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Every Thursday, we take a look at one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Avoid this gnarly creature, and stay safe out there in the wild.
Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling it’s better
Down where it’s wetter
Take it from me
-Sebastian, The Little Mermaid (1989)
I’m a big fan of the ocean. Water is my jam. Beaches are my safe space. That being said, there is a lot of dangerous shit in the deep blue sea. One such example of said dangerous shit? The Australian box jellyfish.
You might be thinking: It’s just a jellyfish. Hire a couple Russian prostitutes to pee on you and move on with your life. Not so fast, my friend. The Australian box jelly is no ordinary underwater paste to be smeared across bread and devoured with crunchy peanut butter.
Regular ass jellyfish don’t swim; they just drift through life like lumps of crap. The Australian box jellyfish, however, zooms around through the water at up to four knots. I’m not a captain in the European navy, so I don’t know how a “knot” compares to an American mile per hour, but grooving along with any speed at all is better than being a total loser and floating aimlessly.
Regular ass jellyfish also can’t see, but the Aussie box jelly has eyes grouped in clusters of six on all four sides of its hot cubed bod. Each cluster has a pair of eyes with all the necessary parts, like a lens, retina, iris and cornea, so best believe these dudes are seeing things.
What is so scary about a damn Australian box jellyfish?
For starters, it is the most venomous marine animal known to man and can fucking murder you. These bastards have fifteen tentacles on each of their corners, and each tentacle has about 5,000 stinging cells called nematocysts which are triggered not by touch, but activated by the presence of a chemical on the outermost layer of a fish, shellfish or human.
Their venom causes human cells to become porous enough to allow potassium leakage (doesn’t sound good), causing hyperkalemia (definitely bad), which can lead to cardiovascular collapse (oh shit) and death within two to five minutes (so you’re saying there’s a chance). Oh, and the pain from a sting is so brutal that you can immediately go into shock, which means you just fucking drown if you’re swimming alone. The odds of you making it back to shore on your own while suffering from stings from one of these bad boys are extremely low.
On top of all that, the Australian Box jellyfish is known as “the suckerpunch of the sea,” because they are light blue in color but basically transparent, making them extremely difficult to spot in the water, which has also been known to be blue in hue. So you might not see them, but the Australian box jellyfish sees you with like forty fucking eyes.
Fuck. That.
What should I do if I encounter an Australian box jellyfish?
Gently pet the tentacles in order to calm the creature so that it will refrain from stinging you. I’m kidding. Definitely don’t touch it, you fool. Swim. Swim for your fucking life. Do your best Michael Phelps impression and get the hell out of there.
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly..
Check back in every Thursday for another Dangerous Animal Of The Week.
Check out last week’s dangerous animal, the Cape buffalo
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Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
@WRBolen
@WRBolen
WRBolen
Australian Box = great
Australian Box Jellyfish = not great
Nobody probably cares but a knot is roughly 1.15 mph
I’ve actually wondered this for quite some time but never looked it up. V useful info. Thx.
Why are knots used if they neither equal one mile nor two kilometers? I believe it has something to do with navigating by stars though??
Back in the days before a standard unit of speed was established for sea-travel. To figure out speed, sailors would have a rope with knots tied into it and would let the rope go out as the boat was moving and they calculated speed relative to the speed the rope & knots went out.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
That’s definitely not right. “Knot” is simply short for “nautical mile”. Wikipedia explains the nautical mile was originally defined as “as one sixtieth of the distance between two parallels of latitude separated by one degree”. “Nautical” does not pertain to the fact that sailors use knots a lot, either.
But, but the piece of shit flight computer the Army gave me said it was. Fuck me, guess I’ll get back to work and recalculate.
I think you’re actually right about the term “knot’ coming from that usage, but nautical mile was definite prior to the usage of said knots to measure how many nautical mph they were going. Sailing is fucking confusing.
Yeah, why don’t you stick that foot right back in your mouth. Goober.
Something to do with nautical miles, right?
This thing will fuck you up so hard. Australia is the hell hole of animals that will end you. I don’t know why people still live there.
Just because they have the ten most deadly snakes and the ten most deadly spiders, sharks, crocodiles, box jellyfish, and stingrays, and it’s consistently hot as balls outside, and takes a minimum of 10 hours to fly anywhere, doesn’t make Australia that terrible.
But the women have the highest percentage of putting out on the first date. worth risking life to visit
Amen
They have poisonous cane toads taking over the country and fucking deadly ants. ANTS! Get the fuck out of here Australia.
Not to mention the potential of being drop-kicked by a kangaroo.
Hey nice avatar dude
Feels like a high percentage of the world’s finest lingerie and swimsuit models are Australian though. Also, that accent on a babe is next level.
The hottest models and actors come from there because all the fat ones get eaten by crocodiles and sharks. Australia has natural selection dialed up to 10.
I can’t remember where I heard this, so not sure of it’s validity, but…I’ve heard there’s more women than men so they’re also super aggressive compared to American broads.
Ever since I saw Crocodile Dundee when I was a kid, I’ve wanted to go to Australia. But as I grew up and learned more about that savage land, I’ve become hesitant. Knowing my luck, if I went there I’d probably just get shot by a mugger or some other not cool way to die.
Same, except for me it was that laughably horrible Mary Kate and Ashley movie, Our Lips Are Sealed. I really don’t feel any burning desire to ever visit Australia now that I realize how many fucking horrific creatures inhabit it.
Because Margot Robbie
Australia…
I like this two week trend of visiting a different continent. Bet ya Europe aint got shit on the others.
Fun Fact of the Day: Australia is the world’s only continent lacking a volcano.
Did you just post a video of a kid getting got? Really coming in hot this morning. Love it.
Technically he got got then he got ungot. Twice. Important to start your day by watching a kid get got twice, IMO.
Next up: polar bears. Or grizzly bears.
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Gallactica
Buddy of mine got stung by a man of war while we were surfing in Mexico. Having seen the pain that guy was in ( he described it as someone cutting your arm then sticking it in a bucket of rubbing alcohol) I cannot imagine what one of these bad boys will do to you.
I just googled that and holy shit
Aussie box jellies are way more deadly bruh. No competish.
No argument here
Just saying keep that weak shit out of here
Yeah I mean a man of war can’t kill you or at least it’s pretty tough
*Speaking to Australian Box Jellyfish*
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed some random kid.
Prepare to Die.
Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your account name and I just got done reading the book
You always got my back Scherbatsky, ‘ppreciate the love
Hell Nope