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The Way Too In Love, Not Married Couple
They dated all throughout college, but haven’t quite taken the plunge like some of their friends already have. They’ll slow dance and grind the entire night, despite not drinking all that much. It’s actually really fucking weird. They make everyone uncomfortable with baby talk at the dinner table, and refuse to keep their hands to themselves. Pray that you don’t get seated with them, or you and your date are in for the most incredibly awkward dinner of your lives. She’ll constantly be in his lap, creepily staring at the bride and groom during their first dance, and he will not stop kissing her on her shoulders, back, neck and any other place on her body with exposed skin. You wish these two would just get it over with and elope already. You can’t be too upset with them though, because they’re guaranteed to have sex tonight, and well, you’re not.
The Sloppy Friend(s) Of The Bride
It’s not a solid wedding unless one of the good friends of the bride is an absolute mess before, during and after the nuptial festivities. She lost it as the bride walked down the aisle. She lost it during the reading of Corinthians 13:4. She lost it during the vows. She lost it during the father of the groom’s speech. She lost it on the dance floor. She lost it at the bar after the reception. Mascara was running down her face before the sun went down, and every guy at the reception had an internal “should I or should I not” debate with themselves about approaching this woman. On one hand, you’re almost guaranteed to hook up with her in her vulnerable state, and on the other, you may end up with a sputtering, blabbering, drunken mess of a ticking biological time bomb. Proceed with caution.
The Drunken Man-Child
His tie was off before the reception even started. He was pounding scotch at cocktail hour, and has been hitting on every single female in attendance, regardless of age. This guy is single, in his mid-30s, and is a distant relative of the bride or groom. He thinks he’s your best friend since you sat next to him at dinner. You have to wonder what his personal life is like with the way he’s acting in public. Does he have friends? Has he ever had a girlfriend? Who the hell invited this guy? He’s a drunken mess before dinner is even served, and will be annoying everyone at his table with stories about him going to Atlantic City back when he was in his 20s. He didn’t come with a date, so he’s going to be hitting on yours all night. A member of the bridal party will eventually pull him aside to tell him to get his shit together. The bartender cuts him off before “Shout” is even played, and he’ll be spilling liquor all over the place. Finally, the groom will have to step in and assert his dominance over the inebriated attendee and a groomsman will escort him back to his hotel room where he will spend yet another night by himself in bed.
The Ring Leader
A cousin of the bride, he’s been the biggest hit of the day so far, charming all the aunts and uncles in attendance with his charisma at the ceremony and reception. Everyone wants him to date their daughter, niece or co-worker. He politely declines all invitations and scouts the bridal party for single bridesmaids. His flawless execution of the “Running Man” and “Cha-Cha Slide” will leave all females in attendance moist and wanting. He is seen ordering shots at the bar on several occasions, and the wedding photographer seems to be following him around. As the star of the show, he will have his choice of any of the many fine women in attendance. A conga line forms behind him late in the night, and bridesmaids rush to plant their hands on his hips, trying to lure him into the middle of the dance floor for a makeout party. No one else who came stag has a chance and will be forced to feed off of the scraps from his bountiful table of poon.
The Jailbait Cousin
Every man in attendance, single and otherwise, has been asking himself the same question, “Is she eighteen?” No one knows the answer, and everyone is too scared to ask a member of the family that might actually know. It’s obvious that she’s off-limits, even if she was over the legal age of consent. The risk is simply too high. She’s there with her parents, and even if you could close, she’s going to be a stage-five clinger. It’s just too good to pass up though. This girl has an amazing body, gorgeous face and a teenage demureness that is going to drive you insane. Wait for her to sneak a few drinks from the bar and plan your move. Open with the “So when do you graduate?” question and hope that she tells you about her freshman year of college. Tell yourself that the “half your age plus seven” rule only applies to dating, so you’re in the clear. Hope that her parents duck out early and get your creep on. You’re aging by the minute and this may be your last chance at an excusable encounter with a teenager. If she isn’t of age, circle the wagons and get back out on the dance floor to find a more age-appropriate mate for the night.
The Wedding Crasher Wannabe
This guy is probably still in high school and this being his first wedding, thinks he’s hot shit. He’s been bragging at the lunch table all month about how he’s going to “score so much trim” at his second cousin’s wedding. He watched “Wedding Crashers” every single night of the week leading up to the ceremony, and thinks he’s got the moves to close on the gaggle of 20-something females in attendance. His mom caught him sneaking a bottle of peppermint schnapps into the bathroom. If this kid just had half a brain, he’d realize that a groomsman or two would gladly take him under their wings and show him the ropes of how to throw down at a wedding reception. This young fella has not yet mastered the art of wedding dancing, but he doesn’t realize how much he still has to learn. Patience, young man. There are still many of these in your future. Watch and learn, kid. Watch and learn.
The Inappropriate Drunk
The consummate party animal in college, and good friend of the groom, this guy was well known throughout your college burg at every bar, tavern and sorority formal. Even though he’s graduated, he still thinks he’s in college and that it’s appropriate to get blackout drunk at any hour of the day. He’s not even in the bridal party and has already tried to give multiple speeches at the reception. The security deposit on the venue will likely be lost due to this guy’s blacked out shenanigans. He’ll have to be removed from the dance floor several times and be given numerous “get your shit together, man” pep talks throughout the night. He’s tried to fight the best man twice and will end up embarrassing himself more than anyone that night, so at least you’ve got that going for you. He’ll be power washing the men’s room toilet before the cake has even been cut, and much like the Drunken Man-Child, he’ll eventually have to be escorted back to his hotel room to sleep off the entire bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue he drank by himself.
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TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour