and pretty much have my shit together as much as a 23 year old can. I get a decent amount of attention from guys but it never lasts. I usually let the guys take the lead for the most part, but I do text first here and there and I’ll snag the check while they’re in the bathroom a few dates in. I also like to wait at least a few weeks before sleeping with them because I just don’t like to rush myself. For some reason, out of nowhere, I’m always getting ghosted. Or i’ll get a “you’re so great but this is bad timing” text a few days after an awesome date. I understand this happens a lot and to everyone, but its really starting to get to me. I’ve never been in a serious relationship or in love and I haven’t held onto a man for more than like 3 months since I graduated high school. I’ve always been more focused on work/school I guess and I do fine on my own… I genuinely enjoy my own company. I like spending time with someone I’m dating but I also do my own thing so I am absolutely certain that I am not clingy. But now that I’m graduated and everyone I know is married, or about to get married, the loneliness is starting to settle in. It would just be nice to have someone I guess. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I want to fix it. Can you give me any clarity? TIA.
You’re 23 and all your friends are either married or getting married?! Fuck. Either your friends are all older than you or your friends are getting married way too early. This is the time for figuring shit out and having fun and making mistakes and traveling and being independent. Not for filing documents in court that say you’re about to live with the same person forever.
Someone much older and wiser once told me this: “Don’t have sex until you’re 18. Don’t get married until you’re 28. And don’t have kids until you’re 30.” I think that’s a solid set of benchmarks for life’s significant milestones. Okay sorry I know this isn’t what you asked me about.
I think you should try to embrace this awesome stage of your life a little more and stop fretting over getting locked down with someone.
Also, 23-year-old guys (assuming you date around your age) don’t care too much that your “shit is together.” They just don’t. They want someone they can have fun with and have drinks and sex with and who gets along with his friends. He doesn’t care that you make 55k and live in a one-bedroom and know your way around your local grocery store.
He shouldn’t want to get serious yet, and, frankly, neither should you..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
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RogerJDorn
I think this was your best mailbag yet Dorn. Starting to become my favorite column on PGP.
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You need to call me ASAP.
Ringless and Clueless you’re about to be Fianceless if you are that superficial.
I disagree. The idea of an engagement watch for guys has been discussed on here and I know if I was given a 1982 Seiko as opposed to a new **insert whatever brand here** that I had a hand in picking out, I’d much rather get what I wanted, price be damned. In my mind there’s nothing wrong incorporating mom’s diamond into another piece of jewelry if price isn’t a determining factor for this couple.
Gotta agree. And imagine having to wear that Seiko watch literally every day for the rest of your life. And any time you don’t, you’re hurting someone’s feelings or making a bold statement about your marriage. Go with suggesting the other jewelry/necklace option some other commenters have mentioned.
It’s the every day thing that is the determining factor. It’s not like “these were my mom’s favorite earrings” that you can wear a few times a year and stick in a drawer the other 362 days.
Agreed. Putting it simply, it’s likely the most important big purchase of your life. Get something she actually likes.
hey now…. I like my Seiko
A little harsh, but possibly the way he’ll (fiance to be) will feel too. I agree with Dillon on this one though. Tough call, but this is something that should symbolize THIS relationship, not someone else’s — even though that relationship does have significance.
Engagement ring girl- here’s my idea: I assume your boyfriend is thinking of this diamond as a family heirloom, which means he’ll eventually want to pass it onto his daughter or daughter-in-law. That’s harder to do if you’re going to wear it on your finger until you kick the bucket. Go with the necklace idea and tell him it’s so that you can pass it onto his daughter/daughter-in-law on her future wedding day. If the diamond is in your engagement ring, that doesn’t really work. But, that idea does work for something more shareable, like a necklace. If he’s as great as you say he is, he’ll get the picture and appreciate that you put some thought into a good alternative.
Yeah, if you have a woman that won’t say yes or has a fit because you don’t get the perfect ring or spend a certain amount of it then she sucks. But I see nothing wrong with the woman wanting certain things and the man being more than willing to put in the effort and money to give the love of his life what she wants.
My wife got my grandfather’s wedding ring from my dad, and incorporated it into my wedding ring, and if you think the waterworks don’t start up every time I tell this story, you’re bananas. Sentimental value means a lot for guys, too. Her inability to realize and acknowledge that makes me mad.
