======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Once you’re followed these instructions and your body is ready to be shown to the world, check out the new RG collection of Hawaiians, trunks, shirts, and hats.
It’s easy to fall into a hole. One second, you’re in shambles at brunch because you realize it’s Labor Day and summer’s officially over. The next thing you know, you’re pulling swimsuits and visors out of your closet to hit the lake for Memorial Day only to realize you spent the entire winter slugging down beers and lethargically eating an entire pizza every Sunday.
Fear not, though. Sure, there are no quick fixes in life. I’m not here to tell you how to get a six-pack or encourage you to cut out carbs. Club sandwiches are simply too delicious for that nonsense. I’m here to maximize what you’re currently working with while also allowing you to be your sloppiest self.
I get it — you want to be sitting at the pool in late spring early summer rocking a completely unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt with sea creatures all over it (see: The Baja Sur Shirt). Or maybe you purchased some new trunks that you convinced yourself you’d fit into after running ten miles a week at the gym, only to realize you’re already behind the 8-ball and your waistline is only getting wider. I’m in that boat with the Mezcalitos I just bought, but that’s neither here nor there.
This, friends, is how to get your body summer-ready without having to lift a fucking finger.
Stay as dehydrated as possible.
While hungover, your body goes through two phases: dehydrated, and then puffy. To cure said hangover, you often have to hydrate which, in return, makes you puffy. At this point, you need to accept that you’re going to be hungover for the entirety of the summer, but that went without saying. Unfortunately, you can’t combat that hangover with Pedialyte and Gatorade because you needed to look like you’re borderline passing out at all times. You know how skinny you feel when you wake up in the morning and haven’t put anything of substance into your body? Welcome to summer, baby.
Oh, and if you need to score an Adderall of your buddy so you can skip dinner on Fridays and Saturdays, send that sketchy text to your friend who’s plowing through law school or studying for the GRE. I know a guy who lost eight pounds on that program one summer, and he’s definitely not the guy writing this column*.
ABY: Always Be Yachting.
Step 1 of Yachting: Make sure to use “yacht” as a verb because 1. It makes people think you’re not on a pontoon boat, and 2. It sounds luxurious.
Step 2 of Yachting: Put everyone’s phones in a plastic bag in a safe place on the boat.
And what happens when everyone’s phones are neatly tucked away? No one can post an unsightly photo of you from a bad angle that reveals your worst sides. If you look presentable on social media, you’ve pretty much already got it made. How many people do you actually interact with on a regular basis? Like, six? Seven? If you’ve slowly put on some winter poundage, chances are they haven’t even realized. It’s like watching a puppy grow up – you don’t realize they’re full-grown until they’re too big to sit on your lap but you just didn’t notice because you see them every damn day. But in this case, it’s with your stomach that took down somewhere between a thousand and a million microbrews during the colder months.
Minimal buttons.
The less buttons you have done on your linen shirt, the better. I’m not saying leave it completely unbuttoned like Conor McGregor. I’m talking more in the vein of Leo in Wolf of Wall Street. If people can see your waistline, you’re already losing.
With just a few bottom deckers buttoned, you create a loose oversized look that leaves your body in no man’s land. And no man’s land is exactly where you want to be when you’re overweight. When you buy a shirt one size too large and start leaving it undone, you’re leaving everything to the imagination. Looking a little big in that group shot? Must’ve been a gust of wind billowing your shirt out. Win-win.
Retro-inspired swimsuits only.
I shouldn’t even have to say this for about a million other reasons, but sprint into your walk-in closet, open your drawer that contains your swimsuit collection, and throw away all your board shorts. Board shorts are public enemy number one of beer bellies, causing more spillage than a rogue wave hitting your Tiara that’s filled to capacity with friends and cocktails alike. Or mocktails, if that’s more your thing.
You need to replace every banded swimsuit with elastic waistbands and/or tailored waistlines. I’m talking Dickie-from-Talented–Mr.–Ripley-type stuff. There’s no give when it comes to the band on a pair of board shorts so the second you take down a few pops, you’re all of the sudden just spilling over the velcro and rope holding your body in. Meanwhile, the long inseam on a pair of board shorts makes your legs look stubby and small. The shorter the inseam, the longer (and leaner) you appear.
Tanning oil, tanning oil, tanning oil, tanning oil.
Sometimes I spritz a little tanning oil onto myself before hitting the office just so people think I just came back from vacation. It mixes well with my theory that running my oil-covered hand through my hair promotes adding a little blonde, thus creating the sun-kissed Zack Morris look the ladies lust for, but that theory remains unproven.
