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One of my goals for the first half of the year was to complete a Whole 30. I’ve done it a few times before, and every time I do it I come out on the other side significantly skinnier and thinking about food completely differently. Now that summer’s coming around and I’m going to have to start exposing my shirtless piece of stepped on chewing gum that I call a body, I figured it couldn’t hurt to give it another shot. Famous last words.
The first week of any diet is always the hardest. What makes this one even harder is when it’s such a drastic change from your regular diet. I’m cutting carbs, alcohol, processed foods, and a shit ton of other delicious things. When you do that, your body reacts similar to how it would if you were going through withdrawals. Needless to say, I’ve been fairly irritable over the last 10 days and am doing a really bad job of hiding it.
Luckily, whenever I get pissed off, I rarely yell at people. I’ll project my anger onto the nearest inanimate object and tear them to absolute pieces. Here’s a ranking of the things I’ve yelled at so far. Keep in mind that this is by no means comprehensive, just the top five.
5. My Instagram Feed
What I said: “I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY GET TO BE HAPPY.”
Motivation for yelling: You really don’t realize how many food accounts you follow on Instagram until you can no longer eat any of the foods being featured in those accounts. I sat in my living room on Thursday night and flipped through story after story of hand-rolled noodles, melting pizza, and freshly caught fish tacos. I’ll be honest, I cried a little bit as I shoveled a handful of carrots into my mouth while scrolling.
4. The Projector At Work
What I said: “IF YOU WEREN’T CRUCIAL TO MY PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT, I WOULD TEAR YOU FROM THE CEILING AND FIST FUCK YOU INTO THE GARBAGE CAN.”
Motivation for yelling: It didn’t work on the first try. Not too proud of this one.
3. My Shoelaces
What I said: “COME UNTIED AGAIN, YOU FUCKING WALMART VERSION OF STRING.”
Motivation for yelling: Honestly, I bought a new pair of kicks a few weeks ago, but for some reason the laces are just really, really long. Therefore, if I don’t tie them the right way, I step on the laces and they come untied. Marking this as third because of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.
2. My Bed
What I said: “I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF THIS KEEPS HAPPENING I’M GOING TO BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN.”
Motivation for yelling: When I moved into my new apartment, I realized very quickly that my room is roughly the size of a shoebox. That means that every time I come home from work, I have to carefully maneuver myself through a labyrinth of dressers and poorly assembled shelving. Being the uncoordinated idiot that I am, I always take the immediate left turn into my room too loosely and end up bumping into my bed, losing my balance, and having to catch myself before I faceplant into my mattress. Since this is something I have to live with, it’s a larger issue than just the diet and therefore ranks higher.
1. My Laundry
What I said: “LITERALLY WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY CLOTHES?”
Motivation for yelling: This was actually the first thing that I yelled during this round of Whole 30. It was the culmination of being extremely hungry, having a shitty day at work, spending 30 minutes in traffic and 20 minutes trying to find parking, and realizing that I had to actually start laundry before cooking any food. The big issue is that my roommate walked in the door seconds before this outburst occurred. Photos were taken. Tweets were posted. I felt ashamed. So while this may not have been the meanest thing I yelled, the terror of potentially becoming a meme is what ultimately puts this at the top of the list. .
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Am I the only one that doesn’t understand doing these types of fad diets? Props to you for being able to do this for a month, but don’t you just trash your body a few months afterward and then commit to doing it again after a year?
Don’t diet for a month, just eat healthier on a normal basis.
Whole 30 is basically supposed to be a shock to your system. You eat extremely healthy, and then after the 30 days, you are supposed to eat mostly healthy but can reintroduce SOME of the bad stuff. Like if you drank every night, you might do a dry month, and then after that just drink on the weekends. Problem is, a guy like me just ends up going on a complete food bender when Whole 30 is over.
Same. I hit the whole 30 and the day it was over I blacked out and ate an entire Papa John’s pizza to myself. It was a bad version of myself but probably not the worst version of myself, RIP in peace SB 12.
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For me, Whole 30 definitely trained me to think differently about food and (after doing it twice) I never binged after the 30 days were over. But yeah, if you’re going to just thrash your body and go on benders after you do a diet like this, it’s pointless because you’re just going to gain the weight back and continue the bad habits.
How you gonna come at me like this?
Don’t sweat it. I’m not on a diet and I freak out at way more stupid shit than this.
Calling something the Walmart version of anything is probably my new favorite way to describe shitty items
Not being able to make it through a week of my diet. PGP
I do this on the daily, but still eat like shit.
Do I have anger issues? Probably. Will I continue this behavior? Most likely.
I remember the first week after whole 30 I walked around feeling like a millionaire…vending machine full of candy? I could eat some of that if I wanted to. Fast food restaurant on the side of the road? I could stop there and get a burger if I wanted to. Etc etc. It’s weird.
Why is it 2017 and projectors are still clunky piles of crap? We need a Silicon Valley wiz kid to invent a pocket-size projector or something to end this charade.
Currently screaming obscenities at this article for it’s accuracy while sobbing into a bowl of quinoa.
Currently on day 24 of Whole30. Completely relate to all of this.