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24-year-old John: “Thanks for driving me to the airport babe! Can you open the trunk so I can grab my new suitcase from Marshalls?”
28-year-old JR: “Yeah, Uber for JR? Can you step on it? My flight leaves in 38 minutes.”
John: Man, they weren’t kidding about TSA being slow these days. Good thing I got to the airport two hours early so I’m not in a rush!
JR: strolls through Precheck
John: Oh damn, my flight is delayed three hours. Guess I’ll sit in the airport bar and try to make some friends!
JR: “Can I get on the next flight? The $200 change fee is fine.”
John: Southwest is such a fun and affordable way to fly. I love how they don’t have assigned seats!
JR: “Yes, no problem. I’ve operated plenty of emergency exit doors before.”
John: I’d better purchase wifi to knock out some work on the flight over. I don’t want my boss to see me offline during business hours.
JR: pops a Dramamine
John: I packed an extra phone and laptop charger as well as a spare set of earplugs, in case I lose or break anything on the trip.
JR: Whoops, forgot my laptop. I guess I’ll be working from my phone this afternoon. Or maybe sitting in a matinee showing of Neighbors 2 stoned instead.
John: I can’t wait to crush this client presentation when I get in. I should see if they want to grab drinks afterwards to really maximize my face-to-face time with them.
JR: “Look, I’ll keep this to under 30 minutes and I’m telling my boss I took you guys out to dinner tonight. Cool?”
John: $75 a day per diem! I can get hella apps at dinner.
JR: I’m going to expense this deep tissue massage as the client dinner.
John: I’ve definitely got to walk around downtown tonight and check out the sights! It’s not everyday you get to explore a brand new city.
JR: One of my clients told me to check out the restaurant downstairs, it’s supposed to be pretty good. dials room service instead
John: I should hit up everyone I know who lives here, since I have some free time tonight. I could reconnect with peeps I haven’t seen in awhile!
JR: I probably shouldn’t post anything on social media to avoid some random asshole from high school wanting to hang out.
the next morning…
John: This really blows having to catch a 7 a.m. flight back in the morning. My boss said she needs me in the office right at the start of business though!
JR: “Yeah, hi, can I get a late checkout?” Maybe I’ll tell my boss they needed me here another day and just take today and tomorrow off.
John: Oh man, I’m so tired from last night I totally forgot to take my water bottle out of my Marshall’s suitcase. I’ll run it through the scanner again.
JR: I hope they don’t find all the weed I’m flying with. Who am I kidding? I’m a white male going through TSA Precheck. I could be flying with a child in my carry-on and they’d still want to keep the line moving.
back in the office…
John: Doing that trip in 24 hours really took a lot out of me. I don’t know if I could do that again anytime soon.
JR: “Sure, where do you need me? I’ll leave tomorrow.”.
Image via Shutterstock
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Honestly, it sounds like you’ve gotten a lot better at business trips.
You’re catching on
Wait how do you fly with weed? Asking for a friend…
Smoke some and you’ll find out HEYOOOO
You bake it in delicious brownies prior to your trip and then you let the the fun times start.
Pro Tip: take the actual deodorant stick out of the dispenser tube maintaining its shape. Pack as much weed as needed down in the tube. Put the deodorant stick back in its tube.
Don’t blame me if you get caught.
Last time I ate a brownie before flying, not one second went by where I wasn’t 100% certain the flight was going to crash
That is actually an unreal idea.
On a business trip right now in Silicon Valley. I’m for sure the poorest person within a 75 mile radius. Good thing I rented a Prius to sort of fit in. My company wouldn’t let me rent a Tesla so now I’m pretty much lost in this landscape of hotels and headquarter office buildings filled with smart people who eat salads for fun.
it eats the kale or else it gets the hose again
Fuck Kale.
I fail to see how you’ve gotten worse at business trips.
This is a great series
I’d find another job if it involved trips or flying. Airports are full of self-centered assholes. I try to never fly unless I’m going on vacation somewhere great, like Croatia.
The entire planet is filled with self centered assholes better make friends with Elon Musk and hitchhike a ride to Mars.