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A championship team is not made up of one star, but rather many role players. You need to fill different positions with different talents, different skill sets, and different types of people. The same is true for filling out your personal roster.
For those who don’t know, your “roster” is the group of girls you can call upon to hook up with at any given point. Despite being retired from the single life, I think I can impart some veteran knowledge on what makes up the perfect team. Here’s who you’ll need.
1. The Party Girl
Maybe you want to go out, but all your friends are “taking a weekend off.” Maybe your plans fell through. Hell, maybe you just want to get hammered and not have to worry about hitting on girls all night. This is the chick you want to call. This can’t be a girl you only hit up after midnight, but it doesn’t have to be a girl that you have feelings for. Just think of her as a friend who shares your love of drinking, and also your love of you getting laid.
Shoot her a, “What’re you up to tonight? Tryna get rowdy?” text like you would anyone else at 4 p.m. on a Friday, and know that your night just got simpler. Instead of figuring out who you’re going out with and who you’re going home with, now you’ve streamlined your whole night. This girl should be someone who’s low maintenance, always down to have fun, and ideally has her own crew of hot friends for your boys to try and hit on.
2. The Cuddle Buddy
I’m just going to say it: I love cuddling. I’m usually down to go out and get belligerent, but there’s times (when it’s -15 degrees outside), that all I want to do is stay in, put on a movie, and cuddle up next to a girl. A lot of people gravitate towards hookups that are solely sexual and always intoxicated, but that’s not always what you want. If you can find a chick that’s down to do girlfriend shit like cuddle and hang out sober, you need to add her to the roster. It’ll keep you grounded, give you an excuse to watch romantic comedies, and let you still get laid on days where your liver needs a break. Just make sure you don’t start making eye contact during sex, don’t watch an entire movie without taking a fuck break, and you’ll be able to keep feelings at bay.
3. The Trophy
In the adult world, sometimes you need to show off with some arm candy. You might have a work function and you need to assert your dominance over your coworkers. You could need a smokeshow on your arm to elevate your Instagram game. I’m sure you all have exes you’d like to make jealous. Whatever the reason, this girl is your first pick when you want to turn heads, but can’t afford a high-price escort. Obviously, a girl so far out of your league looks-wise is going to have some other flaws (or she wouldn’t be with you), so she’ll likely be a spoiled brat, a shitshow of a drunk, or just plain dumb. Your friends will probably hate it when you bring her around, but they get why she’s on the roster.
4. The Hookup With The Hookup
Whatever you need, she’s got. Drugs, tickets, new Yeezys – she can get it all for you. When it comes to doing cool shit, this is the girl you want to hit up. She’s got connections in every industry and seems to know every security guard in North America. Sure, those connections are probably dudes that she used to/is hooking up with, but hey, if you had feelings, you wouldn’t have a roster, right? Just make sure to stay on you’re A-game with her, because if she can get it better from someone else, you’ll no longer be a connection she needs. I’m still kicking myself for ending things with one of my old hookups before she could use her family’s Hollywood connections to make me a star.
5. The Crazy One
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – crazy girls are the best girls. Your life is pretty mundane, and even with a full roster of girls to choose from, things can get boring. That’s why you need a crazy girl to call up. This is the girl that’ll take a picture of you sleeping, put it on her Instagram, and tag your ex in it. Not because she loves you, but because she loves drama. She’ll call you a pussy every time you refuse a shot until you get blacked out drunk, and then try and convince you to get a tattoo of your buddy’s name on your ass. Some girls will steal your t-shirt for their stride of pride, she’ll walk home with one of your pillows.
Your friends will all hate her, your roommate will try to ban her from the apartment, and even your bank will judge you when she steals your credit card and uses it to send herself flowers at work. But they’ll all know why you keep hitting her up. Like my grandma always says, “That girl fucks like she just got out of prison.”
Go out and start recruiting, a championship roster won’t build itself. .
Image via YouTube
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
What is this TFM? I’m ecstatic if I have one girl that I know I can take to boner city whenever, let alone a roster.
Five girls. Ha.
I couldn’t keep track of that many, nor would I want to text that much. Pass based on logistics alone.
As I’ve said before that many girls at once just creates too many logistical hurdles. I can juggle three girls, max, but 5 is just too unwieldy.
A younger coworker is in a jam because he’s juggling a roster right now. He asked me for advice (I’m new so he doesn’t know how terrible my advice is yet). All I could tell him was; “Well…maybe don’t put yourself in a pickle by trying to be too many places at once.” He didn’t like that advice.
Yeah. Id be fine if I could get just one, please.
What would Carla say?
I think you’re preaching to the wrong demographic.
I have a roster or pornstars, though.
of*, god damnit.
It’s tough typing with one hand, man. Don’t beat yourself up over that typo.
“beat yourself” We see what you did there.
Being the small market franchise that can’t lure any big name free agents PGP
There are a whole lot more Kansas City’s than there are New York’s.
And here I’m barely an Arena Football League team.
Classic grandma.
I’d add having the go to weeknight hookup.
Sup?
So which of these did you settle down with?
The One Who Won’t Break Up With Me When She Reads This Column, I hope.
Oh yea she’s a keeper
Soooo if one guy fills three of these roles, does that mean I should lock it down?
Or grow the roster?
Fills 3 roles and fills 3 holes. – TFM Commentator
Hey-o!
Grow the Roster. Sup?
Which one will you be?
I’m the one who will pretend to like all of your shows.
Cute answer, wrong girl. I don’t have shows, but I appreciate the faked support.
Sweet then I will be the one who doesn’t cuddle. After sex I expect you gather your things and go. Is that a better thing?
Moving and losing the roster #PGP
Nick, how did you pull so many girls? You seem like kind of a douche and you aren’t very hot :/