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Oh, man, I didn’t see you there, Flashy Sock Guy. That is until you lifted up your pant leg for the tenth time tonight to show the other party goers how zany your socks are. Tell me, where’d you get those? Nordstrom? Barneys? Spencer’s Gifts?
For the longest time I’ve wondered, “How can I dress down my expensive suit in an effort to suck the class out of it?” And now I have an answer – by buying a pair of striped, polka dotted, or wildly colored argyle socks that I can show everyone even though they didn’t ask. It’s the perfect accessory to show that your personality is lacking the edge that your ankles are making up for.
Don’t get me wrong, Flashy Sock Guy. I know it sounds like I’m making fun of you, but I’m really not. I admire you. I love that you spit in the face of convention. I look up to you for having the balls to enter this formal wedding filled with drab blues and grays wearing purple and yellow socks that cause everyone to say, “Hey, look at that guy with the crazy socks.” It’s really amazing stuff.
In a world where we used to have Piano Key Necktie Guy before it became Wild Pocket Square Guy, we’ve now been blessed with your presence. In your mind, you “get” it. And that’s awesome. You know that deep down under your Jos A. Bank, you’ve got a wild side. You live on the edge. You can’t be tamed.
If you wouldn’t mind, can I trouble you to leave this conversation you’re having with this group of wedding goers and ask you a few questions about your socks? Do you have multiple pairs, or does one pair of crazy socks do for your entire wardrobe? How much is too much to pay for a pair of wild socks? With variety being the spice of life, I’d assume you have to have quite the backstock of flash socks, right?
Oh, I’m sorry, Flashy Sock Guy. Can you hold on for a second? Look at all the groomsmen sitting at the wedding party table. Look at that – it’s amazing. Are my eyes deceiving me, or are they all wearing flashy socks? Oh my word, they are. Do you think they took a photo before the wedding where they all lifted their pants up to show their flashy socks all at once? Do you think the groom provided the flashy socks, or do you think they were instructed to each purchase their own flashy socks in preparation for the wedding?
With this many flashy socks around, I feel like a minority in a sea of people being “different.” Between Shark Tank‘s Damon Dash flash socks and Rob Kardashian’s flashy socks, I can’t help but ask myself, “Why aren’t you wearing flashy socks when tastemakers like that are clearly owning that look?” My socks are so monotonous. One day it’s blue, the next it’s black, and after that it’s gray. The cycle never ends and I don’t feel as though my creativity is validated anymore with just the conversations I have with people when I look down and see a pair of flashy socks that force me to take a backseat.
“Dammit, there’s another pair of flashy socks,” I say to myself. “I should get myself some flashy socks so everyone knows how much spice and edge I can bring to the table.” If I don’t have a pair of flashy socks, how will people know that I’m not just a corporate drone or another generic dude? I feel so inadequate.
I’ll tell you what, Flashy Sock Guy. Let’s go to the bar and get you a drink. I want to hear more about you and your flashy socks. What’s that? You want a Mike’s Hard? You know what, make that two. Let’s live a little.
Here’s to you, Flashy Sock Guy. Never stop being you. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
You have many good opinions deFries. This is not one of them
Admit it: you read this article, peeked down at your socks, then sighed.
More like take a chill pill, debreeze
Yea, sock it to em’
The socks of currently wearing have Santa Claus holding a surfboard all over them. The dumber the socks, the better they are. Fight me, Defries.
Good, good
via GIPHY
There’s a time and a place for the flashy socks. Here are my rules for when it’s acceptable to up the sock game:
1. Don’t wear flashy socks with a suit
2. The socks should still go with the outfit
3. Don’t show them off by intentionally lifting a pant. Let the curious come to you.
“Let the curious come to you.” This should be a rule of life. If you’re interesting enough for someone to want to come up and talk to you and ask you questions, great, but if they don’t, do us all a favor and keep it to yourself because obviously no one gives a fuck.
But what if I do crossfit?
I only open my ears for natty-vegan crossfitters.
natty-vegan crossfitters who read the book way before the TV show and/or movie came out and it was SO much better
The Nard Dog WOULD have multiple rules concerning flashy socks.
So what your saying is Piano Key Neck Ties are primed for a comeback? Finally.
You’re the mommabajamba?
I look forward to your letter to Groomsmen in Chuck Taylors guy
Goddamn, a kid I went to high school with pulled that shit at his shotgun wedding. Tuxes and goddamn chuck Taylor’s.
So you’d hate the red & white stripes I’m wearing on one foot while rocking the white stars on navy on the other? You feeling the Bern, DeFries?
I only wear flashy socks over my face like a ski mask when I go to rob banks because I want all the bank clerks to know that I have impeccable fashion sense when it comes to argyle color scheming, while also having enough respect for myself to introduce high fashion to the financial sector. All the money stollen from the banks funds sock production and lifts employees out of sweatshops in Bangladesh and Pakistan.
Do less
Do something.
*Mic drop
Boom roasted Boombastic!
Jesus Defries you must be a real blast at parties….