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Friday
22-year-old John: Ahhhh, the weekend got here so quick! Who’s up for drinks after work?
28-year-old JR: I didn’t think I’d make it this week. Almost ended it all on Wednesday afternoon.
John: Damnit, nothing to eat! Bro, I’m gonna order us a couple ‘zas for later. Pequods sound good?
JR: Ehh, you’re right, we should probably hit Trader Joe’s. We’re out of groceries groceries.
John: I really shouldn’t stay out too late, I’ve got a BIG weekend planned. (stays out until 2AM)
JR: Great, she fell asleep a third of the way through Inception. Ironic.
Saturday
John: (wakes up at 11 a.m.) Fuck I didn’t even get to sleep in.
JR: (wakes up at 9 a.m.) Fuck I slept in.
John: Do you think there’s time for me to hit the gym before we go to the beach?
JR: My back is a little tight. Looks like I’m not going to the gym this weekend.
John: The party doesn’t start until later so we have plenty of time to grab food and pregame tonight.
JR: What type of two-year-old’s birthday party starts at 10 a.m. and goes all afternoon?
John: Since I don’t do laundry until Sunday I guess I’m wearing something wrinkled from the basket.
JR: Yeah I’ll sit here for an hour while you try on everything Anthropologie has on sale. No, I won’t hold your purse.
John: Gotta stop by Costco to pick up an extra large bottle of Jack and more microwavable burritos! Can you come with me so I can use your card?
JR: We should probably hit Costco with the intent to buy three things and the reality of leaving with sixteen.
John: Dude, you know who I heard will be there tonight? So and so’s sister, she’s about to graduate.
JR: Dinner plans with that couple from your office? You did NOT put it on our calendar.
John: Nothing like a night out at the bar with my boys!
JR: What do you mean I was too quiet? They talked about their three-year-old the entire time, what was I supposed to contribute?
John: I hope I get laid tonight.
JR: Here come the desert menus. No way I get laid tonight.
Sunday
John: Where are we meeting to watch the game today? Let’s find a spot with wings and post up.
JR: Oh sure, of course, I can’t skip brunch with your parents. It’s only Game 7.
John: Still nothing to eat in the fridge. Guess I’m ordering takeout!
JR: We should probably go back to Whole Foods for the stuff we forgot at Trader Joe’s on Friday and Costco on Saturday.
John: No, I don’t want to go on a hike. What a waste of time.
JR: No, I don’t want to go on a hike. There’s never been a time in my life I have said I want to go on a hike.
John: This apartment is filthy. (picks up beer cans) (half-assedly Swiffers)
JR: Just let me sit here in my chair and watch everything I’ve DVRed this week PLEASE!!!
John: I’ll start laundry way too late so I’m up half the night playing vid games while I wait for it to be done.
JR: Oh man, the Scaries are hitting me hard. I’m going to stare at the ceiling tonight for hours.
Monday morning
John: My weekend was epic! How was yours?
JR: I didn’t do anything this weekend. .
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
I can’t fucking stand children’s birthday parties. When the time comes, and little Hacker Jr. is born, that kid is getting wrapped up boxes of diapers and other household shit we need for the first three years of his life, until he can actually forge a lasting memory of something. The idea of wasting money on birthdays and christmases for children too young to remember them gives me heartburn and makes my eye twitch. (Bring on the downvotes, fuckers. You know I’m right.)
My friend and his wife throw a birthday party for their dog every year. I refuse to go to that shit.
That sounds more fun
More fun like getting punched in the face is more fun than getting kicked in the balls.
We had a dog bday party this year for one of my friend’s dog. It was great! No kids, lots of booze, BBQ, I baked doggie cupcakes, human cupcakes, and special cupcakes. You’re missing out on the fun if you think a dog’s bday party is lame.
Maybe it’s just because I hate them and think they’re dog is ugly. If cupcakes and booze are involved maybe I should give it a shot.
Of there is no booze then they fucking suck.
I’m sure Mrs. Hacker will agree with you
She laughed in my face and told me to start budgeting right now for the first birthday party (she ain’t preggers, and we get married next July), complete with bounce-house and clown, even though literally NO fun will be had in that castle by my child. I’m gonna have to land a six figure gig right out of law school to support her idea of a lifestyle. I just hope she lets me play as much golf and smoke as many stogies as I want, because she has delusions of grandeur right now.
My firm is hiring.
Will gladly sell my soul in a few years. I wish I could slide up in your DMs, but THE GODDAMN TEC GUY IS LAZY
Saturday morning ‘sleeping in’ description. Gold.
That got me too. A few weekends ago I was so exhausted I slept in until like 10 and felt like the biggest piece of shit all day.
I remember one weekend in college I got so drunk I blacked out while getting it on with this fetching blonde number from our rival school. I woke up to a taxidermied platypus in my bed. To this day, I’m still not sure if I made love to a beautiful woman or a stuffed mammal that lays eggs.
I have so many questions.
It was the 80s, that’s all you need to know.
Interesting and useless fact: Aside from laying eggs, the platypus is also one of only five poisonous mammals in the world, with the males having a poisonous barbed spike on his hind legs to use as protection against smaller predators.
This might be your best one yet.
Maybe just me… but seems like most, if not all, of these changes are due to the addition of a lady friend in your life. Girl, can’t live with them……
…can’t pee standing up.
GET OUT OF MY BRAIN
Peaquods, the GOAT
Peaquods is my go-to for deep dish. Thin crust I go with Piece Pizza.
I’ve found it increasingly hard to be motivated to do anything on Fridays after a work week. But, I’m pretty content doing things around the house/yard and drinking. I swear that most people go fucking bonkers after a week at work so I don’t really like going out in public.
I like routines, so if my weekends go the same way, I’m pretty happy.
Pequod’s is definitely the top deep dish in Chicago.
This
Ride and die for Gino’s East
You bite your tongue