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For this episode and every episode of The Bachelor franchise, Touching Base breaks down everything that happened the night before. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the premiere episode.
Well hello there, my fellow degenerates. Did you think you’d heard the last of me? While I have been swamped lately, there is no holiday more sacred to me than the premier of a Bachelor franchise (including my friend’s wedding which I almost ruined this weekend). Despite my recent increase in obligations and decrease in free time, I felt I owed it to you and to myself to recap some of the most glorious and horrifying moments from last night while we all wait in anticipation for Crick’s first Dude’s Breakdown of the season.
Poured myself a giant glass of wine, sat on the couch, flipped to ABC, discovered #TheBachelorette starts at 9. Well, bottoms up anyway.
— Crick Watson MD (@CrickWatsonMD) May 22, 2017
Speak of the devil, he voiced what we were all thinking when we sat down at the usually appointed hour with our wine boxes to partake in the holy ritual of criticizing the limo exits.
"…and don't sleep with all of them."
Wise words from this random old lady. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/feIzapsvuH
— Rosecast Pod (@RosecastES) May 23, 2017
Producers: “QUICK, SOMEONE 86 THE ADORABLE GRANDMAS!” Excuse me, ladies, clearly you have never seen this show. We do NOT encourage celibacy.
Do you think the most awkward part of #TheBachelorette openings are the fake phone calls at your job?
— kc (@krasey89) May 23, 2017
Just in case you were wondering how you get a job as a reality TV writer, the key is to have no concept of reality.
"You will have no reasonable doubt that I'm the man for you." –Josiah with the lawyer humor! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/AoTcZCsFRv
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 23, 2017
I was a fan of Josiah at the beginning of the show. His terrible lawyer humor does not make me want to object. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE???)
I'm going to be very disappointed if this crew doesn't rule out of a limo together tonight #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/Asl0TGsXLb
— Tim Reilly (@LifeOfaReilly) May 23, 2017
This is the kind of innovative thinking we need in this new season, Tim. Would you rather: rompHIM vs. Waboom?
Fred: "Rachel, I found you in my yearbook."
Us: #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/jGicQyo6RJ— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) May 23, 2017
“Yes hi hello, ma’am. Do you remember when you were in a supervisory position over my safety and well-being before I went through puberty? Great, wanna bang?”
Adam Jr is what you get when you ask the Interns to make a prop for you. #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/Tbn6aJje1V
— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) May 23, 2017
This was the moment I knew that Chris Harrison has given up all control and just started showing up to work drunk. What. Is. This.
when you see dean come out of the limo tonight, remember that this was the first time he met rachel #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/CKy6yreGso
— 🌊 (@WilldeFries) May 22, 2017
V excited for the casually aggressive racism that is bound to come out this season. I’ve got my popcorn and my Twitter fingers ready!
I can't believe I've gone this long without my own catchphrase. #whaboom #TheBachelorette
— Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) May 23, 2017
Dillon, I think it’s because you’re an adult man with a job and a modicum of self-respect, but I’m also in favor of requiring all Grandex employees to put a catchphrase in their signature blocks from now on. #StayOnBrand
Harrison drops the rose and doesn't even make a speech?! He's already mailing it in and we're 70 minutes into the season. #TheBachelorette
— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) May 23, 2017
Further confirming my suspicions that Chris B. Harrison is hundo p done with this franchise. Am I using “hundo p” correctly? I learned it from my 22-year-old coworkers this week. #OnFleek #DaBomb #AreWeStillSayingLit #AskingForAFriend
You vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/JkfHMq3jT6
— Adam Jr. (@bachelorplease) May 23, 2017
This creepy AF Adam Jr. doll has sparked a hilarious trend of memes that I’m afraid to look at by myself without all the lights on and doors locked.
Watches the mask once pic.twitter.com/vf2bOl0tkb
— David Ruff (@dcarterruff) May 23, 2017
Wait… is it creepier than this face?!?! I honestly don’t know who I would rather make out with less at this point…
I'm 85% sure Rachel and Brian just had sex on network television and I'm not mad about it. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/GW1XD466iP
— Quinn Truflais (@QuinnTruflais) May 23, 2017
Rachel is feeeeeeeeeling Brian/Bryan and my group chat concurs. I had to take a quick cold shower before unpausing.
