A Cigarette After Sex Has Been Replaced With A Phone Check

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The post-coital cigarette used to be a regular occurrence in beds all over the world. For some reason I think that this is a very French thing to do, but I’ve never been to France, nor have I ever had intercourse with a French girl, so it’s ignorant for me to assume this. In black and white films from the golden age of cinema (also known as the 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s), men would finish in the missionary position, roll off of the girl they had just disappointed and reach immediately over to the night stand.

There on the night stand was where you could find a pack of cigarettes, one for him and one for her. That Lucky, Marlboro Red, or Camel Light would get lit and talking would cease for the next few minutes. They’d spark up, both take long drawls, and stare at the ceiling as they thought about what they had just finished doing. Was it enjoyable? Sure, probably. A man ejaculates, it feels good for a few seconds, and it’s on to the next thing. I can’t imagine many men in that day and age were very worried about whether or not they got their partner off, but that’s not the point.

The point is that the cigarette was a reprieve. An excuse to not talk after finishing that act that was only whispered about in back alleys and seedy bars in those days. Sex was gauche. It was something you did to procreate. It was never spoken of, and it rarely got shown on the big screen, which is why by the end of this “golden age” if you saw two people laying in bed smoking cigarettes, it was safe to assume that they had just finished fucking.

But doesn’t a cigarette following a romp in the sack just sound so wonderful? I mean I love cigarettes. I strongly believe that if you stick a cigarette in literally anyone’s mouth, they become a hundred times cooler and a hell of a lot more interesting. But I don’t smoke them on the regular. It’s a habit that is too expensive for me to maintain. I rip heaters when I’m drunk on patios, but I sure as shit wouldn’t smoke one in my fucking bed. Do you know how bad your room would smell after smoking a goddamn house cig? The answer is not good.

Two people, post-coitus, ripping darts in a room that already smells like sex brews up a funk that I don’t even want to begin to imagine. So obviously this isn’t 1950. We’re in 2016, and most people don’t smoke cigarettes anymore because they’re scared of “cancer” and “birth defects” and “taking years off of their lives.” We millennials — us promiscuous, loathsome group of leeches — prefers the cell phone to eat away at our brain rather than the cigarette.

Think about what you do right after you take your penis out of that girls vagina. Or what you do after you hop off that guys dick you were just riding. I can tell you that following a brief clean up, I’m about 90% certain you’re reaching for your phone.

It’s become the go-to move for any two people who have just finished doing the deed. Roll over, check their phone for any missed text messages, and then spend the next 10-15 minutes scrolling Twitter and Instagram until one of the two asks the other if they’re hungry. This inevitably leads to an argument, with the girl saying that she doesn’t care while simultaneously shooting down any idea for food that the guy comes up with. We do this, night in and night out on a continuous basis, just circling the drain as we wait for the next time we can have sex and then roll over to check our phones so we don’t have to talk to the other person. It’s a ritual just like the cigarette used to be. Checking your cell phone after you throw that girl a towel has become the cigarette after sex.

I’d like to change all of that, though. How about we try to be personable? I think it’s rude to just immediately get back on our phones after doing the most intimate thing you can do with another human. So since smoking cigarettes in bed just isn’t going to happen, what if we just started vaping in bed? Vaping has it’s detractors, sure. It’s incredibly douchey, but who’s going to see you do it in the comfort of your own bed? No one, that’s who (other than your partner). And isn’t getting a little nicotine buzz more satisfactory than checking your phone? I’d maintain it is. This way, you can take a drag and then maybe have a meaningful conversation with that girl you just penetrated for four and a half minutes. Or just say “fuck it” and buy a pack of sex cigarettes. Just do anything other than check your phone immediately following ejaculation. In this way, we can be better than our ancestors who avoided conversations. Plus it’s nice to know a little bit about the people you sleep with, isn’t it?

Have some decency. Have some class. Have a smoke in bed with that person you bump uglies with..

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Johnny D

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• jduda@grandex.co