======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Online dating is hard. It brings out all of our insecurities as we must settle on a few photos that we feel have us looking our best for potential suitors.
If looks were my thing I wouldn’t be using a dating app, would I?
Good looking people who ‘struggle’ in the dating game need to get the fuck out of here. We all know damn well your inbox is flooded with matches. There should be a separate app that you apply to be a part of. Put all the 8s and above over there to weed them out of the trenches for the rest of us who really need this.
In my opinion, online dating is all about the bio. This is where matches are won and lost for the common folk. If you’re able to make yourself stand apart from the crowd, you just might make it out there after all.
This is where I’ve seen ladies go wrong with their dating profile:
‘Looking for something real’
Try not wearing makeup and using FaceTune before taking your next selfie in the mirror if you want to see something real.
‘No hook ups’
The only real question is, “Are we going to end up at your place or mine?”
Your Height: ‘Must be 6’ or taller’
Stop beating around the bush and just ask me for a dick pic already.
Her Height: ‘Good things come in small packages’
Son of a bitch, stole my line.
‘My Anthem’
What does this even mean? Does the bar start playing this song when you walk in? Are you going to turn this on in the bedroom later?
Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers. Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers. Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers. Please don’t be “Closer” by The Chainsmokers.
Religion
Hitler is dead and the crusades are over; we don’t need symbols of our religious beliefs in our online dating profiles.
‘Girls-guy’
If I wanted a “girls-guy,” I’d be playing for the other team.
‘Not your typical girl’
You definitely have a hard drive full of every conversation you’ve ever had with an ex in preparation to one day ruin their lives.
50/50 chance there is a restraining order attached to your record.
‘Looking for someone to explore with’
I’m searching for woman within a few mile radius of my current location. That should tell you just how far I am willing to explore with you.
Niece/Nephew
The first sign of a kid and we’re out. It’s a risk not worth taking. Most guys aren’t as committed as I to scroll to your profile only to find out that little bundle of joy isn’t yours.
I’m looking to take you out for Twofers and half off apps on our first date; do you really think I need the financial burden of a kid on my plate?
Foreign language
I’m sorry, I thought this was America.
The more I think about it, most of my dates go downhill as soon as the conversation begins. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea?
We’re just a Rosetta Stone purchase away from understanding just how little we both have in common.
‘Ready to move on from a bad experience…’
You’re praying that you come across an acquaintance of your ex in hopes that they will tell them you’re putting yourself out there again. Also, you will match with his best friend and sleep with him.
Pizza
Pizza is the new bacon. It’s a given we all love these things. You don’t need 100 pizza emojis to solidify this notion.
Take an original stance for me one time.
Instagram Handle
If your five best pictures you selected weren’t enough for a right swipe, what makes you think another 800 will change my mind?
‘Girl in the Big City’
Thank you, Google Maps, for breaking the news to me that you are indeed a girl living in the city where we matched.
Spirit Animal
Talk about a spoiler into your fantasy fetish.
Marilyn Monroe / Sex and the City quote
Insert the “hands up” preach sister emoji following up this killer quote and you’re all set.
As for me, I keep it clean and simple:
Clear eyes, hit heart, can’t lose.
A little pop culture mashup can go a long way. Then again, my accounts are still active; so what do I really know?
Sup, ladies? .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
LifeOfaReilly
If you take everything I've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent!
@LifeOfaReilly
@TheLifeOfaReilly
TheLifeOfaReilly
“Let’s go on an adventure!”/”Love adventuring” what the fuck does that even mean. We can barely pick a restaurant to meet at now I gotta find a Temple of Doom to raid if I wanna get to second base? foh
Basically means “drive me all over the place so I can find hot pics for IG so it looks like I get out once and a while.”
She got “IG pic” gas money tho?
Now I really want you to take a date into a Temple of Doom and report back.
I may take a SoulCycle class soon, I’ll do anything for the content. Especially if involves me going on a date.
My personal favorite under the Marilyn Monroe quote category is “if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.” Marilyn Monroe was found dead in a pool of her own her own vomit; even she couldn’t handle herself at her worst.
Marilyn Monroe was killed by the FBI maaaaaannnn…
“Brunch is my fav”, “I love travelling, Netflix, and Wine”, “Only here for your dog” “Just looking for the Jim to my Pam” are some of my favorites as well. Great list
I’m sure this is going to get downvoted to hell, but I HATE when girls say they’re “not a typical girl” or “not like other girls.” Stop trying to put us all in the same box. Just be who you are.
I believe you mean “live ur truth”
Also, where are all these girls finding wings painted on brick walls to stand in front of and have their picture taken? And are they aware everyone else is doing it too?
I live near a historic landmark. Between the pics of wings and that landmark I feel your pain
“Fluent in sarcasm” Why does every girl think they’re the female version of Ryan Reynolds?
“I never know what to write here.”
…Yes, you do.
Last night I matched with a guy who immediately messaged me and told me he likes to go to stores wearing animal hats. What the actual fuck? Quick unmatch.
Why didn’t you like my line?
Name checks out.
What kind of animal hats though?
I prefer my raccoon hat, with the tail that hangs off the back.
Davy Crockett.
Bae-vy Crockett
Sooooo when’s the second date?
Unless you’re over 5’9″, you’d better be ready for a 6 foot male to counter your height requirement with a weight maximum.
I’m 6’3 and seeing appearance”requirements” period is a huge turn off – if you’re that vain you’re not with the trouble
I mostly agree, but again, with the caveat of a tall girl wanting to date a guy around their height. I’m 6’2″ and my girlfriend is 6 feet. I totally get her wanting to date someone at eye level.
What I don’t get are the 5’4″ biddies who think it’s 6 feet or gtfo.
Almost as bad as chubby girls looking for someone who “takes care of themselves”.
I’m convinced the Instagram handle in the bio is only there because they know a lot of dudes are desperate enough to follow them even if they don’t match.