Finally. Math being used for something that actually matters in life. #TheBachelorette https://t.co/ygK0vGKWWI
— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) May 23, 2017
Don’t say I never taught you anything in this column. I don’t understand math because of my silly estrogen lady brain, but those seem like some good odds to me. #TeamBryan
Has anyone ever "whaboomed" their way to success? #TheBachelorette
— Princess Problems (@PrincessProbz) May 23, 2017
I think we can confidently say it is a statistically insignificant pool.
"Let the circus begin" says the tickle monster. #theBachelorette
— Kaitlyn Bristowe (@kaitlynbristowe) May 23, 2017
When the Tickle Monster starts making the most sense of all your potential suitors, maybe it’s time to “unpause” that Match.com account you definitely haven’t kept active but dormant for six years, Rachel…
Blake, the guy obsessed with his dick size, is going to break up this drama. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/CHrtIBR4l8
— Quinn Truflais (@QuinnTruflais) May 23, 2017
Throwing out “right reasons” less than an hour into the premier. I think that might be a new record, Blake!
"Rachel, Whaboom's coming for ya!" 😳#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/6Lenx53Ztd
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 23, 2017
You know… I bet he gives really good… NOPE. Nope. Not even I’m willing to go there.
Producers: "Rachel, you have to keep Whaboom. This is not optional."
Rachel:#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/7wEUTioJvR— Bachelor Burn Book (@bachelorburnbk) May 23, 2017
There is nothing I want more in life than to see Rachel’s federal judge father meet Whaboom guy. NOTHING.
Dramatic music, push-in on the penguin guy, this is why we watch #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/3cgQCagPYV
— Suzanne Robertson (@swimsuz) May 23, 2017
Say what you will about this show, but their film editing is truly finessed.
That’s all we have time for today, friends. I have a lot of feelings about this episode. I was honestly considering quitting my viewership after Vile Viall’s fiasco of a season, but Rachel may be breathing new life into this franchise. Bachelor producers, who I assume read my columns, please increase the amount of self-aware comedic film editing, feed Lucas some downers, and give Chris B. Harrison a nicer trailer to get him back to set. Join me, friends, on this most SHOCKING SEASON EVER. Until next week..
Respond
Quinn Truflais
Formerly known as Queen of The Garbage People. Functional title still stands. Dog owner, whiskey drinker, Star Wars fangirl. #DoingItForTheContent QuinnTruflais@gmail.com
@QuinnTruflais
putting two of your own tweets in a best-tweets list PGPM
Definitely lol’ed when the doll said ” I am disgusted”
I tried so hard to find a tweet of this but none were published by the time I was writing. 🙁
The guys that cried when Whaboom made it farther than them clearly didn’t understand this is a tv show.
Nothing is more horrifying than when people cry after the first, 2nd, 3rd week. Normal people don’t cry when someone you’ve had only a 5 minute conversation with rejects you!!!
I think the guy who cried was really more upset about not getting to show off all his outfits
Agreed, but I’ll also admit that when I’m on zero sleep and still a little drunk when the sun is coming up, I’m pretty fragile.
You completely missed the part where Whaboom dude was apparently trying to get it in Carly Waddell’s DMs over the weekend
We touched base on it. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/touching-base-post-grad-problems/id1105148784?mt=2
Honestly, I just skimmed to see if my tweets made the cut. Gotta keep my head down and do better.
Some of your tweets were better than half of these.
I did the same thing
My search criteria is a very advanced algorithm based on user engagement, page views, and probability of virality.
(I literally just search #TheBachelorette so tag your shit)
If “wahbooming” becomes the newest tend among our generation it will be the least surprising thing this year.
I think it’s at least arguable that Donald Trump Whaboomed his way to the White House.
I work with someone who is on this season and haven’t been able to get any spoilers.
I am ALL IN on Lucas. Waboom, baby.
I can’t wait to read your next post about this past weekend.