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Best show ever, or best show of all-time? How about in the history of television? Good. I’m not exactly sure how I want this show to end. A part of me wants Walter White to go out with guns blazing, riding off into the sunset in his underwear, with a trail of DEA agents on his tail and Jesse Pinkman mowing dudes down with Walt’s trunk rifle. On the other hand, I also want Hank Schrader to become the hero we all want him to become, shedding his tortoise-IED and ax-wielding, Mexican twin demons and proving his wild Heisenberg theory correct.
I guess what it comes down to, is that I also kinda want everyone on the show to die, maybe with the exception of Walt Jr. Every single character on the show is morally ambiguous, and has a multitude of flaws, despite some redeeming qualities. For example, Walter White is a murderous drug lord who has seen dozens, if not hundreds of innocents die indirectly from his actions/inaction, but at the same time, he got into this to make sure his family had security long after he was gone. It’s the ultimate “What would you do?” scenario.
What would I do, though? I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d kill off damn near every character, with the final episodes of this amazing series making Braveheart look like a children’s movie.
Skyler White
Skylar will die in a horrific wheelchair sex accident after trying to rekindle her affair with Ted Beneke.
Ted Beneke
See above.
Badger
Hank Schrader will beat him to death with his cane after Badger tries to steal the cane while high on molly.
Saul Goodman
Saul Goodman will be killed by Walter White with a machete because Walt isn’t just set on ruining everyone’s life he comes into contact with, he wants to ruin a potential Saul Goodman spinoff series, thus ruining the audience’s lives.
Walter Jr.
Walt Jr. will die after living a long, happy life in Barbados after laundering his father’s meth money through several IHOP franchises, and marrying a native woman, breeding beautiful, mixed race children.
Hank Schrader
Hank squares off with Jesse Pinkman one final time in Hank’s garage microbrewery. After putting up a decent fight, Hank’s disabledness finally takes its toll and Jesse cuts Hank’s throat with a broken beer bottle, covering his face in blood, a la Bill “The Butcher” Cutting in Gangs of New York.
Marie Schrader
Is pushed into the street by a runaway shoplifter and subsequently run over by a Brinks truck. Sweet, sweet irony.
Jesse Pinkman
Jesse will be killed by Walt in an epic gunfight at the end of the final episode, not before getting off one, final “bitch” to Walt before biting the dust.
Walter White
Walt will be eaten alive by the reanimated corpse of Mike Ehrmentraut in a prolonged, gory, 20-minute death scene that also doubles as a promo for season four of The Walking Dead.
Bogdan Wolynetz
Will choke to death on his eyebrows in his sleep.
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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