Do people really wear their engagement rings constantly? I thought after awhile they switch over to just wearing their wedding bands cause you don’t have to worry
Not even mentioning money, after the stress I went through picking out her perfect ring, she better wear it 24/7/365 (except when swimming in the ocean)
Yes we wear them constantly. Had mine soldered together because the wedding band was always flipping upside down.
As an unmarried guy, I was under the impression that was how it worked too. You switch at some point from engagement ring to wedding band. Maybe this guy thinks the same thing, that she’ll only wear it for a few months to a year and then never again.
apparently everyone disagrees…
Relax on getting married so young, people. Divorce rate for those under 25 are double that over 25 at 60%. Most people don’t know what the hell they want at 23, and as much as you think you do, you probably don’t. Also, don’t let your friend’s decisions influence your own. That’s how peer pressure works and D.A.R.E. taught me to say no to peer pressure.
Why do people still live in fucking Nebraska? Better question: Why haven’t we closed off the whole state of Nebraska via a large electric fence and placed everyone that sucks within the confines and the filmed the happenings via drones and put in Pay Per View and then have the proceeds go toward paying down the student debt epidemic? Why is no one else thinking like this? What the fuck, this is getting stressful over here, guys
Calm down, sir
I’ve been telling him to for a while now. He just won’t do it.
Unpopular opinion but fuck the down votes: I was a military brat, lived in 3 countries and 5 states before graduating high school. I’ve seen a lot of the world since graduating college and I still love living in Nebraska. Go Big Red.
Go Big Red
Still convinced everyone who hates on Nebraska has still never set foot in the great Cornhusker State, especially Lincoln or Omaha, great cities for recent grads and young adults. Sure, the rest of the state may not be the best for singles but that’s not what it’s meant to be.
But he has never lived elsewhere. That’s my main point.
Fair point, I don’t disagree with seeing new places. Just nobody giving us a chance.
Gotta say this sounds like a solid plan. Run for office on this platform and you’ve got my vote Devin.
Thanks, man. Think about it. It would disrupt the private prison profit system, we wouldn’t have to pay out of our taxes to feed, house, and educate these people because they’d just be trying to survive outside, there would be considerable entertainment value for every bored person sitting in an office for the rest of their lives, Twitter and Facebook could expand their 24hr live streaming initiatives, the student debt crisis would be paid down once ROI is reached, that money then gets fed back into the economy. It’s philanthropy via misanthropy
You literally just described the plot of The Hunger Games
I’ve actually never seen the movie or read the book but now I kinda wanna look into it
Also if you’re going to turn a wasteland for a profit try Iowa. That place blows.
So you can have your organic beef and whatever other shit you eat.
Don’t you live in Boston? Kind of the pot calling the kettle black, don’t you think?
Dangerous territory- they did that in Oklahoma already
This is quickly becoming one of the best columns on PGP. Keep up the good work Dillon
I’m glad you guys are enjoying it. I shall continue.
Yeah you will you ignorant slut
I’m 35 and my parents brought me and my family to Hawaii this year. No shame to be had. Made them happy. Made me happy. Everyone wins. Here come the down votes…
Just an idea for the engagement ring email:
Repurpose the diamond and make the actual ring altered to be his band
23 year old nurse: My advice is to go for older guys. Typically 23 year old guys fresh out of college aren’t looking to settle down. Most are just looking to have fun and hook up, kind of a continuation of college life. The 26-30 year old guys is the demographic you should be going for. They are more established in their career and more than likely over the party scene.
As a guy in the range you just described, with friends in that range and in the younger range, this is correct. 25 and under are still fucking around. Over 26 and you start getting too old for that shit.
engagement ring girl – the cringy/corny excuse I’d use would be to tell him while you think its very thoughtful of him to want to use his mom’s ring, but you’d feel wrong making it your own because it was originally a symbol of his parents love/marriage. Just explain that you want a new ring that’s never belonged to anyone before because it’s important to you to have your own unique symbol of your union with him.
I must be the only person that thinks loving in the grain belt doesn’t suck.
*Living.
Sadly the loving part has been lacking lately. PGP.
add me to the list
For the people the that like it, more power to yah. For me though, I’ve never been happy there and even going back for short visits gives me anxiety. If I didn’t have a ton of family there I’d never go back.