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“Dish, girl – how was your final Thanksgiving a single lady?”
[Caroline talking]
“Ugh, I know, I’m going ano for the next week. I ate so much freaking pie.”
[Caroline talking]
“I don’t even want to talk about it, it was stupid. And tbh, you-know-who is on the couch right now watching football and can probs hear us.”
[Caroline talking]
“Oh, no, we don’t have any plans this weekend – do you want to try that new sushi place on 27th? Ginger? Is that what it’s called?”
[Caroline talking]
“They don’t have all-you-can-drink sake but that might be a good thing after how you handled it when the boys were at John’s bachelor party…”
[Caroline talking]
“Hahahaha, you were totes fine, I’m kidding. But seriously, you were hamskied.”
[Caroline talking]
“I know, I’m such the mom of the group. But like, seriously, I don’t care at all. Consider it your wedding gift.”
[Caroline talking]
“L-O-L, I’m kidding, I’ve been planning your wedding gift since, like, before you even got engaged.”
[Caroline talking]
“I haven’t gotten him anything yet, when you’re back in town we should go to Nordie’s and shop. it. up.”
[Caroline talking]
“Seriously, though, Todd might be getting a small present this year because this funemployment stuff isn’t cheap. Mama’s poor.”
*Todd looks over to the kitchen where she’s sitting at the island*
“I mean, I think Todd knows what I want this year.”
[Caroline talking]
*Todd rolls his eyes*
“Uh, yeah, it rhymes with ‘schmerschmagement schming.'”
[Caroline talking]
“Hahahahahaha I’m so bad.”
[Caroline talking]
“He’s clearly, like, not even thinking about it. Besides, I’d probs kill myself if he tried to do it around your wedding and accidentally upstaged you.”
[Caroline talking]
“Right? Getting engaged at someone else’s wedding is tackier than having your bridesmaids all wear the same style of dress.”
[Caroline talking]
“Speaking of, are you just, like, so excited?”
[Caroline talking]
“I’ve, like, never even had the idea to have a New Year’s Eve wedding – I’m so jelly.
[Caroline talking]
“Honestly, anyone that complains about traveling over the holidays is just so dumb. Like, what else were you going to do for New Year’s? Go to the same club you went to the five years before and pay $200 to party with a bunch of immature college kids? No. Thank. You.”
[Caroline talking]
“Earth to Caroline – you’re going to have the best wedding ever. Well, I mean, until mine. JK, totes just kidding but seriously.”
[Caroline talking]
“Whatevs – should we get a spa day right before Christmas to decompress?”
[Caroline talking]
“Uh, yeah, I’ll book like the second I get off the phone.”
*takes phone away from ear and puts Caroline on speaker so she can look at spa reservations*
Girl: Hahaha, I’m so bad, the spa automatically came up when I started typing in the name.
Caroline: John would kill me if he knew how much I’ve spent there over the last year.
*Todd looks over again*
*she takes Caroline off speaker phone*
[Caroline talking]
“Uh, yeah, I’ll just make the reservation later, sorry.”
[Caroline talking]
“Hahahaha, trust me, after what Finn did last week, I don’t think the boys are going to gossip much about us.”
[Caroline talking]
“Right? Katie is so not the type to care. Finn has it so fucking easy and he doesn’t even know it.”
[Caroline talking]
“Oh, me? I don’t care at all. Boys will be boys, ya know?”
*actually cares*
[Caroline talking]
“Ha, ha, ha, I’ll probably get a better Christmas present out of it.”
*looks at Todd while jokingly (not jokingly at all) points at ring finger*
[Caroline talking]
“Oh, he absolutely hates me right now. He’s pretending like he can’t hear me.”
[Caroline talking]
“Yeah, I’d totes be down to do that – I didn’t realize you were already in town.”
[Caroline talking]
“Oh, shit yes. I can be there in like, twenty.”
[Caroline talking]
“Okay, what are you wearing?”
[Caroline talking]
“Well, I’m not changing so it looks like we’re being twinsies again.”
[Caroline talking]
“Love you too, bitch, see you soon.”
[Caroline talking]
*ends call*
“Alright, Todd, I’m going to go meet Caroline at Pressed to grab a juice and then we’re going to Nordstrom. Make sure you’re ready for drinks tonight with Katie and Finn. Oh, and I’ll probably invite John and Caroline tonight too now that I realize she’s in town – can you call them and up the rezzie to six people instead of four?” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Things Todd Does on NYE: Breaks up with Girl, blacks out at wedding, Claire
Can’t wait
You’re an angel.
I think I love you
Takes Claire to wedding as a side piece. Gotta have options.
I would have turned up the tv volume to drown out her phone conversation
You’re not even half the man your father is.
Prenup, Todd. Just have one drawn up now because you’re going to propose even know you know you’re fucked down the road. Also, stick Finn’s bitch ass with the tab tonight.
Yeah bartender, I’ll have 2 Johnnie Blue neat, and it’s on his tab (points to finn)
Not sure if I would go prenup. Sounds like girls family is loaded and maybe Todd is just doing it for her family money.
I know this story is satire, but that’s just bananas land fantasy right there. Todd is a man. There is basically zero chance he would get a dime of her family money in the divorce proceedings.
You’re right.
In college I knew a girl who told her boyfriend senior year if they weren’t the next ones to get engaged they were breaking up. They were the next ones to get engaged. A year and a half later I see they are divorced and his profile picture is of him and his boyfriend. This reminded me of that girl.
So she’s single
She remarried a year later and is now pregnant.
Can’t say she didn’t strive for her goals.
My ex sober cried for hours when she didn’t get a ring by spring.
Assuming this was the exact moment she became “ex”
I still can’t get over the fact that Todd was seriously the first guy she met on an online dating app and here they are….
sup?
I don’t even feel bad for him anymore. Countless sessions of this guy ranting about the same old stuff – dude needs to man up.
User name checks out.
Hamskies, ano, rezzie? What the fuck?
And how can she say funemployment isn’t cheap when shes not footing the bill?
I hope her dad is paying for it because if Todd is doing it I am going to kick him in the nuts.
“Todd might be getting a small present this year because this funemployment isn’t cheap” proceeds to book a spa, shop at Nordstrom; go out for drinks…
Todd’s credit score is going to drop fast when girl spends up to his credit limit on the card every month once she forces him to marry her.
Hasn’t it been a year, too? Good luck explaining that employment gap.
It’s cute how you think she’s going to work again.
She’ll get a job at like, one of her parents friends firm or whatever. She’s the worst. She’ll succeed.
Only if she doesn’t succeed at locking down Todd as her first husband.
“Right? Getting engaged at someone else’s wedding is tackier than having your bridesmaids all wear the same style of dress.”
…she says while not-so-secretly hoping Todd will propose at Caroline’s Wedding.
He’d be instructed to, let’s be honest.
I need to get “hamskied” after reading that conversation