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Our generation spends a lot of time curating our online dating app profiles. We spend countless hours perfecting bios, selecting our most flattering photos, and spitting our best opening lines. Online dating has gained immense popularity by allowing you to find a bang mate while on your ninth consecutive episode of Always Sunny and elbow deep in a family-size bag of Funyuns.
We also love to criticize everyone else’s profiles. We screenshot bios and pictures and send them into our group messages and Gchats. We sit at Sunday brunch and drunkenly share tales of online dating over bottomless mimosas and avocado toast. Everyone has something to say about Bumble. Whether it’s roasting gym selfies, ridiculing the seldom legitimate claim of loving the outdoors, or criticizing fish-holding pictures, the takes are hot—and they are endless.
“But what would happen if we let someone else write our Bumble bios for us?” PGP contributor PostGradShibby asked me one day. This inspired me. What would our fellow writers have to say about us? To get our readers the answers they deserve, PGP she-wolves Best, Taylor, and Tine_Vogue took a swing at crafting our male counterparts the most right-swipe-able bios we could come up with. They only wish they would have thought of it first. Enjoy.
Kyle Bandujo
I heard chicks dig the long ball…well, you’re in for a treat. Ex-baseball player. Semi-cool dad.
Once almost shit my pants at my son’s swim practice.
PostGradShibby
They say a picture is worth 1,000 words but I say a gif is worth a million. Founder of #marglife. Vegans not welcome.
MadoffInvestment
NJ >> WV. Washed up hockey player. Smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
Beer magician. And by that, I mean I make them disappear.
Icehouse
Would rather be on the *mountain emoji*, love the great outdoors. Don’t tell my wife I’m here.
Delph
6’7’’ reformed douchebag.
The shit I do like: writing columns, getting my fellow co-workers fired, and butter. I put that shit on everything.
The shit I don’t like: poor Twitter etiquette, waiting for anything, and loud chewing. You eat like a cow, you get taken to pasture.
Looking for someone to miss me when I jump off a bridge.
JohnnyD
Peace, love, tumblr.
Likes: Tevas, post-coital cigs, palazzo pants.
Dislikes: Condoms, house guests, Blackhawks fans.
Dave
31 and lit.
You’ll never catch me eating with dirty hands.
Enjoys: Long walks on the green, day drinking margaritas, and blackout Periscoping.
Call me Crime Dog.
Will deFries
28
Michigan native, TX transplant. My goal in life is to high five Kid Rock. Do not breast feed near me.
Would go gay for Jordan Spieth.
If you ain’t talking #sizzle, you ain’t talking.
Dillon Cheverere
I don’t do selfies. Can recite Dr. Seuss from memory. People say I look like Mr. Bean, but with better traps.
The kids aren’t mine. I don’t actually know whose they are, I just like them.
Rob Fox
Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s albinism.
If I could spend the rest of my life at Mizzou, I would. My alma mater is 97% of my personality. The other 3% is cocaine.
Politically incorrect.
Hates nationals.
5OClockShadow (with a “Cruz’n for a Bruisin” filter)
Ted Cruz is NOT the zodiac killer
Actually hates dating apps
Loves a barre ass
Will wear my socks during sex
#DefundPlannedParenthood
Improper Brostonian
Boston, MA
I hate waiting in line at the bar. I think brunch is a gateway drug. Have a fierce and undying love for The Cheetah Girls. Crying Jordan meme IRL. It’s going down in the DM. Call me daddy.
Alex Buscemi
Once made sweet love to a banana.
Will drink alcohol until I am one beverage away from death.
Criminal case of drunk face, tiny nipples, love the Cocks.
Dan Regester
Firm supporter of tank tops, human embodiment of a dump truck, will burn every bridge I come across. I mean it when I say I won’t try to put it in your butt.
TFM Babe of the Day is my day job. Don’t make it weird.
Dan@grandex.com for business inquiries.
W R Bolen
Verified on Twitter, so I’m pretty legit.
Game of Thrones gets me hot and bothered.
NYT Bestselling Author and inventor of Total Frat Move
Don’t talk to me unless you can name 10 Houston Rockets..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
@_cflammia
@tine_vogue
cflammia
Rob’s is way off. His personality is at least 30% cocaine.
And at least 15% not paying up on his bets.
The CEO publicly endorsing your cocaine habit. PGPM.
I’d change it to my actual age, 29, but I’m fine if everyone thinks I’m 28. Also, confirmed would turn for Jordan Spieth.
You’ll always be 28 to us.
Is there any chance Bolen’s tombstone WON’T be inscribed with:
“Here lies New York Times Bestselling Author W.R. Bolen”
Let it be known that it was a swim lesson, and I was in the pool with him at the time. It was a dark hour in my life.
This was great
I have to say I’m flattered with the level of cyber stalking it took for you to nail mine
I mean reformed douche bag is kind of a compliment right?
Kind of!
. Loving random kids. TDornM
That’s the joke
Oh hey guys
*Found his California; Deleted Bumble*
Awesome idea to whoever came up with this.
Full credit to @DrShibby