All The Monday Morning Sports Conversations I Don’t Want To Have

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Since starting 2017 with a case of the Scaries, I’ve been much more aware of the anxiety inducing events that occur on my Saturdays and Sundays. Needless to say I was feeling it after Mason Crosby knuckleballed a 51yd field goal to send the Rodgers brother with the most punchable face on planet Earth to the NFC Championship game.

As I sat there contemplating why at no point in my life had I tried to become a Patriots or a Cavaliers fan, another wave crested and crashed my fragile psyche when I realized all the God awful conversations “Sports!” conversations I’d have to have at work tomorrow morning, and that before Monday was out I would have likely relived that game at least half a dozen times.

My boss

This one could come at any time. Our head pro really loves sneaking up and shanking my silence with utterly pointless, superficial conversation. Before 8:00 a.m. we will probably have spent 5-10 minutes talking about the game. The guy doesn’t follow football, and could give a shit less about the Cowboys, yet thinks I’m going to name my first born Troy or Emmitt, despite my constant attempts to downplay my fandom.

Here’s how the conversation will play out:

“Well your Cowboys almost pulled it off.

“Yeah it was close.”

Insert: the one or two recaps of the only plays he saw, regardless of what they were, defined the outcome of the game.

Members

Might have to host this one, once. Might have to endure it a dozen times. Really, the outcome depends on how the day goes. These are always worse during CFB because despite 70% of our members not graduating from Texas A&M, they somehow all know exactly what the Aggies need to go to the ship. Stand by for some spicy takes from dudes that’ve never played a down in their lives.

Our Accountant: Our accountant is a fifty something die hard Texans fan divorcee. Die hard Texans fan. If JJ Watt ever turns up missing I’m going straight to the police station. Take a seat folks, because this one’s gonna be at least 15mins. First we gotta hear what the Texans did, gotta hear about how unfair JJ’s life is because he works so hard but can’t get a postseason win. Then comes the airing of grievances against their front office and all the “lazy” players who aren’t doing their share of the load, it’s their fault JJ doesn’t have a Super Bowl MVP. By this point in the conversation my input has devolved to “Oh yeah…sure…yeah, that play” because I’m daydreaming about Death coming to whisk me away from this nightmare.

Department Head Meeting
By our 1:00 p.m. meeting time I’m in full blown Scaries mode because this one might be the worst.

Our department head meetings clock out around 1:45, minimum time, but with two Texas teams losing in the playoffs? We seriously might hit the 2:30/2:45 mark here.

We’ll hear a recap of the events from our accountant. Nobody will cut her off because they’re too afraid to hurt her feelings. Tack on 10 minutes, there. Next, everyone else will have to chime in that they saw the games, too. They were there, too. They watched it, too. Add 15 more minutes of superficial chatter while I sit in silence, envying the deaf.

The only bright side to Dallas losing is that makes one less team. Soon enough there will be one less sport I’ll be subjected to every Monday morning from all the Sports! experts.

Thankfully, most of my coworkers don’t bother with golf, so I’m 81 days from enjoying my fandom in peace.

See y’all in majors season..

Image via Shutterstock

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BBisgard45

Golf Pro in B/CS TX trying to trick the PGA into certifying me to give swing advice for a living.

• @BrianBisgard