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1. Learn To Take Dumps In Public Places
You’re an adult now, and adults have to be comfortable with doing number two in public. We are animals after all. I’m pretty sure the first time homosapiens left the cave was to find a nice tree to push out a log behind.
2. Have A Terrifying Vegas Experience
I’m talking drink-five-scotches-on-the-plane-ride-there-and-succumb-to-violent-shakes-on-the-plane-ride-back terrifying.
3. Go To Breakfast With A One Night Stand
If you’re willing to be seen with them in public and they’re willing to show their face in public, go grab some bacon and eggs at Denny’s, or class it up at a decent brunch place.
4. Go On A Long Road Trip And Don’t Kill Anyone
Nothing tests the bonds of friendship quite like a long road trip. After an hour on the road, your friends’ quirks will really start to wear on you. Put up with that for a weekend and you’ve found friends that will last a lifetime.
5. Cook A Meal For Yourself Without Breaking Down In Tears Just Once
There are few lonelier moments than cooking dinner for one. Embrace it. You’re an adult that is capable of feeding yourself.
6. Be Not Embarrassing On The Golf Course
The worst thing you can do is be unprepared when your boss or a client asks you to play 18, and you roll out on the links looking like Charles Barkley.
7. Live In A New City And Don’t Hate It
Worst comes to worst, you can always go home and live with mom and dad. Everyone loves moving back in with their parents, don’t they?
8. Give A Great Wedding Speech While Completely Hammered
Wing it. Be the star of the reception. Boom.
9. Wake Up In A Stranger’s House After Not Having Intimate Relations With That Stranger
This one will really just remind you to get your shit together. The only thing more shameful than the walk of shame is doing the walk of shame out of a house after not hooking up.
10. Use The Foreign Language You Took In College To Hook Up With A Foreigner
You might have accidentally told them that you wanted to “be their spouse in the love quarters of bed passion,” but your charm will be impossible to turn down.
11. Take A Spontaneous Road Trip To See An Old Friend And Be Drunk The Entire Time
Obviously, don’t get hammered in the car. Nothing rekindles the flames of old friendships like a 48-hour bender.
12. Pray That One Of Your Sports Teams Wins A Championship
Because once you turn 30, rioting in the streets is no longer standard celebrating procedure.
13. Get A Tattoo, Then Get It Removed
You can’t erase a mistake until you make the mistake.
14. Take Your Parents Out To Dinner
Just a little reminder that a little thanks can go a long way.
15. Live By Yourself, If Only For A Little Bit
Because no rent is too high when you hate everyone.
16. Ride A Jet Ski Every Summer
Why would you not do this? Have you ever seen an unhappy person riding a jet ski?
17. Have A Life-Changing Karaoke Experience
18. Drive The Shit Out Of A Rental Car
Because when something can be insured for five dollars a day, risk is no longer a factor.
19. Ask Someone Who’s Way Out Of Your League On A Date
Worst case scenario, they say no. Best case scenario, you marry someone extremely good looking.
20. Dump The Shit Out Of The Person You’re Dating If You Don’t Want To Marry Them
The divorce rate is over 50%. Stop contributing.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
I’m only halfway through this list, better get a move on.
Airport dumps are the worst.
Thinking Denny’s is a decent brunch spot #PGP
Violent shakes are the worst
15 is a must.
The white guys who tear it up at the black bar in #17 are my new heros
HA, he said “black bar”.
Add:
Take down a 40 + year old divorcee. After 30, the excitement on both ends is cut in half. After your 20’s the excitement is cut in half on both ends.
The sort of uninhibited enthusiasm typically displayed by this genre will really help you to put things in perspective in the sack.
Took down a 40+ divorcee when I was 21 and visiting home for Christmas in St. Louis (Rob Fox, this was the one time I went out drinking in STL, and damn…). She kept telling me about her kids who were 18 years old and her sad life. I pissed in her dresser all over her clothes when I was blacked out in the middle of the night, then she gave me a ride home in the morning and never saw her again. Not my proudest moment, but got a lot of high fives when I went back to school.
Point is, nights with divorcees lead to great stories.
Long day – Subtract “After 30, the excitement on both ends is cut in half”