Like they always say: a little Banana Boat goes a long way. But like I always say: douse yourself in so much Banana Boat that innocent onlookers are blinded by the sun’s reflection on your chest. If they have to shield their eyes while in casual conversation with you, there’s no way they’ll be able to see the increasing amount of stretch marks you developed by completely letting yourself go during last football season.
As always — if you can’t tone it, tan it.
The best pick-up line is bronzed skin that smells like coconuts. Just ask Captain Ron. .
*It was the guy writing this column.
Image via YouTube
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Cocaine, Will. Cocaine is very slimming. This summer I will only be responding to the name “Young Yachty”.
via GIPHY
You missed the most important step: Switch to Michelob Ultra. It gives you that “Athletic” vibe without doing anything more than 12oz curls.
I’ll let Duda handle that.
Usually I enjoy a nice dessert after dinner, like key lime pie. However, now that summer is here I’ve realized that’s extra calories. I just cut out dinner and eat the pie now.
Just saw a study that said 74% of women prefer the “dad bod” look because it makes them feel safe and less intimated. Any comments on this ladies?
Also, I’m sorry but abs or a toned back are no competition for a slightly out of shape guy peacocking around the pool in dangerously short trunks while sipping a drink with enough sugar in it to kill a diabetic
I like a guy who works out but just enough to where you’re not sure if he skipped this week at the gym to party at the pool with the boys or not.
It’s the “I care about myself and probably do laundry on a regular basis, but I’m also a good ass time” look.
I’ve strived to be “looks like he works out but also parties” guy for my entire postgrad life. This is good news.
Sup?
Oh my god it finally happened.
Sup?
Lol’ing
Pretty sure your life just peaked. You should just stop trying from now on.
I’m really pulling for you two, this looks like a match made in heaven.
Check out the PGPColumbus Reddit thread
When is society going to stop with these unrealistic expectations of men’s bodies?
^ What she said, and to add, if you’re a guy with abs and you talk about how many calories my beer has, you have no chance of keeping my attention
Guy on my beer league came to the bar and said “he’s allowing himself one glass of wine for his daily calorie intake” and it was the biggest turnoff ever
That’s the gayest thing I’ve read all week.
You should have kicked him out
If it doesn’t have 95 calories and is known as a “superior light beer” then you’ve lost my attention.
Can confirm that “dad bod” is what I would prefer.
I think it really depends on what type of girl you want to attract.
If you want a crazy fit chick who counts her calories and drinks (and probably yours too) then by all means you probably have to get somewhat in shape.
If you want somebody who does their best to make it to the gym but prioritizes fun then you can for sure rock that dad bod.
Or you could just start incorporating cocaine into your cold brew. Increased dehydration plus excess energy in the event you actually want to work out. It’s basically a win-win.
Suddenly my productivity at the office skyrockets, but I’m also increasingly irritable and paranoid that the company is going to realize I’m embezzling money in order to fund my cocaine cold brew habit.
Plant some cocaine and cash in your least favorite coworker’s desk and you should be just fine.
Is “framing a coworker” something that I should include on my resume, or is it better as a, “what did you do at your last job?” Talking point?
I mean, I’d consider it process improvement and/or Kaizen related.
@Jenna Crowley
Mix in a game of spike ball whenever possible. Let your competitive side trick you into forgetting its physical activity.
Spikeball and 12oz. Mich Ultra curls are going to be my sole forms of weekend exercise this summer
Spikeball is the best dang thing since…well I was born.
Go travel alone somewhere. I’m in the middle of my 2 week trip to Japan, and everyone here is skinny as FUCK. Everyone travels by rail, which means walking everywhere. I walked 22km (just under 14 miles) today. Before you say, “Wow that sounds terrible” you can open carry drinks here…nay, it’s socially encouraged to carry open containers here. Walk into a Lawson or 711, fill your pack with tall boys (Ive been sticking mainly to Asahi) these will keep you cool while you walk around and see cool shit, and when you get shit faced you make lots of friends you wouldn’t normally encounter because of a language barrier + social anxiety in a foreign country. I’ve been fucked up a week straight and lost 10lbs, and I’ve been eating bomb ass sushi and yakitori every night until I feel like I’ll die. Japan diet. Seriously.
I relate to the “if you can’t tone it – tan it” take on a spiritual level
Dri-Fit tan with a bit of hair on your chest > bronzed, toned and waxed.
Ladies love the tan V under your neck from those polos. To me, I haven’t golfed enough if it doesn’t look like I have a pale white golf outfit on when I’m naked