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I sat on a couch a few weekends ago at a house party. I was invited to said party by what I’ll call a fringe friend from college. He was with work friends at the party, so the only person I truly knew on a first name basis ten minutes after arriving was the kid who had invited me. The anxiety I felt in that situation was unbridled and raw. Should I start milling around on my own and hitting on girls? Better not, can’t risk alienation from every girl here within the first ten minutes. Should I ask the host if he wants to shotgun a beer? Too desperate. Was this one of those parties with only couples at it?
So many questions. Enough uncertainty to make my brow and upper lip sweat uncontrollably.
In the past, I’ve thrived at house parties. When you know everyone at a house party, everything goes. You can yell, you can make jokes that don’t land, you can throw up in the bathroom. In short, you can be yourself. When you’re in a city with a limited friend group you can kiss that good time feeling goodbye. Familiarity is what made me comfortable at house parties of yore. I always had a backup plan and a backup-backup plan if I got bored or did something truly horrifying. Horrifying would include, but is not limited to, hitting on a girl who wasn’t interested in my advances or insulting some guy who couldn’t take a joke. Here – in Austin – on that day a few weekends back, this house party was the only thing I had going for me. I had to make this work or go back to my empty apartment. And make no mistake, it was fucking hard. I can’t say I did a great job of putting myself out there on that particularly sweaty Saturday night, but I wasn’t horrible either.
So what is more exhausting? A party or a bar? It’s a tough call, but I would venture to guess that most people will say the bar is much more tiring because at least when you get invited to a party you’re not surrounded by strangers, right? I can get down with that train of thought most days, but what happens when, like me, you’re invited to a party in a city in which you’ve only just recently moved to? I’ll tell you what happens: sheer, unadulterated panic.
When you’re invited to a party where you only know one or two people, you better be #on or else you’re going to wind up standing next to the kitchen counter checking your phone for an hour before you finally decide to slip out unnoticed. For those who aren’t familiar, being #on just means that you’re firing on all cylinders. Everything you say is met with haughty laughter, high fives, and side eyes from guys who wish they would have thought to say what you just did. But being #on at a party where you don’t know anyone is next to impossible because you’re treading lightly. Walking on eggshells. Making sure everything you say can’t possibly be taken the wrong way. Only involving yourself in safe, politically correct conversations. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. If you do put yourself out there, you’re at a very real risk of becoming secretly hated. If you don’t, you’re just the squid in the corner who everyone is ignoring.
Meeting new people is hard in your mid-20s. You don’t want to come across as too nice, but you also don’t want to seem aloof to a person you’ve only just met. You need to toe the line between dickhead and affable, and staying on that line throughout the night is damn near impossible. You can’t just be going up to other bros and asking them if you can get their number to hang out sometime. I mean, I guess you can do that. But I’m too self-conscious and in my own head to think that another guy would just want to hang out with someone who they met five minutes ago. The same goes for girls. Ask the wrong girl for her number and she’ll probably give it to you out of pity then walk away and tell all of her girlfriends (or worse, her boyfriend who is also at the party) that the guy who no one knows is just walking around hitting on everyone.
The best thing you can do, nay the only thing you can do- is put yourself out there and hope you’re not chastised for it. Granted, anyone worth their salt will have haters. A certain amount of hatred is good for your persona at a party. Walking into a party where you know absolutely zero people wearing an absurd outfit can go one of two ways. People will hate how much they love you, or they’ll love how much they hate you. And in some cases, either one is fine. Just be careful. Get drunk enough where you’re comfortable enough to say something a little outlandish. Just don’t be the guy at the kitchen counter refreshing his Twitter feed. No one likes that guy..
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jduda@grandex.co
Moved to Boston about 3 years ago and went through a lot of the same crap you’re going through. Best bet is to join a rec league. Breeds degenerates who drink a lot. Plus most girls are single.
I agree, I moved to Annapolis 2 years ago and rec leagues are the best way to meet new people. Great way to get some mid week happy hour and beers on the field in.
I just recently joined a rec league in the city I moved to a year ago. Every person I talked to at the pre-season get together was in a relationship or married. Win some lose some
I’ve googled “how to make friends in your late 20s” more times than I care to admit. Though I’ve stayed put, 99% of my college friends have either moved or moved on so I feel like a stranger in a new city. Most of the time, I don’t know how to break the ice or where to go to meet people.
Solid, much needed article, Duda.
More/less in the same boat but mainly with girls. How the fuck does one meet mid 20’s girls not at the bar or on tinder/bumble?
Sooo did either of you find out, asking for a friend who happens to be me.
If I ever discover the secret I’ll be sure to share
Would also like to know this….except I would like to know about meeting men not at a bar or Tinder. Maybe follow Duda’s advice and start hitting on people at the grocery store?
I’d be thrilled to be hit on by a babe at the grocery store it’s just a matter of being #on
Same here. Not sure if I would notice though
For a guy I would suggest volunteering at a animal shelter. My friend works at one and swears it’s easier for a guy to get laid their then at a frat party in college.
For a girl beer league sports, most group of single guys need a extra girl just sign up as a free agent and they will place you on a team with dudes.
Been trying to figure this one out. On Monday I went to a “Bachelorette” viewing party because a girl I work out with invited me. I only knew her and I don’t watch The Bachelorette. It shouldn’t be this hard.
Other than no update from The Chase for 2 consecutive Tuesdays Johnny.
How about you update us on your love life while we wait for it then?
Because I can’t post links to porn on post grad problems.
Give the man some breathing room. He’s trying to find his niche in a new office and city. And, if Johnny gets tied down with a girl to soon after his move, he’ll never make any of his own friends.
You don’t know true social anxiety until you go solo to a wedding where you only know one of the people getting married.
I don’t know man that sounds fun as hell, I bet you got placed at the drunk fuckup table. That the best table.
I did. And it was. Once the six beer barrier was breached, it wasn’t so bad. Luckily his buddies were cool so it just turned into a drunk fest. But cocktail hour was nerve wracking.
You two bring up points i did not think about. There is a plus one involved. And his friends are fun. Things to consider. Thanks
Invited to a wedding. Same situation as you describe. Good guy. But gotta respectfully decline. No way I’m going only knowing the groom
Depends how close you are to the guy. If it’s just a casual work aquaintence, that’s probably the right move. I worked side by side with this guy every day at our blue collar job, so there was commraderie there.
I moved from the east coast to Chicago, and apparently what’s considered fun banter in New England is “assholish” and “obnoxious” and “makes people uncomfortable” in Chicago. I think my wife spent the first two years I lived here just saying “no, he’s really a nice guy, that’s just his sense of humor.” And yes, she was the only person here I knew. Fun.
I moved from the Midwest to the New England and I’m not surprised you were treated like that. I’m no stranger to sarcasm but people out here just seem really standoffish with strangers; good people once you get to know them though.
Moved to Seattle a year ago, it is hard work to make new friends. Especially over 30 and in the midst of the “Seattle freeze”.
Sounds like you’re meeting the wrong people in Chicago.
We are all in this together. Let’s start a movement across the country for grocery store moves. #on
I mean you’re already down a strike with one of your outfits so just go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? Either you find some new friends or you’re back at status quo.
I suggest cocaine – makes meeting people a lot easier.