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Each year I find myself hating the things young John used to enjoy. A wedding was an event where I could drink for free and cut loose with people I hadn’t seen in awhile. These days, they’re an all around headache to attend and the worst part of my personality comes out.
22-year-old John: An out of town wedding?! This is going to be so much fun!
28-year-old JR: An out of town wedding?! I can’t believe I have to burn PTO for this.
John: I’d better head to Marshalls and pick up a brown belt. Oooh, this one is brown on one side and black on the other!
JR: How many other guys will be wearing the same Ludlow as me? Over/under is set at 12.
John: I can’t wait to see all my old friends from college. It’s been so long since we graduated six months ago.
JR: It’s probably best if I skip town for awhile. Let things settle down…
John: I’m so glad they’re finally getting married! We’ve got to start planning a couples trip with them!
JR:
The saddest part of weddings is knowing it's the last time you'll ever see the bride and groom.
— JR Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) October 1, 2016
John: “Do you think it’s cool if we crash at so and so’s place since they live in the same city?” We’ll completely disrupt their weekend.
JR: “Hey Mom and Dad, have you gotten any phone calls about me? Did anybody maybe stop by?”
John: Cash bar? I get it, they’re young and probably need to save the money.
JR: Cash bar? We’re fucking out of here.
John: What an awesome ceremony. I admit I teared up a little during the vows.
JR: They’d better keep this thing under a half hour. We traveled a long way.
John: It’s so cool of the groom’s cousin to DJ the reception with his iPod Classic.
JR: If this dude doesn’t play “Return of the Mack,” this night is ruined.
John: clinks glassware “Kiss! KISS!!!”
JR: This is so weird, I remember how slutty she used to be and how crippling his gambling addiction is.
John: I don’t think I’ve laughed any harder than during that Best Man’s speech. Hilarious.
JR: I don’t think this fucking guy is going to play “Return of the Mack.”
John: OK, a lot of inside jokes in the Maid of Honor’s speech. Not really following but it’s the thought that counts.
JR: Women aren’t as funny as men.
John: Good move getting the fish babe, I got the chicken so now we can try both!
JR: “Hey can I borrow your steak knife to cut this? Yeah I seem to have misplaced mine…”
John: puts phone away “Sorry.” Ugh I just wanted to check the score of the game.
JR: “Don’t worry, I won’t leave like last summer.” When will people learn to only have July or August weddings?
John: “This dessert is incredible. Do you think we can ask for seconds?”
JR: “Sorry I was gone for so long. What jacket? I wasn’t wearing a jacket…”
John: “How late do you think they have this place for? Where we going after this?!”
JR: No shot they rented this place past 11.
John: We should probably track down everybody in the wedding party and say extended 20-minute goodbyes to each person.
JR: “I didn’t notice that the music stopped playing. Hey, let’s get out of here. Like right now.”
John: Being there tonight made me think about what I want to do for MY wedding!
JR: “It’s red frosting from the cake. I’ll just throw these clothes in a dumpster. Hey let’s go straight to the airport!”.
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
I’m done with these articles about how much weddings suck. Weddings are dope. People getting married is amazing and beautiful! Plus, free food and beverages (unless the couple has a cash bar then they can go suck it). And women get wedding fever and which is pretty awesome. Every wedding I’ve been to has been incredible, and I dance to my hearts desire! PGP is filled with pessimistic idiots who don’t know a good time, clearly.
That’s because the only wedding you went to you turned the water into wine and everyone thought you were the man.
That’s because I am the Man. And I’ve been to many weddings. All amazing.
Donald J. Christ?^
If “Return of the Mack” isn’t on a wedding playlist, then what are we even doing here?
Well apparently JR is there killing the guy for not playing it.
I think it’s the right move for him, honestly.
If I got invited to at least one wedding I would be thrilled. God, I need friends.
Go out and make some! I’ll help where I can.
Same here. Last wedding I went to, I was in high school and it was for a distant cousin. I’m 29. If I had a dollar for every wedding album I’ve seen on FB since college, I could pay back my student loan in cash.
If Shout isn’t played, can you even consider the marriage legally binding?
What’s Hickey’s body count up to now? Four? Five? I’ve lost track. Can’t wait to see the Netflix documentary in a few years.
Did…did you kill the DJ?
Yea, but he deserved it.
We said we would never talk about that shit. Did Branson mean nothing to you?
Dude, be cool.
I have been to 10 weddings this year. They are all fun, but God help me, I’m going to throw myself into a river if I another one of my friends gets engaged in the next year.
How many people do you know?
Why isn’t this titled with “Things I’ve Gotten Worse At”? I like that branding/continuity for these.
It’s probably going to lead into “Things I’ve Gotten Better At: Murder”
Best one yet
Relating with John, but working an anti-social job that JR wouldn’t mind. #PGP